Page 68 of Between Despair and Hope

“Bloody hell, Elora! Let me help you, and then I’ll go!”

“Fuckyou, Cyran. Get OUT!” She held her hand up, palm facing me as she screamed.

“Alright, I’ll go. I’m leaving. I’m going.” I scrambled backwards away from her. I deserved this. Everything terrible that she said to me or did to me was something I deserved ten times over. A hundred times. I’d earned her vitriol. I’d earned her hatred. And that was what I saw in her eyes—hatred and pure anger. Her face was red and blotchy, and her nose had begun to bleed again. I stood up, rubbing my chest where her light had hit me. “I’m sorry, Elora, darling.Min viltasma. I’m sorry.”

I moved before her light could hit me again, headed toward the door. Not even a second later, I heard a lamp shatter.

Chapter 25

Rainier

I knew how gods damn stupid it was to feel the way I did when I watched Dewalt hug her. I knew it was pathetic, insane, and, most importantly, unfounded. And the look on her face, the words she mouthed to me, told me she felt it and knew exactly how fucked my mind was at the moment. Between my embarrassment of her knowing and Dewalt being completely oblivious to it, I wanted to be alone. That was why the moment I saw my best friend of over twenty years turn toward the steps to bring him up to the battlement, I rifted directly below the gate and made my way out of the fortress. I didn’t want to disappear or else I’d have rifted farther away, but I wanted him to know I needed space.

It should have beenmepulling that fierce, beautiful woman into my arms. It should have been me running my fingers through her hair, down her back, whispering comfort to her. Though, I couldn’t help but assume the comfort she sought was because of me. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t risk her. She was too important—to me, to the world. She was the answer, and I was just the man who stood at her side. And if I couldn’t be beside her without thinking she was someone else and trying to kill her, then I couldn’t be next to her at all. I felt her confusion and at the last moment her frustration, but I didn’t know what to do. I had to hope time would make it easier. Time would make me forget the bitch I killed in the dungeons of Darkhold. Time would make me forget what she’d done to me. Em had poured her divinity into my back, deft fingertips fluttering across the skin, moving less smoothly than they once had. I hadn’t even noticed the wounds. Would she have helped heal me completely if I had the confidence in my own mind? Heal the wounds of my mind along with those of my body?

It didn’t matter; I couldn’t risk her.

“Rainier!” Dewalt’s shout followed me as I strode toward the cliffs and the massive beasts who circled nearby.

I’d seen them out when the sun rose, and I’d debated between waiting on Emma and going out to see them myself. While I stood on the battlement, I’d felt the bond growing the tiniest bit stronger, her emotions coming through clearer, so I knew she was approaching. I had turned to watch her come out of the fortress. The sun shone down, illuminating her, the act a credit to the gods’ generosity. Even just to look at her would have been enough, even if I never could return to her side again. Just to be granted the ability to see her smile, her laugh, her kindness, her strength. All of it. All of her. Even though I noticed she wore the same clothes from yesterday. Had she pulled them back on after I left her last night or had she waited until morning? She looked exhausted, her hair was unbrushed, and I felt my gut twist. But I pushed it aside; I’d feel a hell of a lot more guilty if I had fucking killed her.

When she looked around, I had wondered if she was looking for me. I willed her to look up, to see me, to know I was here. Even from a distance, I was always here for her. I’d be there for her in other ways as soon as I could, but, for now, this would have to do. She’d grasped Dewalt by the wrist, and I felt something stir within me as they spoke in whispers in the middle of the courtyard. I knew it was unreasonable to think she wouldn’t confide in him, tell him what happened. I had cringed, hoping she wouldn’t tell him too much of the details. He would think I was fucking pathetic for waking up and choking her. For letting myself hurt her. He would think that because itwaspathetic.

Almost more pitiful was the growl that came out of me when I saw Dewalt pull her into his arms. I couldn’t see her face buried in his chest, and my blood heated. I had strained, not allowing my divinity to wrest its control from me and start shaking the ground. Someone cleared their throat behind me, and I ignored it, focusing on my whitening knuckles gripping the half-wall. I didn’t give a fuck if he was my best gods damn friend. She was mine. There was no room for jealousy in our relationship—something she’d made clear by how she reacted to Thyra. I knew we were it for one another. Final and complete. But gods damn, did I feel nauseated. I needed her and couldn’t have her.

“Rainier, slow the fuck down.”

I ignored Dewalt as I kept my pace toward the dragons, almost considering rifting away. But they were too close to the cliff, and I was too on edge to attempt it.

“Shithead!”

I stopped, turning halfway as I waited for him.

“All these years, and I’ve never wanted to use my authority to chop your head off. But today? I want to more than anything.” I gritted my teeth when I imagined his hands rubbing down her back. It was fucking absurd. That was why I kept it to myself. I would have felt this way no matter who it was touching her—because it wasn’t me. Out of anyone I could choose to comfort her here, it would be my best fucking friend. What the fuck was my problem?

“Well, it’s a good thing I helped save your life then. You owe me, brother.” Dewalt clasped his hand on my shoulder as he caught up to me, a slight jig in his step. “I’m not going to let you do it again.”

We were rather close to the cliff’s edge; I could have thrown a rock over it, let it fall down into the water. The dragon Emma and I had ridden upon, the biggest of the seven, landed gracefully in front of me, back-flapping his wings so he landed softly from a hover. Irses. I liked the name. The different constellations had always fascinated me—ever since I was a child. My mother took little interest in me personally, much preferring to deal with Ven and me together—and rarely at that—but she had a telescope and loved showing me the different wonders the night sky could offer.

“Do what?”

I didn’t take my eyes off of the silver-grey behemoth in front of me as I spoke to Dewalt, not sure I wanted to hear what he had to say. Irses lowered his giant head down, blinking at me with my own eyes. She’d made a dragon with a memory of us, and I felt a warmth settle over me knowing what she’d been focused on. I reached for the bond, counting the threads and gently smoothing over them, trying not to touch and disturb her but needing assurance just the same.

“I’m not going to let you shut everyone out and pout for, I don’t know, fifteen years,” he said.

I grunted at him as I approached the giant before me, jumping back at the last minute as the small, wild dragon came falling from the sky. This one, also a male I believed, was dark-green with eyes the color of the sky. He was rather pretty but obnoxious.

“What’s this one’s name?” I asked.

Emma had spoken little as we rode Irses, and when she did, it was quiet. I remembered a few dragon’s names but not all of them. And certainly not this one. He trotted up, the top of his head nearly eye-level with me.

“She hadn’t named him yet. She didn’t quite finish with him before we had to leave,” he answered.

The dragon nudged me, much more gently than he had the day before, and I reached out to pet his snout.

“You think she’d care if I named him?”

Dewalt snorted as he stood next to us, smoothing a fingertip over the ridge above the dragon’s eye. It let out a contented sigh, blinking slowly, and I smiled.

---