Page 73 of Between Despair and Hope

Already dwindling in number, the war eradicated the pure-blooded elves completely. Unlike their ancestors, any who still had elf-blood in their veins today had little influence over the earth magick, which was their birthright. I’d always found it quite tragic. As the selkies and merrows of the seaborn felt called to the sea, the elves and fae of the forestborn drew their magick from the earth. The more mortal blood flowed in their veins, the less power they could draw. Mairin was a full-blooded merrow, and if she had access to her pendant, her gifts would have been immense.

“He would never speak about his death, but I suspect it was him, yes.” Rain traced a fingertip over the delicate script, and I wondered if there was anyone alive who knew how to read it.

“You said it makes you ill?”

My shudder was involuntary.

“I wanted it, desperately. It was almost calling out to me, but when I touched it, I don’t know...” A shadow twisted its way up my wrist, and I flicked it away. How could I feel so repulsed and yet drawn to it? “It made me feel sick. Nauseated and angry. I assume you don’t feel that?”

He shook his head. His hand had moved away from it when he touched it, but perhaps it meant nothing. He sheathed the blade as he made his way around to the footbridge. I hadn’t moved, just staring down at my hands where they wrapped around the railing. I felt his eyes on me, and I forced myself not to look at him. Giving him space, allowing this distance which I hated to my very core, was something he needed from me. I could do that for him. But I detested every second of it.

“You ready?” I nodded and turned away from him, spreading my hands to form the rift. When he put his hands on my waist, I couldn’t help but tense. I wanted to melt into his touch, lean backwards into his strength and warmth. My daughter was safe, and Rain was back. Everything I had ever wanted was within reach, yet I couldn’t have it. Not the way I wanted, anyway. I stood there, frozen, for just a moment. Allowing myself a second to calm my racing heart and spinning head before I opened the next rift. And right as the sound and shimmer tore through the air, I felt him move, felt his breath against my neck.

And when he inhaled, I stifled a sob.

“You’ve been using my soap.”

I tried to spin in his grip, not sure what I intended, but his hands tightened on my waist, not allowing me movement. All our emotions were so wrapped up and tangled between us, I couldn’t distinguish his from my own. But I didn’t move, not wanting to endanger this small improvement he’d made. I nodded, unable to speak, stepping away from him into the rift. He followed behind, putting space between us. It was a knife in my chest, but I hid my reaction. He’d given me the space and time I needed while I sorted out my head and my heart. He was patient—until he wasn’t—but I’d give him what he needed.

We continued our journey in the same manner, me giving him space and him sometimes closing the distance. Before I knew it, we were back at the apple tree where we’d memorized the prophecy we’d stolen from the Supreme.

“Has he come calling for his book?”

“He offered to heal Elora. I refused, obviously.” He exhaled, the relief palpable. “The morning after he offered, all hell broke loose. But she’s been at the estate—warded.”

Rain moved the earth, snow and dirt churning as his divinity worked. The dirt bubbled up beneath the ground, and a stone box came bouncing out, as if the dirt were a geyser and the box a floating log. I watched him as he pocketed the delicate tome inside, waiting for him to explain what he was planning on doing with it.

“Declan was raping the novices, trying to impregnate them in some sort of bid to impress Rhia.” Horror and revulsion raced through my body. Potent. “We know he is Ciarden-blessed, and I suspect Hanwen-blessed as well. I’m not sure about Aonara. But since he isn’t Rhia-blessed, he might not be the Accursed. Though he clearly wants to be.”

I felt hollow.

“Those women—the women I—” My eyes stung. I hadn’t meant to hurt anyone, let alone people who had done no wrong. But innocents who had been raped and held captive by a monster? Even their last moments had been painful because of me. I stilled as Rain took a step forward, eyes on mine. I was sure he felt my sorrow, but he didn’t come any closer. “They never knew peace,” I whispered.

“They might not have—you’re right. I won’t pretend what happened wasn’t horrible, Em. But I suspect they found some peace in one another.”

I took a step forward, still taking Rain in, wanting nothing more than his warm arms wrapped around me, but when I saw him stiffen at my approach, I took a step back. Clearing my throat and my mind, I held my hand out to him.

“Are you ready to go home?”

When he reached back and squeezed, I felt nothing but love, warmth, and concern from him for a few moments before it slowly ebbed into unease. He lifted his hand, and we formed the final rift together.

The elvish woman Dewalt had called upon to form the wards included Rain in her magick boundary. Rain had utilized her services in the past, so it was easy for her to do. I supposed with him back in Astana, it might be safe to lift them. But I didn’t want to deal with that at the moment; the impending collision of two people I loved more than I loved myself was commanding every ounce of my attention. The rift we formed opened into the great room, the high ceilings and wooden beams a comforting sight.

We were home.Ourhome. This place where I’d been dreaming of making memories of the three of us, hoping that despite the odds, we’d get to follow through. And now, standing there in the still quiet, I was overcome by all the emotions I’d been holding at bay. I sunk to the cream sofa and held my head in my hands.

I couldn’t see her like this.

I didn’t know what kind of state she was in, emotional or otherwise, and I couldn’t afford not to be strong for her. Between being strong enough to give Rain the space he needed and hiding all fear and regret and guilt about what happened to my daughter, I wasn’t sure I had anything left for myself. I wasn’t crying, but it felt like I should have been. I was waiting for the prick of tears at the back of my eyes to take over, but it didn’t, and I supposed it was a good thing; I wouldn’t have to hide my tears from her.

Gods, I was exhausted.

I heard Rain’s footsteps move behind me, coming around to where I sat, and he crouched in front of me.

He had always known when I needed his physical touch, the grounding to reality, and I could tell he wanted to give me that. I could feel the yearning, could see it in his eyes when they met mine. Yet he kept his distance, briefly reaching out to brush my knee before pulling away. And that hurt more than if he hadn’t touched me at all.

I inhaled, dropping my hands to rest between my legs. It was quiet, and I wondered where everyone was. It had been half a day since Thyra had brought us the message that Elora was awake. I supposed it was time for Mairin and Ven to be busy at the palace, but I couldn’t imagine they’d leave Elora here alone. Cyran must be here somewhere. But considering I didn’t hear their voices, and I wasn’t sure how she’d reacted to him, I was confused. That was why when Sterling walked out of the dining room, humming a somber tune, I leapt up from the sofa as if I were on fire. Spinning to face him, I took a few deep breaths. He’d scared the hell out of me.

“Your Majesty!” The butler panted, clutching his chest, and I thought he’d have a few more grey hairs because of it.

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