Page 64 of Between Despair and Hope

And just like that, something happened within him, and my heart stopped. I felt rage flow through him and, a second later, fear. His face shuttered, and his expression grew hard. His relaxed mouth shut tight into a thin line, and he inhaled a quick, panicked breath. He moved me off him before he stood, striding over to the sofa where his clothes laid, swiftly pulling them on without a word.

“Rain?”

He stepped into his pants, the over-sized ones he’d been wearing as we left Darkhold, and pulled them up quickly. I grew anxious and jumped to my feet.

“What’s wrong? Where are you going?”

“I can’t sleep here.” His voice was deep and gruff as he buttoned his shirt, pointedly avoiding my gaze. “I tried, really, I did. When I came back earlier, I saw you sleeping so fucking sweetly, and I know you’re hurting. I wanted to be good, to be normal. Climbed into that bed and thought I could, but I—I don’t trust myself, Em. I’m sorry.”

“I trust you, Rain. I trust me. Stay, please.” I grabbed his arm to stop him, and he tugged it free, finishing the buttons on his shirt.

“I’ll just be down the hall, alright? Let me know if you need anything?” He stepped over to the door, his hand on the knob as he looked back at me with a silent plea in his eyes I didn’t understand. I still felt an undercurrent of fear coming from him, but now there was a sad resignation taking over.

“I need you, Rain. That’s all I need. Nothing else.” I was begging, and I didn’t care.

“I know.”

He shut the door behind him as he left.

I sat in an alcove near the dining hall, coaxing my shadows to cover and shelter me. It was nearly dawn by the time I fell asleep, so I was late for breakfast when I finally woke. While grabbing a honey roll from the kitchens, Raj’s daughter Marella had tended to me with all her attention, and now I wanted to make myself disappear as I nibbled at the bread, my stomach sick. I felt Rain, knew he was outside, and his anxiety and grief meshed so thoroughly with my own, I didn’t know where his feelings ended and mine began.

But I gave him space.

That was how I found myself in the awkward position of watching a conversation between two people who very clearly disliked one another. Only a few steps away, they had no idea I was nearby. Before I could inform them, they’d already started talking, and I didn’t want them to think I was eavesdropping, though that’s what I began to do all the same.

“Listen, I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I saw your arm.” Dewalt’s eyes lingered on Nor’s shoulder where I’d seen old scars when I’d healed her. “And the whole building was on fire, and I just—”

“It’s fine.” She looked away, finding something supremely interesting to look at on the stone wall behind him. She heaved a breath. “I didn’t mean to tell her.”

I stilled, not breathing, when I realized they spoke of me.

“I’m Dewalt, by the way. I don’t remember if I gave you my name before you puked on me.” He grinned at her, but she didn’t return the smile.

“You know what? That was embarrassing for me too. Did you think I wanted to puke on you? Did you think I wanted to get my only clothing dirty?”

“Well, there were pretty endless options of other places to vomit.”

She let out a snarl and pushed past him, heading outside. “I’m sorry, it’s not often I ride on dragons. And you didn’t even have the decency to put me in front. I was trying not to fall off the entire time. You’re an ass.” She whispered the last word, looking to see if anyone had overheard her. Little did she know I sat just behind her, cloaked in darkness.

“Hey, alright, sorry! I should have—”

She marched outside, and I coaxed the shadows back, letting the darkness swirl over my skin until they dissipated.

“That seemed to have gone well,” I offered. Dewalt eyed me in annoyance before it shifted to a softer look which made me feel pitiful.

“Did Rainier not take you to the bathhouse?”

I looked away, attempting to keep my face from showing how his words had wounded me, and caught a whiff of smoke from my hair as it whipped past my face. “He didn’t, no. Come on.” I stood, heading outside, shivering as the cool breeze hit me. “I need to check on the dragons.”

“Did he not come talk to you?”

“No, he did. And then he—he wouldn’t stay with me. He thought—” I looked around the courtyard, not wanting anyone to overhear. I needed a friend to confide in, and Dewalt was here. “When I found him in the dungeon, he was killing a shapeshifter who looked like me. Last night, he woke up and tried to strangle me. He wouldn’t stay; I think he was afraid of hurting me.”

Dewalt closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He scanned me, and I knew he was looking for any sign of injury. I’d healed them already, even the marks on my hips I’d wanted to savor.

“Divine hell. Just give him time, Emma. He’ll be alright. He just needs time.”

“I know. But in the meantime, I’m alone again. I don’t know if—this is all too much. I can’t do this. I killed those women, and I let my daughter die. She might never wake up, D. And now my husband won’t talk to me, won’t be around me…I’m all alone.”

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