Page 31 of Between Despair and Hope

My chest tightened, and I screwed my eyes shut. An image of my mother destroying the fort I’d attempted to build out of cushions and blankets in our sitting room came to mind.You are a princess first, before you are a child. Clean it up.

Clenching my fists, I stood. “Even if we traded the boy, there would still be war. Do you think Rainier will return as a friend to Declan Umbroth? Perhaps you are the one who cannot afford to be so simple-minded. Emma is going to save Cyran, and then we are going to save Rainier. I hope if you stand against us, Rainier shows you mercy in the end.”

I was halfway to the door when I heard my mother sigh, and her chair pushed back.

“Lavenia,” she sighed my name. “Wait, please,” she said as I lifted my hand to the door. I stopped moving but didn’t turn to look back at her as her footsteps approached. “The pressure to run things without him is unbelievable. And you are clearly not ready, nor do I think you will ever be, to shoulder that burden.” There was a pinch in my nostrils, although her disappointment wasn’t new. “So, I’ve been doing what myself and Ashmont thought was best. But now that Emma has gone to fetch the boy, it throws everything off. If she is successful, war is imminent. Talk to the captains. Rally your soldiers.”

My jaw dropped as I turned to face her. She only paused for a moment, something like uncertainty etching her features.

“I am no less of a failure than you are. Maybe you’ll succeed with the approach I’ve been too afraid to take.”

Leave it to my mother to insult me and encourage me in the same breath.

“Without the boy, the only thing we have left to lose is your brother. Get him back.”

Chapter 13

Emmeline

Ittookushourswe didn’t have to find someone who could rift us to the Cascade. Dewalt and Thyra made rounds to every establishment within walking distance of the docks until they finally came back to the pub where Mairin and I waited, Dewalt forcibly dragging a man behind him. Though Dewalt’s face was a mask of rage, and I worried for a second when I saw a shadow of a bruise under his eye, Thyra wore a grin.

“He can get us to Clearhill,” Dewalt said as he let go of the man and slammed down in a seat next to me.

“Name your price,” I said. Dark, tousled hair, a half-buttoned shirt, and undone breeches told me Dewalt had roused the man from some state of undress, and though the pub was still open, the hour had grown late.

Dewalt scoffed. “His price is that I won’t fucking kill him for punching me in the face.”

“Gods damn, man. I already paid the libertine. You gotta pay me for that. I said I’d help you when I was done.”

“And I believeIsaid we didn’t have time for your two extra minutes.”

Thyra chuckled to herself.

“Pay him for his libertine,” I ordered. I was just grateful we’d found someone to get us there. I’d been on the verge of a breakdown since the moment I realized the bond of the Body had broken. When I closed my eyes, I swore I could see it. Two remaining golden threads stretching endlessly toward…nothing. Toward a cold, black void when it should have been him on the other end. Golden-brown skin, green eyes, rough hands and a soft touch. Mine. I’d anticipated a thread breaking, had known it could happen eventually. But gods, it hurt once it finally had. It threw off my limited plans for Rain’s rescue as well. If he weren’t in any shape to rift us out, would we be able to escape? I could protect us to an extent, but would that be enough?

Dewalt grumbled as he pulled out payment for the man, and within minutes we were walking through a rift into Clearhill.

The town was in a considerably better state than the last time I’d seen it. To be fair, it couldn’t have been much worse. Though it had only been a few weeks, Raj had worked miracles with the funds I’d procured from the Crown. It had been one of my only successes amongst the council, and it was a battle hard-won. Since the Cascade was on Folterran soil and we had no claim on Clearhill, many of the councilors opposed doing anything to help rebuild it. Which enraged me. The town was full of women and children who had been coexisting peacefully with the Vestian forces, and the Folterran mercenaries had razed it when they attacked the Cascade. The council didn’t see it as our responsibility, even though Declan had done it because of us. There had been countless arguments with the council when I’d found Lavenia’s hand on my leg, squeezing under the table, urging me to calm down before Rain’s divinity shook the palace any harder. It had been hard to control without him on the other end.

It had been the early days, when Elora slept like a stone, and I regularly checked to make sure she was breathing. Nights when I didn’t even doze, feeling for him at the end of the bond and being met with impenetrable darkness, my thoughts swirling dangerously. That morning, Thyra had thwarted me from leaving, and I was in no mood to deal with the men and women of the council telling me it wasn’t our responsibility to help the village. I coaxed the shadows to hover over my skin and took some satisfaction in seeing their discomfort. I didn’t want to threaten them, knew that a good ruler shouldn’t use force or violence to get what they wanted, but I struggled to maintain that ideal when what I wanted was something good.

Surprisingly, it had been Shivani who swayed them. It had made me optimistic, only for it to get thrown back in my face later. I’d stupidly hoped her siding with me in that situation signified she’d stopped suspecting Elora wasn’t Rain’s daughter. I’d hoped it was an olive branch of sorts and had invited her to come visit with Elora, to talk to her. Gods, I had been desperate, hoping for anything which would help rouse her. When Shivani declined, a pinched look on her face, it struck deeper than it should have. I felt pitiful for being hurt by it; I was a grown woman, for gods’ sake. Though it was more hurt for Elora than it was for me. There wasn’t a single gods damn adult in my baby’s life who hadn’t failed her. Except Rain. Rain was the only one who’d done nothing to fail her, and he was gone.

It should have been me who was taken by Declan.

Walking through the seaside village, we headed south toward the Cascade, needing to procure horses for our continued journey. When I took in my surroundings, I saw that Raj had been working methodically, moving from the coast inward. There was still much to be done, but for the first time since that awful day, I felt like I’d actually made a difference.

When we arrived at the Cascade, we found Shivani’s men were only a half day’s ride ahead of us. We didn’t hesitate, readying horses and leaving not long after speaking with the watch commander. After a few hours’ trip north up the coastal road, assuming they’d stick to it before crossing through the mountains, I noticed how tired Mairin looked. Dewalt and Thyra were used to this type of travel; they sat tall and straight in their saddle, but Mairin looked how I felt. I was also exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t allow me to rest. Thinking about it for only a few moments, I sent out shadows toward Mairin, helping bolster her and support her. It took little effort, and it helped take the edge off my divinity. The immediate release of tension which had been coiling within reminded me I needed to use it more often. Mairin jumped as the shadows swept around her.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping. Lean forward if you want; I’ll keep you upright if you want to rest.”

“Worry about yourself,” she snapped, and though I couldn’t see her scowl in the dark, I could sense it.

“Actually, that’s a good idea.” I did myself the same favor.

“Don’t you have to concentrate to keep them like that?” the merrow asked.

---