Page 99 of Between Despair and Hope

“You know Sterling reports to me, right? I know what time you leave every day.” Without telling me a single thing about it. She left with different people each time too. Dickey, Thyra, Dewalt, Mairin, even my gods damn sister went with her. And not a single one would tell me where she went. Dewalt had assured me she was safe, but the fact he wouldn’t tell me more than that pissed me off more than it should have. Dewalt was my best fucking friend, and the two of them conspiring together to keep a secret irked me.

“I know,” she answered simply.

“I suppose I’m going to have to follow you if I want to find out?”

“No. You’ll have to come back to me, Rain.” She withdrew her hand from mine.

“I’m trying.”

“You don’t need to try. Just come back. Gods, if I have to tie you to the bed so you can’t hurt me, I will. Just…How do you expect to be around me again withoutbeing around me?“ Biting, her words were laced with frustration, and I wanted to take that away, but I wasn’t ready to put her at risk. Why couldn’t she understand that? I was staying at the estate with her. I was interacting with her at dinner with Elora every night. I thought I was being reasonable.

It didn’t matter that we hadn’t had a real conversation. Or that I couldn’t concentrate unless I could see those gods forsaken freckles.

“I’ve tried being patient, I’ve tried giving you space, and I don’t know what else to do. I thought you were going to talk to Dewalt, or maybe Ven. Anyone. You’ve shut us all out. You’ve shutmeout,“ she whispered. “You feel how weak the threads are.” Blue ice met my gaze when I looked over at her. “Time’s almost up, Rain.”

Echoing my own words from the fall, her chin jutted out. I fought myself to put a hand on either side of her face and pull her mouth to mine. She was right. It wasn’t just the Body either which was weak. We needed to talk, to connect.

“Tonight. I will try tonight.” Her lips parted, and I only let my eyes dart to her collarbone for a second before they returned to tracing her perfect features, more beautiful each day, I was sure. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were pink from the cold. The furrow between her brows relaxed, and the wind kicked up along with her heartbeat. Not sure if the wind was from either of us, or from the winter weather, I took a step toward her, closing the distance. “At some point though, whether or not we need it, I wouldn’t mind either of us being tied to the bed.”

Her face flushed, not from the cold this time, and she pulled the hood of her cloak up. “You can’t say things like that.” Though there was irritation in her tone, her lips twisted up at one side.

“And why not?”

“Because you’ll make me want them.”

“And what’s wrong with wanting that?”

“Everything, when I don’t know if you’ll be able to give it.” She crossed her arms, turning away.

“Tonight is only the first night. We have plenty of nights for us, forme, to figure it out. Imagining you that way is quite the incentive, you know.”

“Who said I want to be the one tied up?” She laughed, her nose crinkling. Gods, I missed her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around her. I wanted it more than anything. But until I stopped having nightmares and panic attacks, I didn’t want to risk it. Only one night had been as bad as the night in the hallway. I’d woken up covered in sweat and shadows, and I’d done what Em taught me, using my light to brighten the room and banish the dark. “After all, you’re the one you’re worried about,” she said.

“And you’re not worried?”

“No.” Definitive, confident, and final, her voice didn’t waver as she gripped my hand.

I had to break my promise sooner than I thought.

When we had returned to Astana, Emma went off to do whatever it was she refused to tell me about, and I accompanied the Supreme and his High Masters to the temple. Having brought a few members of my guard along with us, I positioned them out in the street, waiting to apprehend Filenti or the other masters who might have run.

But none of them were in the temple. There were a few novices in the building, going about their tasks, but they all deferred graciously to the Supreme. One novice hadn’t spoken their vow of silence, and they explained no one had seen the missing masters for the last day.

The ground rumbled beneath my feet as I struggled to get my temper under control. I had wanted this so badly for Em. I was kicking myself for not taking matters into my own hands, respect for the man I’d known my whole life and fear of his alliance with Nereza be damned. I should have dealt with Filenti the moment he made her fucking kill that woman.

Fuck.

Though the Supreme intended to stay in Astana for a while, aiding in a High Master’s takeover of Filenti’s role, he gave his full permission for me to rid the capital of the missing masters if my men found them first. By whatever means I chose.

Not knowing where they were unnerved me, and I decided to tell Em as much when she returned to the estate that night. She wore common clothing—her old boots, a stained pair of breeches, and a plain black button-down shirt beneath the winter cloak belonging to her sister. She didn’t fit the image one might expect from a queen. I studied her frame, looking for any hint of where she might have been. Her hair was slipping free from her braid, and her face wore a grimace. Massaging one palm with her other hand, she winced, and I grasped it in mine, gently rubbing away the soreness. Whatever she’d been up to was painful for her.

Though I doubted she would tell me, especially since I was about to break my promise, I thought perhaps a bit of my own transparency would help her understand.

“Filenti was gone. The other masters too,” I said, watching for a reaction which didn’t come. “And because I fear where they are and what they might do—to you—on top of a bad day in Lamera, I am certain to have a nightmare. I can count on it at this point. Tonight isn’t a good night to start, but—”

She tugged her hand free from mine and spun on a heel toward my suite—oursuite. She’d come back late, Elora already asleep in her room, so I walked after her, keeping my voice low as I called out to her.

“Em, I’m sorry,” I said, reaching for the hand she wouldn’t let me grab as she stalked toward the bedroom.

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