Page 86 of Between Despair and Hope

“I can’t,” he gasped, and the shadows slipped around his torso.

“Yes, you can, love. Call upon your light,” I urged, voice steady and sure despite my own heartbreak. A flicker came from his fingertip, and the shadows only repelled a small amount. Keeping one hand on his face, I held the other between us, cupping a small flame. “Like this, Rain. Watch me.”

And he did. His breathing slowed as he watched my flame, and he made one in his hand to match it.

“Focus on the light. Good. They’re already going away. Breathe.”

His frantic heart had slowed, and I allowed my hand on his face to caress downward, tracing my fingertips over his shoulder.

“Almost there. Look at me, Rain.”

His eyes met mine, filled with sorrow, and I noticed all the shadows were gone. When I leaned in, trying to soften his terror with a kiss, his emotions through the bond and the obsessive attention to my shoulder gave me pause. Brushing my hair away, uncovering the small spot over my collarbone, I sat back on my heels.

“It’s alright. It happens to me sometimes too, when my thoughts go dark. Irses was a mistake made by one of my outbursts.”

“I can’t touch you anymore. Not yet.”

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“No, I didn’t. This time, it wasn’t even about hurting you.” I held my hands in my lap, letting him speak. “When you used the shadow on my wrist, it reminded me of the straps—” He cut himself off, angrily rubbing his chin.

“From the rack,” I whispered. “Rain, I’m sorry. I was just trying to show you I could—”

“I know. I could feel your excitement when you realized it. But it’s not going to work. I can’t be around you until I work through this shit, Em.”

“Stay in your sister’s room. I understand.” Gods, did it pain me, but I understood.

“Being around you and not being able to—it’s fucking torture.” He shook his head before standing and opening a rift without even looking at me. He’d barely returned, and I’d already lost him.

If I even got him back to begin with.

Chapter 29

Lavenia

Three Weeks Later

WhenIfinallybeganto feel like myself again, I’d been staying at the palace for nearly a month after Rainier kicked me out of the estate. I hadn’t wanted to go all the way to my own estate. Surprisingly, it had been a blessing. I felt for Emma, knew whatever reason he had to sleep in my room rather than with her was going to torture her. But it gave me some distance from everyone, Mairin included, and I could come to terms with the way things had changed in my life. The merrow had been avoiding me anyway, but this way, it made me feel as if it were my decision. Since no one did a single thing for winter solstice, it was easy to avoid everyone. I didn’t think anyone was in the mood for celebration.

So many things had changed, and it was nice to have time to get used to it. Emmeline was back with a niece I still hadn’t met, Rainier was king, the mental bond between Dewalt and me had already severed, and I could no longer use his divinity. The other threads were fading, and I avoided inspecting them more thoroughly because I didn’t want to think about it. Those threads had been an ever-present part of me for ten damn years. Not having them made me feel naked.

Dewalt had taken me by surprise. I knew it might happen one day, but I thought it would be me who decided it. That I’d be madly in love with someone, and we’d part ways for the better. But this felt like he was leaving me high and dry with little warning. And the way he’d looked at me when he announced it to Rainier made me feel awful. Pitied. It still annoyed me that he couldn’t give me an hour to get used to it before he had to go say something to my brother. The only thing we’d agreed upon was respect, and, though I was glad he had the decency to talk to me about things, it didn’t feel like a mutual agreement.

“Ven, I need you to act as emissary.”

Drawing me out of my thoughts, Rainier clapped a hand to my shoulder. We’d been in a council meeting, deciding what to do about Folterra, but I hadn’t moved since it ended. It was just the two of us left.

“Where? Nythyr? When?”

“After the coronation. And no, not Nythyr. The seaborn. Mairin mentioned finding allies among her people.”

“The merrows haven’t been involved in conduit squabbles in centuries. What makes her think they’d want to be involved now?”

I ignored the nervous pinch in my stomach over Mairin not bringing it up with me.

“You two didn’t discuss this?” he asked.

“We did,” I lied. “I just didn’t think her reasons were good enough. But you must have?”

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