Page 61 of Between Despair and Hope

“But neither of us have found someone else. He thinks Mairin is—that she feels—”

“I don’tthink. I know. She has feelings for you as you do for her. Get your shit together.”

“Dewalt,” Rainier growled in warning.

Turning toward her, it shocked me to see tears in her eyes. This wasn’t what I fucking wanted. She ought to be happy. She didn’t have to worry about me anymore, and she could have whatever life she wanted with whoever she wanted.

“Ven…”

“I don’t want things to change. I—Everything has changed. I’m trying to keep up, that’s all.” She sniffled, and I didn’t know what to do. Glancing at Rainier, I saw he looked equally bewildered.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m just going to go. Nixy is supposed to take me back to Astana, so I’m going to go find him.”

She was through the door before I could stop her—shiny, black curls bouncing above her shoulders as she left.

Heaving a sigh, I collapsed into the chair she’d been sitting in, my legs over the side and head leaned back.

“Well, that went well,” Rainier said, settling into Raj’s chair on the other side of the desk.

“Hanwen’s fucking ass,” I mumbled, and he chuckled. “Not what you thought you’d be dealing with when you came back, I suppose.”

“No.”

His response had me looking over at him as he studied the grains of the desk. “But you’re back. Right?” I asked.

He flipped his hands palm up as he spoke, staring down at them. “More or less.”

“I’ve missed you, brother.”

He glanced up at me with a soft smile. “You said there were two things. Surely, the mess with my sister didn’t require me as a witness.”

“No. You’re going to like this even less.”

Chapter 23

Emmeline

Itwasstilllightout when Rain slipped into the bed, his weight shifting me. I felt the hum of our bond again, and it was vibrating, insistent. He smelled clean, and I wished it didn’t hurt that he bathed without me. Rolling onto my side so I wasn’t facing him, I began to cry once more, silently, not wanting to bother him with anything. He had to be exhausted. I wasn’t even sure what I was crying over. I was overjoyed being able to feel the bond again, no matter that it was incomplete. The missing thread made it so I couldn’t feel his emotions or his well of divinity, but I could feelhim. And he was here beside me.

I could smell smoke, the scent sticking to my hair, burrowing itself in my nostrils, attaching to my soul. Reminding me of what I had done and what I could never forget. I opened my mouth a bit, allowing my breath to escape silently. Rain had enough going on with his own healing. He didn’t need to have my own to contend with.

But I was weak.

Every part of me wanted to confide in him, seek comfort in his strength, dig a hole in his chest and hide inside it. The memory of what he’d said when I called him the Bloody Prince came to me, unexpected.

I’m not exactly proud of the blood on my hands.

I’d been mortified, embarrassed I’d said something without thinking and came across as callous in my use of the moniker. But now, I felt a cool understanding I wished I didn’t. Had Rain ever killed an innocent? My breath caught, and I readjusted my body. How was I supposed to live with this?

“Would you like to know their names?” Rain’s voice was a low rumble behind me which took me by surprise. I swallowed before rolling over to look at him. The sun was setting, and the light in the room had gone dim, but I could still see him clearly. “The novices who died. Do you want to know their names?”

He wore his sympathy clearly on his face. The wrinkles at his eyes were more apparent than they were before he was taken prisoner, probably from malnutrition, and the crease between his eyebrows was accentuated by the frown he wore. He was fully clothed, lying on top of the blankets, and I wondered if that was on purpose. Did he not trust himself since I was naked? My divinity was persistent in the bond’s need to grab my attention, and I focused on Rain’s mouth. His full lips were down-turned, and I wondered how he knew I was awake and thinking of what I’d done.

“Dewalt told you?” He dipped his chin, and I heaved a breath. “Yes, I want to know their names. Anything you can tell me.”

“All I know comes from Nor. I’m sure she’d be willing to tell you more information if you asked her.” He watched me, his brows tipping down in concentration. “All the women were around Nor’s age or older. Two were from Vesta. One named Sarai came from the temple in the capital and another named Nina from Olistos. They arrived with Nor. She knew Sarai a bit, since they’d lived in the temple together, but they never spoke. She had already taken the vow of silence, but Nor said she spent most of her free time in the library.” I closed my eyes, not bothering to fight it as the tears slipped down my cheek. “One woman was from Nythyr, and they called her Henny because she looked after the children like a mother hen. Nor found her huddled over an infant, protecting her from the beam that had fallen on top of them.” Rain lifted his hand to my cheek, thumb wiping away one of my tears. “Do you want me to stop? I can tell you the rest later. I—it always helped me to know their names. To humanize my mistakes. It can become easy to willfully forget.”

Between my tears and the bond, all I wanted was to be held. But Rain didn’t move to pull me into his arms, and I wouldn’t ask it of him. Not after what I’d seen with the shifter and the fear I’d seen in his eyes. I’d let him come to me first.

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