Page 29 of Between Despair and Hope

A small smile lit her features. “Do you mind? It’s quite cold.”

I winced when my ears popped as I stepped through the wards. It only took a few moments for Aida to spill a drop of her elven-blood, calling out to her earth magick as she redrew the boundary to include the three of them.

“What are you doing here, Nixy? You got them here, so must I continue to suffer your presence?”

“Ah, Venia,” he whined, drawing out the end, a lilting ‘yuh’ sound which made me want to smack him. “Don’t tell me you didn’t miss me.”

“I didn’t.”

“You wound me, darling. I’ve certainly missed you.”

“Stop talking,” Raj barked, and I couldn’t help but laugh as we walked toward the estate. “His uncle has influence, and as much as it pains me, Nix could help us convince him. When do we meet the other captains?”

“Morning.”

“Good. We can get a few hours’ sleep before we overthrow Shivani.” He clapped his hand to my shoulder as he walked past, and I wondered if Raj knew just how sick and nervous I was over the thought.

“I wish Dewalt were here.”

Raj and I were alone, riding into town in the early hours of the morning. We’d chosen a pub close to the barracks, not bothering to risk a meeting at the palace.

“Ven, I’m going to be frank with you; I think I’ve earned that. May I?”

I nodded, ready for one of his lectures. While Dewalt and Rainier had trained me to use a sword as a child, Raj had been the one to really take his time with me, not treating me like the annoying little sister I was. I’d always valued his opinion, even if I hated the way he sometimes gave it.

“You have relied on that boy far too long, and he has let you because of his own demons. You may look young enough to be my daughter, but the fact is you’re both old enough to be your own damn person. You don’t need Dewalt; you need to own your shit. Stop using him as an excuse. You both deserve better, and the people you care about deserve better too.”

The last line was a thinly veiled jab about my relationship with Brenna, and it stung. He’d saved any commentary about the situation when it happened, but his admission now told me firmly what camp he was in over it.

“I am my own person. Dewalt is too. We just—”

“Use each other as a shield?”

“No,” I snapped. “We’re fine. It works for us, Raj. Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean you get to say shit like that to me.”

Hurt flashed across his features.

“I do understand, Ven. You know I don’t care about any of that, how your relationship works.” He shuddered before continuing. “You’re telling me that if it weren’t for the bond, you’d be together?” At my lack of response, he continued. “Exactly. You use each other for the bond, and you use each other as a shield to not deal with your own issues.”

“And what ismyissue, Raj? Dewalt, fine, obviously you mean Lucia. But what’s my big problem?”

“Do you want me to answer that right now?” Dubious, he looked over at me.

“No,” I said. “I’m already nervous enough. I don’t need to be pissed off.”

“You don’t—you’re right. But I’ll tell you one of your problems because it is pertinent.” He paused, waiting for my permission to continue, which I reluctantly gave. “Shivani has done a number on you. You are more than capable. Without Dewalt, without your brother, just you. Alright?”

When I didn’t reply, he repeated himself, and I nodded. I wasn’t quite convinced he was right, but it would do no good to argue with him. The rest of the ride was silent, and when we finally arrived at the pub, Raj insisted on helping me off the horse, knowing there were eyes on us, expecting propriety.

There were always eyes. Someone was always watching, waiting to report back to my mother, waiting to spread rumors, to write in the papers some supposed slight. Rainier had it worse than I did, but ever since I’d bonded with Dewalt, the commentary about me was more about what a disappointment I was by not bothering to secure something beneficial for the kingdom. That was one thing my mother did right for me. She didn’t force me to wed and bond for some sort of alliance. Though she’d pressured him, she hadn’t truly forced Rainier either. Between Lucia’s death and her arrangement with our father, she didn’t want that for us. And I was grateful.

Raj held open the door to the Red Lion, a pub normally closed during early morning hours, and it disappointed me to see only three of the seven captains even showed up to hear what I had to say. I masked it, allowing those who did show to genuflect and bow as was appropriate before we sat down where they’d been waiting. The table was one of the larger ones, clearly meant for more people, and I felt a tinge of embarrassment in my stomach. I’d been expecting a few more.

“Your Highness, I have to say my presence here is perhaps an unwise decision. If Queen Shiv—”

“Queen mother. She is no longer the queen, though I suspect she will latch onto whatever power is still afforded to her,” I corrected.

“Right, yes. If the queen mother found out…” Captain Blane said, trailing off.

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