Page 7 of Between Despair and Hope

He nodded, and I felt my chest tighten. I had told him I hadn’t wanted to do what I did, just that I had to and had regretted it. It seemed he believed me. But how had I instilled any sort of loyalty in the man? I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve a bit of it. Despite that, I would take him up on it. I knew it would risk his standing as a guard; I knew I was risking my own life in doing it. But it didn’t matter. I needed to see her, to fix her. Who better to accompany a girl who couldn’t wake than a boy who dallied in dreams?

Chapter 4

Emmeline

AftertherevelationwithCyran, I immediately ran to the library, poring over everything I could find to understand more about the promises he had made: one to the seer and one to Faxon. I assumed he made the one to Faxon first, because it was in direct contradiction with what the seer had told him to do. That first oath had been a promise of safety while Elora was under his protection, and he had gotten around it to slice her throat. I had made choices based on that verit oath. I had made choices based on my judgment of his character in the illusions. I had thought Elora was relatively safe. We’d had a plan with the Cascade, and then it all went to shit.

I couldn’t help but blame myself.

I had let us get distracted by our past. I didn’t deserve happiness while Elora wasn’t by my side. It was what I deserved—her being killed, trapped in an unending slumber, and Rain being taken. Every bad thing that happened was because I’d chosen myself. Foolish woman. I’d accepted Lucia’s sacrifice, accepted she had died for me to have this life, and I had nothing but audacity to think I could actually keep it.

I must have dozed off at the table because I woke to Mairin and Thyra chatting quietly beside me. The merrow slid a steaming mug across the table.

“Coffee?”

The library was empty, and, looking out the window, I realized it was long past sunset. I warmed my hands against the mug, feeling chilled because of a draft in the room. Since there had been a group of people at the table by the fire when I had arrived—members of the court who gawked at me often—I had found a spot in the corner, putting as much distance between them and myself as possible. Thankfully, none of them felt brave enough to approach their new queen. Especially not with Thyra beside me.

While useful in keeping me away from prying eyes, the corner did nothing in terms of warmth. Noticing the table by the recently tended fire now sat empty, I began gathering the books in my arms to move when a thought struck me. I concentrated, looking at the crackling flames, before using my divinity to pull some of the heated air across the room to where we sat. It was an odd sensation, almost like inhaling in my subconscious, which brought the warmth over to us. Mairin made a purring sound as I twined the warm air around her ankles and whipped it up her body, sending her hair above and behind her, giving her a surprised look. Thyra laughed, deep and full, as her braid whipped over her shoulder. I chuckled, and the sound surprised me; I hadn’t laughed in weeks. Not since Rain. His radiant smile appeared in my mind, and all humor left me.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked my Second.

“Because you sleep like shit. You needed it.”

“Your aura is fucked too. What were you thinking about before you fell asleep?” I felt the heat of Mairin’s scrutiny on the side of my face.

“The better question would be what wasn’t I thinking about,” I replied.

“Explain.”

I sighed. “Hell, Mairin. All of it, alright?”

“Her Majesty feels guilty,” Thyra supplied. I hadn’t realized my feelings and emotions had projected so clearly.

“What do I have to do to get you to stop calling me that? You sleep in my chambers every night, Thyra.” I darted my eyes over to my traitorous friend. “And yes, I feel guilty.”

With sad eyes, Mairin asked, “Why?”

I didn’t want to have this conversation, but I knew between the two of them they’d pry it out of me.

“Because I’m an idiot. I trusted Cyran. I made stupid decisions because I was distracted with Rain. Because,” I whispered, voice low. I didn’t even want to say the words. “While my daughter was abducted, I let myself think she was safe. I let myself relax. It was selfish. I am not a good mother.”

“We all thought she was safe,” Thyra offered.

Snapping, I raised my voice. “I am her mother. I should have known better. I never should have allowed myself even a moment of respite while she was gone. Distracted by a man, my gods.” My laugh was cold. “No matter how much I love him, no matter how much he means to me, there’s no excuse.”

“Not just a man. Herfather.” Mairin nodded to my ring finger as she spoke. “You said Aonara blessed you on your wedding night, right?”

“Yes.”

“Your Maj—Emmeline, the light, your fire, saved people at the Cascade. Saved me,” Thyra said, voice gentle.

Thinking about my friend with that gods forsaken blade pressed to her neck sent a chill through me. I’d been ready to slit my own throat to save her, but I had trusted my instincts at the last moment and had thrown my dagger and divinity toward them.

“She knows she saved people, Thyra; she’s just looking for someone to blame, and why change how she’s treated herself the last sixteen years.”

“But Iamto blame. I—That happiness we had is tainted because I should have been—”

Mairin cut me off.

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