Page 65 of Between Despair and Hope

I was crying again and making a gods damn fool of myself. I’d barely cried in the preceding weeks, barely existed, but the moments leading up to our trip to Darkhold and all the ones after seemed to have broken me. I inhaled, trying to pull myself together. Lifting my hands to my face, I wiped my eyes as Dewalt encircled me in his arms, his clean scent enveloping me. He stroked my back, similar to what he’d done when I had accidentally broken the conch shell from Rain.

“You’re not alone. You’re stuck with me now.” He held me at arm’s length before patting the top of my head. He was so much taller than me, I probably looked like a child.

“Thank you, but it’s not the same,” I replied, wiping my nose.

“No. It’s not. But I suppose you’ll have to settle for less at the moment.” He grinned as he put a hand on my shoulder, turning me back toward the fortress. “Go. The bathhouse is on the eastern wall. I’ll talk to Rainier. I’ll take care of the dragons. Everything is going to be alright.”

I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I walked back toward the fortress, and it took a few moments to understand why.

It wasn’t me.

Turning around, I scanned the courtyard, looking for him. When I finally found Rain, standing high above the gate on the parapet, his eyes shot daggers at Dewalt. My breath hitched, feeling nausea with a hint of jealousy simmering across our connection. Our friend spotted him too and waved. When Rain didn’t return the gesture, I watched Dewalt’s steps falter before he strode toward the staircase with a purpose.

Disbelief filled me. He had to know what my friendship with Dewalt was. Rain had to knowhewas what I wanted more than anything. Jealousy had no place between us. I’d promptly dismissed it before with Thyra and even developed a friendship with the woman, for gods’ sakes. And even then, I’d had a reason for jealousy. Disbelief gave way to frustration as I stared up at Rain, burning a hole into the side of his face. When he finally looked down at me, I slowly shook my head, jaw clenched.

“No,” I mouthed. “Never.”

Dewalt came into view from the corner stairwell just as Rain turned away from me, opening a rift and stepping through. I groaned in frustration as I opened my own rift and chose to climb right back into bed.

Chapter 24

Cyran

WhenIwokefromthe illusion, I rubbed my face in disbelief. Deep blue eyes blinked at me, and she wore a small smile, her lips a perfect, full curve. I swallowed, uncertain of what to say to her. Surely, she wouldn’t want to be around me, even though I’d kissed her. Bloody hell, I kissed her in the illusion. But gods, I wanted to do it again. I smiled too, my mouth paying no heed to the fear and trepidation raging within me. She was awake. I had been trying to wake her for weeks, and I finally succeeded.

On my way to Folterra, I’d thought of nothing but her. Hell, even before that, when they took me from the dungeons, she was where my thoughts had gone. I had been fearful. If I wasn’t able to visit her in her dreams, would she ever wake? The desperate need I’d felt to fix her and stay with her far outweighed the fear I felt of being delivered to my brother.

I’d visited her in my dreams on the road, and I was selfish in those illusions. I had thought once I arrived in Darkhold I’d be unable to reach her, or worse—dead. So, we’d read together. I’d figured out how to manipulate her dreams more thoroughly than I once had, and could bar Declan from taking her that morning. In that selfish dream, we’d lounged in my quarters for hours, reading and stealing glances at one another.

She had even moved to sit beside me, her soft curls caressing my arm, and I’d wanted to kiss her then. I didn’t know why. She’d been the first person to see through me and still wanted to be my friend—despite it. And I’d never denied she was beautiful. Perfect.

And when Emmeline found me, I knew that I’d need to go back. To finish what I had started. I didn’t deserve those stolen moments—but I took them all the same. I knew once she woke, Elora would never look at me again, let alone kiss me. But the Elora of my illusions? Of her dreams?

She would kiss me.

I would steal as many kisses from her in our dreams as I could. I would steal whatever moments she would give me, because once she woke and realized what a monster I truly was? She’d hate me forever.

But I’d gotten only the one kiss.

Fate was cruel. I’d have done anything to wake her, even if it meant she’d remember and hate me, but I couldn’t have had a few more tender moments with her?

I felt emotion welling up in my throat, and I tamped it down. I didn’t want her to see any of it, not when she only just woke. I was sure she had questions for me, and I was afraid of her reaction.

She reached out, fingertips fluttering over my jaw, and I stopped breathing. Was it possible she forgave me? She stared at me with such intensity, I felt naked and raw. Thoughts warred behind her eyes, and I waited.

“I’mstarving.” She coughed after she spoke, her throat dry. “Do you think Cook will bring us something?” I smiled as I thought of the surly man who worked in the kitchens at Evenmoor, and then my stomach dropped out at the thought of him. I hoped Declan took nothing out on the staff. I pushed the thought aside. It wouldn’t help me.

“Well, I’m sure I can find you something. But we aren’t in Evenmoor.”

I held my breath, worried about how this conversation would go. If she didn’t know where she was, did she not remember what happened? She sat up on an elbow and looked around the room. I couldn’t help but smile as her eyes lit up in delight at the twin bookshelves sitting on either side of the massive fireplace. Though these were her mother’s chambers, I knew her room held just as many books, if not more. I’d spent some time exploring the estate once the merrow had brought me from the Cascade.

Elora’s eyes moved to the windows, bright winter sun streaming in, and pushed herself up to get a better look at the garden just on the other side. It rivaled in size my favorite garden at Evenmoor. The estate in Folterra where I lived had beautiful grounds, far more exquisite than Darkhold. I thought it was likely the gardeners in Evenmoor had the creative and artistic freedom to hone the grounds into a thing of unrivaled beauty, while my father, and now Declan, ordered the servants by fear.

Elora sat up fully, the massive bed unperturbed by her shifting weight. I supposed I shouldn’t have been in the bed with her, but Mairin didn’t seem like she would have stopped me. I took a quick breath, eyes widening a fraction, as I realized I ought to go fetch the merrow. But I was stuck, taking Elora in. I couldn’t have moved if I tried.

She shook her head as she glanced around, eyes to the ceiling as she noticed the dark beams. The estate was rather modest, as far as royal residences went, but it was beautiful in its simplicity. Declan would have hated it, and the thought gave me some happiness. Her hair was frizzy where she had laid, but it would have been so much worse if Emmeline hadn’t kept up with it. I’d watched once, paying attention as she saturated the more tangled area with water and an oil which had a nutty smell to it, using a wide-tooth comb to ease the tension. Her touch had been delicate, reverent, and I had been struck by how much this woman loved her daughter. Had my mother once looked at me like that?

Stopping in the night before, Lavenia had come to check on her, easing Elora as she traded out a freshly laundered silk pillowcase for the one she had been laying on. She explained how the silk would help keep her hair from matting. Though Elora didn’t know the woman yet, and Lavenia hadn’t been able to truly meet her, it was easy to see the fondness in her expression as she watched Elora sleep. I’d been distinctly jealous and felt rather small about it.

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