Page 57 of Between Despair and Hope

The fire.

Perhaps she meant a different fire. She couldn’t have meant—no. My mouth went dry, and I clenched my fists.

“The fire?” I squeaked out, and Nor looked at me as realization dawned in her features. She swallowed before she squared her shoulders, clearly about to deliver news I wasn’t sure I could handle.

“Your Majesty, I know it wasn’t your intention, but—”

“It was my fire. My dragons.” I couldn’t breathe.

She gave the slightest nod.

“Did you do it on purpose?” she asked, and I saw a hint of fear in her eyes.

“Of course not.”

I was going to be sick. Turning away from the woman in front of me, I covered my mouth with the back of my hand. Thyra and Dewalt had finally finished tussling, and Thyra was kneeling on the ground, gathering her weapons and bag. Dewalt buttoned a new shirt as he approached, his pack over his shoulder. His stride quickened when he saw me.

“What happened?” Dewalt was gruff in his questioning of the woman, and I would have reprimanded him for it if I trusted myself to speak.

“How many, Nor?” My lungs were tight as I faced her. She looked between Dewalt and me, shame in her features. “Don’t. Don’t you feel like that. Just tell me.”

“Gods damn it. I said I’d tell her myself.” Dewalt walked toward me, cutting Nor off, a hand stretched out toward my own.

“It was an accident! I didn’t mean to say anything.” The anguish in the girl’s voice was clear.

“Don’t yell at her, D. You knew? Why didn’t you tell me the minute you had the chance?”

“I was going to say something! You had creatures and people to heal, and I knew you wouldn’t relax until you were done. I thought I had a moment. Fuck, Nor! I asked you not to tell her!”

Anger and guilt flashed across the young woman’s face as she spun on a heel, marching toward the fortress.

“I told you not to yell at her. How many?” How many innocent people had died at my hands? The soldiers were one thing, but other victims of Declan’s malice? Gods, I was no better than he was.

“Six died from the fire. They were in a building he was keeping them captive in. That’s why I left Rainier. He ordered me to go help them.”

I started; I hadn’t even realized Dewalt had been there and left him. I was so out of my mind when I landed with Lux, I ran inside, not even caring about what had become of Dewalt and Shade. When I’d found Rain alone in his cell, I hadn’t even wondered where the two of them were. Hadn’t even considered anything other than the other half of my soul. I was angry. Part of me was angry Dewalt had left Rain, but most of my anger was directed at myself.

Mistaking the anger I clearly wore on my face, Dewalt turned his hands up in supplication. “Rainier said he’d deal with you. Please, Emma. You can—Reprimand me if you must, but I was just doing what he asked of me.”

I slid to the ground. I hadn’t worried about my friend, the man who had helped keep me going these past weeks, and I killed six innocent people. What had I become?

Dewalt sat down facing me. This was wrong. I didn’t want his comfort.

“They were on the top floor. I don’t think they suffered. You didn’t know. How could you have known?”

“What happened to the rest of them? You brought Nor, but how many others were there?”

“About twenty. The ones who left with the rebels were going to Evenmoor.”

I nodded, swallowing. “Send word that any who want to come to Astana will be welcome. Were they all novices? All her age?”

“Yes, and some children. I think—I think the children might be Declan’s.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

We maintained our silence as Dewalt pulled me from the ground and guided me back toward the fortress. This was my first action in this war, my first real action as a queen, and I killed six innocent people. As Dewalt steered me toward the room Elora and I had stayed in, he murmured something about fetching Rain. I wasn’t listening. Thyra left my pack just inside the door, and I kicked my shoes off before sitting down on the bed. I stripped my clothes, the smell of smoke on them a painful reminder.

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