Page 36 of Between Despair and Hope

“What?” Shock froze me.

“Yeah,” he grunted. “You’ve seen her and Mairin. I won’t ruin her relationships just because I’m a fucking mess.”

“I’m sure that’s not how she—”

“Oh, it’s definitely not how she sees it. But we’re just using each other. I love her, but we’re holding each other back. You weren’t here for it, but things with Brenna…” He shook his head. “She’s never going to be the one to do it, so it has to be me.”

I stared at the back of his head, traced the curve of the braid going down the center of his back. His broad shoulders sloped forward, dejected.

“I thought you—with Mairin—”

“We did, but that doesn’t matter. She wants Ven in a way I don’t think I’m capable of. It’s not like I haven’t tried, Emma. Do you know how much easier it would be if I could? Sometimes I think I might not be…It doesn’t matter; Ven doesn’t see me that way either. She’s the only person who has always had my back, butbecauseshe’s my person, I have to do right by her. Maybe one day, the feelings we have for each other could have been something more, but I really don’t think so. I mean, it’s been a decade of being her bonded partner, and our feelings haven’t changed.”

I reached down to take my boots off, leaning forward to unlace them as Dewalt poked at the logs in the grate.

“It seems like you’ve thought about this for a while,” I offered. I didn’t know the inner workings of his relationship with Ven, and I didn’t think it was my place to tell him if I agreed or disagreed. I wished for Rain’s presence once more, knowing he’d have the words for his best friend and brother.

“Since you walked into Ravemont, honestly. If Rainier can have a second chance, why can’t I? For a while, I thought it could be Ven,wantedit to be Ven. But it’s not happening, and now Ven has a chance with someone else.“ He tilted his head. “Can merrows perform the ritual?”

He peered at me over his shoulder with a furrowed brow, and I chuckled.

“You know, I don’t know. I didn’t know merrows were real until recently.”

“Well, the Myriad doesn’t allow anyone with elf-blood to perform it. I imagine it’s the same with merrows. Only those with divinity from the gods. Fuck, now I don’t know if this is the right decision. Can’t have you and Rainier running things for centuries without us.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“It isn’t as if you can’t perform it with someone else. You have plenty of time.”

“You just want me to look older, so I don’t outshine you with my beauty. Your age is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve only noticed a few grey hairs.”

“You’re older than me, you ass,” I laughed.

“Oh, but I don’t look it.” He stood, preening. I threw my shoe at him, grinning as he yelped, catching my boot just before it hit his most prized appendage.

“If you want Elora to have cousins one day, you’d better watch where you throw things, Your Majesty.”

I sobered at the mention of Elora. I was eager for Mairin and the prince to return to the estate, hopeful she’d continue to improve in my absence. Dewalt approached me where I sat on the end of the bed, and patted me roughly on top of my head. I glared up at him.

“Don’t worry, mouse. She’ll be fine. I’ll be training her in no time.”

We said little before he left, closing the door behind him.

Near midnight, finally on the verge of sleep after it had evaded me well into the night, there was a loud banging on my door. I grabbed my dagger from the nightstand beside me and jumped to my feet. The moon barely lit the room, and the fire had burned down to embers.

“Who is it?” I rasped, voice hoarse from near-sleep.

“Cyran. Let me in,” he panted. He’d been running.

I slipped my pants back on, pulling them up from the puddle on the floor I’d made of them, and was across the room and swinging the door open before he had time to catch his breath.

“The king. Rainier. Declan already knows about me. He is going to execute him dawn after next.”

I blinked at him.

The moment Cyran’s words registered, the message from his sister making sense, a part of me died. That hope I’d been feeling in recent days was no more, and I lost control of my divinity. I could feel the heat in my eyes, knowing they were responsible for the glow cast about the room, and felt the shadows swirling from my hands up my arms to nestle around my neck. When the shadows spread, whipping around the room, the princeling bravely took my hands. He spoke, but I couldn’t hear it, the tremendous rocketing of my heart drowning out his words. The thoughts of Rain, the other half of me dying alone, executed at Declan’s hands, rushed through my mind. I saw lifeless green eyes, the echoes of his laughter in the lines on his face, his warm hands now cold, all the things that made him—gone.

Moments later—I didn’t know how long—Dewalt was there, grabbing my face in his hands. I didn’t care to hear what he had to say. I didn’t know what I was doing, what I could do. But I wasn’t finished. I couldn’t give up; Iwouldn’t. I pushed away from Dewalt, not trusting my harrowing to not hurt him, dimly noticing Thyra and Mairin on the threshold and Cyran standing nearby. Dropping to the floor, I curled into myself, my knees and arms tucked beneath me, and willed my shadows to encircle me—protecting myself, but more than that—protecting my family from me.

I needed to focus on something else, something real, something living. That horrifying image of Rain couldn’t take over my thoughts. I needed to think of a moment which embodied him—life and joy, vibrancy and power—or I’d give up. His intense grin as he chased after me at the lake came to mind. When I’d pushed him off the cliff into the water and he ran after me, picking me up and throwing me in. He was strong and happy and carefree. That was the Rain I would think about, the Rain I would remember. The Rain who would get me through this, who would help me focus on the ever-damned task of rescuing him. I felt my shadows recede, and the surrounding heartbeats quieted, no longer a raging stampede through my mind. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I felt something nudge me beneath my body. I sat up abruptly, trying to understand. There, at my knees, was a tiny creature, made more of shadow than anything else.

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