Page 71 of Between Despair and Hope

I looked up at him, not bothering to hide my aggravation. Closing my eyes, I inhaled slowly, and heard her heart speed up. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to the harrowing. Our friend took off toward the fortress at a brisk walk, and I stared at the cat who had made her way back to wrap around my legs.

“I—” Em stopped, looking down from where she stood, the distance between us more than physical. She seemed like she’d been about to say something else, then thought better of it and shook her head. “I wanted to give everyone a day or so to rest, then head back to Astana—to Elora.” My heart soared at the thought, and I saw a smile play on her lips as she felt my elation. “Do you know what we should do with them?” She turned toward the dragons in various states of rest, play, and hunting.

“They’ve been diving for tuna. Do you know what else they eat?” I couldn’t risk us bringing them to the capital until we knew what they ate and where they could get it. She shook her head. “Well, they seem to do well here, with the sea. The northern coast is a bit far from Astana. I’m sure we could find them something else. Perhaps, sheep?”

She nodded, pulling that bottom lip into her mouth, and I was jealous for the second time that day. I should be pulling her lip into my mouth, using my tongue to erase any distance. But I still couldn’t trust myself, and I almost considered asking her to move her cloak and shirt so I could see that patch of skin, the only thing which seemed to comfort me.

“What if we only take a few to Astana? Leave the rest here. We’d have to talk to Raj first, of course.”

She pulled her cloak tight around her as a breeze rippled past. I closed my eyes, frustrated. We were together again; why weren’t we warm in bed, wrapped up in one another? The image of my hand on her throat as I moved within her appeared in my mind. It shouldn’t have surprised me that she pulled me out of that momentary madness with our physical connection. I was grateful for it, even if it terrified me. We’d renewed the bond; she had my divinity once more, and she was better protected because of it.

“That might be a good idea. Which ones?” I asked.

She turned, eyeing the beasts as they moved. Her gaze immediately turned on Irses as his powerful body dove toward the water, disappearing out of our line of sight over the cliff before reappearing with a tuna the size of a pony in his powerful jaws.

“Irses would come, whether I wanted him to or not. Lux has divine fire—should we bring her?” I contemplated for a moment before nodding. One fire-breathing dragon per location seemed like an intelligent plan. “I thought you might want Shika as your mount,” she whispered.

Sorrow. A loved one wrenched from grasp. Vengeance upon the gods. My eyes tracked over the beast, watched her lying curled up with Lux and Traekka, her tail wrapped protectively around the two smaller dragons. The image warmed my heart, thinking of the two I’d do anything to protect. The two I’d die for. I nodded.

“I suppose this little one wouldn’t know what to do without Irses—he’s kind of taken him…under his wing.” She tried not to smile and failed while I couldn’t help my grin.

“We can bring him too. Perhaps Elora will ride him.”

Once she woke up.

The unspoken part of the sentence weighed heavily on the both of us, clouding the silence between us with heartbreak.

“Is she at the palace?”

“No, the estate. I had a bit of trouble—your mother…” She trailed off, and I stood, brushing off my pants and pulling the hood of my cloak up as the wind whipped around us. Emma’s heart beat nearly out of her chest.

“What happened? We haven’t had a chance to…” It was my turn to trail off. We hadn’t had a chance to speak because I left her—alone. “You said she doesn’t trust you?”

“Why do you think she doesn’t trust me?” Her eyes searched mine, and I watched them narrow, almost imperceptibly, at the slight swelling I could still feel in my face. “I’ll tell you if you let me finish healing you.”

She crossed her arms, and I weighed the idea. We were both awake, alert, and I was rather sick of the tenderness. My joints in my arm still ached, and it would be nice not to have so many physical reminders of what had happened. My eyes darted to her shoulder, and I reminded myself the freckles beneath her clothes were there waiting.

“Alright,” I answered after a moment. “I would appreciate that. Thank you.”

She rubbed the wrinkle between her eyebrows, far more forcefully than necessary. “Don’t thank me.”

Emma crossed the distance between us and tentatively raised her hand, the touch of her cold fingertips delicate, and I closed my eyes.

Real. Mine. Emma.

When she moved to my shoulder, I winced from the pain, but as the heat of her touch flowed through me, I felt relief. I repeated my mantra until she finished, barely focusing on the story about my mother because her being a pain in the ass was nothing new to me, and I opened my eyes wider than I had in days. My jaw still ached, and I was sure I had a loose tooth, but I didn’t bother mentioning it. It would pass.

“We should get back,” I said, stepping back the moment she was done. I scooped Yvi up from the ground, figuring I’d make a stable-cat out of her, and turned back to the fortress. I didn’t feel like using my divinity, wanting to take my time walking back to the bustle. Wanting to take my time with her.

“Rain.” She hadn’t moved. I closed my eyes and inhaled. I knew what she wanted, but I couldn’t give it to her. “I know you’re scared. Talk to me. You won’t hurt me.”

“I will though. I will if we aren’t careful, Em.”

“No, I won’t let you. Look at me.” I couldn’t. “Vestana, look at me.” Her voice strengthened, and I felt her resolve through the bond.

Fuck, I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be certain I wouldn’t have a moment of weakness and accidentally hurt her. I thought I could handle it after she stopped me from choking her. But then she had said something, an echo of what the shifter had said to me, and I was back in the dungeons once more, and the urge to flee came over me.

“I have nothing to give you, Em. Maybe soon. But not yet.”

---