Page 222 of Between Despair and Hope

“I loved you so much,” she said, her smile breaking my heart in two. “It’s funny. I can’t remember if I ever told you that.”

“You didn’t. When I said it to you, gods, you looked so beautiful in that pink dress. But you never said it back.”

“I remember now.” She released my hands and rubbed her face. “It didn’t make it any easier, did it? My refusing to say it back?”

I shook my head and clasped my own hands together, suddenly empty. I heard something behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder, only finding the trees at the edge of the meadow swaying in the breeze.

“I’m sorry I was selfish. I-I didn’t want to say it. To make it harder. But I tried to show you,” she offered.

“You did. You showed me every day.” A realization occurred to me, and I felt sick with dread over it. “The night before, when we—when I—”

When I’d made love to her in the olive grove the night before she died, she’d cried after. Huge, gasping breaths, she sobbed in my arms. The night when I almost took her to Emma, almost woke up her sister to heal her, thinking I’d hurt her. She’d begged me to hold her until the sun rose, and I’d done it, eager to stop her tears. She hadn’t been crying in pain. It had been because she knew she was going to die, and she was scared. A choking breath escaped me, and she dipped her head so I couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“I knew, and it was the most selfish thing I’d ever done. I didn’t have a right to take that from you when you didn’t know the truth.” She wiped her face and looked away. “You need to go back,” she said, voice resolute without a hint of hesitation. “Or else it—I made the choice I did for you, Dewalt.”

“Why would you—what? What do you even mean?”

“You were always going to outlive me, in every vision I had. And me dying when I did was a decent outcome for the world—for my sister and Rainier. But it was also the only one where you could be happy again. If I hesitated, if I let it go any longer, you never would have—”

She looked away and bit her lip, tears forming on her lashes, and I felt my own lip quiver.

“Were—are we twin flames? Is that why this has been so gods damned hard? Is that what you mean?”

“Almost,” she said with a small smile on her face. A secret. That’s what that smile was. Those smiles were the ones she’d reserved only for me. She gave everyone her loud joy, her robust happiness. But she only ever gave me her softness. That smile was just for me.

“Almost?” I asked, eyes wet.

“We might have been, if I hadn’t—” She looked away. “Rhia told me after, on my way to, well, where I’ve been…We might have been twin flames. Or we might not have been. Twin flames aren’t what we think they are. They’re made. We weren’t there yet, but we might have been one day.”

I nodded, throat bobbing. I heard a whisper behind me, but I ignored it, only able to focus on the shining light in front of me. Greedily, I soaked up her image.

“That’s why I had to leave when I did. I didn’t like what you became in the visions I had. The ones where I died anyway. You were never truly happy again. You were cold—cruel, even. I didn’t want that for you.”

“But that wasn’t your choice to make,” I replied. “You—you changed my future. My future was supposed to be you, Lu.”

She smiled, that same soft smile she let grow into a radiant one.

“No. No, you’re wrong. I was always part of your journey, but never where you ended up.”

Unbidden, an image of Nor appeared in my mind. The look she’d given me as she tucked her hair behind her ear just hours prior. Flushed and embarrassed because I’d dismissed her. The desire to kiss her was just as potent now as it had been, and the same nausea which roiled in my stomach then, when I had her pinned to that desk, returned in force. I shook my head, feeling guilty for thinking of Nor while I was in Lucia’s presence. Something I’d dreamed of for so gods damned long, and I let thoughts of the novice taint it. I did my best to banish those bewitching hazel eyes from my mind.

“What if I stay? What if I don’t go back?”

“You don’t want that. I know you don’t. Your heart—” She shook her head. “Let her finish mending it.” It was rare she let me see her sorrow, but she did even as a smile graced her features. “And you are just as important in this—this—upheaval,” she said, “as my sister and Rainier. Do not let yourself think otherwise.”

“Emma is the Beloved. They share divinity. I’m not—”

“I’d have hoped you would have stopped doing that by now.” Her smile had turned into a frown, and she gripped my hands in hers. “Dewalt, you have to believe me. You are far more important than you’ve ever given yourself credit for. And you deserve to be happy.” Leaning forward, she tucked my hair behind my ears as a smile lit up her face. “I like what she’s done with it.”

Not knowing what she was talking about, I glanced down, finding my hair shorter, barely to my shoulder, and uneven as all hell.

Lucia laughed, sitting back on her heels. “It needs some refinement, but so do you, scoundrel.”

“Stay with me. Please.” The voice interrupted us, and each bone in my body, every hum of my divinity, wanted me to obey it. A soft melody reached my ears, and my body relaxed incrementally. I found myself lulled by it, closing my eyes, even though I didn’t want to stop looking at Lu.

“It is not just her who will make you happy if you let her. You will be more to her than you ever have been to anyone else. Including me.” When I opened my eyes, I found her wearing a sad smile as she peered over my shoulder. “Our time is running out, Dewalt.”

“It’s not fair.”

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