Page 113 of Between Fear and Favor

“I don’t think I’m doing it right,” I gritted out, frustrated. “Something is supposed to happen, right?”

“Considering you pulled yourself out of my vision, I’d say you aren’t focusing on your body,” he said. “That feeling? The one curling your toes? It will keep building until it releases—and that part feels really good, Nor.”

“Can’t you just do it?” I asked.

“Oh, no, Nor. This first one is yours. It’s sacred.”

“Sacred?” I scoffed, reaching for his hand to drag it over me.

“You’ve spent your whole life worshiping the gods. It’s time to worship yourself, for once,” he said. Rolling toward me, he brought the tips of his fingers over my lower stomach. “Just think of your pleasure and have patience, Nor. I have nowhere to be other than right here, watching you make yourself feel good.”

He pressed his lips to my shoulder, the one covered in scars, as he continued tracing his fingers over the pebbled flesh beneath my navel. After a moment, I moved my hand back where it had been between my legs, ready to try once more. He moved his lips over me with such delicate precision, I almost wept. He knew the exact spots which bothered me, avoiding them, and he was so painfully gentle in the areas where I had feeling.

Slowly, I circled that sensitive bundle of nerves, increasing the pressure with each pass. My breathing turned ragged as my pleasure increased. Tense, there was a pressure building within me, and I knew the longer I moved, the more I thought of Dewalt, the closer I would get to releasing it.

“I need you to kiss me,” I panted. “Put your fingers inside me,” I begged, following my instinct as my muscles clenched. “Like the vision.”

“Hanwen, help me,” he murmured, but then he moved, propping himself on an elbow as he pressed his fingertips to my entrance. “Gods, you’re drenched,” he said as he pushed inside with one finger and then another. My body reacted without any thought, and I began to writhe against him as I moved faster. Maintaining firm pressure, I whimpered as he and I worked together to bring the promised release to my tired muscles. When he leaned down to kiss me, I whimpered into his mouth. His fingers kept moving inside me, relentless, and I gasped for breath.

“You’re perfect, Nor,” he whispered against my lips. “The answer to a fucking prayer.”

And I would never be certain it wasn’t his words which caused it, because at that moment, I understood what he’d meant. My entire body tingled as that pressure released. Shutting my eyes tight, I saw flashes of white and gold as I tried to catch my breath. My back arched off the furs, and a groan tore from my body. Dewalt’s fingers slowed, working me through the aftershocks of my pleasure. His touch was a gentle stroke that made my hips buck. He stole another kiss from my lips before whispering things I couldn’t hear into the crook of my neck.

I was overwhelmed, and my entire body went slack as I caught my breath. Strangely, I rationalized why the Myriad made novices go without this. I wasn’t sure how long it would be possible to serve the gods before needing to do this again. And again. And with partners? No wonder we were discouraged from physical pleasure.

“Skies,” I breathed, and my eyes began to water. Before I knew what was happening, hot tears spilled freely. “Oh, no,” I gasped, swiping furiously at my cheeks. “I’m sorry, I’m not—I don’t know why?—”

Dewalt shushed me, gently turning my face toward him. “It’s all right, songbird. It happens sometimes. It can be emotional, and it’s completely normal.”

I swallowed, the tears stopping nearly as soon as they started. The vulnerability, the pleasure, the sheer happiness of being in his presence, must have overwhelmed me for a moment. I was just glad he didn’t think I was crying because I was sad; I was the furthest thing from it.

“Thank the gods,” I said, wiping my eyes and turning in his arms. When something hard and wet jabbed me in the hip, I gasped. “Is that?—”

“Ignore it,” he grunted, shifting so I could no longer feel him.

“I willnot. You should find your pleasure too,” I said, surprised by the sultry lilt to my voice.

“This was for you,” he said. “I don’t want to make this about me.”

“Let this be for me too, then,” I said, before grabbing his hand and putting it on him. Emboldened by my own release, I wrapped my hand around his. “Show me how to do this too,” I whispered.

He swore, and a soft laugh tumbled from his lips as he looked at me in disbelief. His breath hitched as he moved, pressing his lips to mine once more. “It won’t take much,” he said, and then he buried his face into my neck as he began to move his hand in short, fluid strokes. I held on, studying each movement. A slight flick to his wrist made his grip twist with each thrust, and his hips began to move in tandem with his hand. When my hand brushed against his length, I was surprised to feel how soft he was there. Groaning into my skin, his mouth was hot against my neck as he pushed his length into his fist a few more times before abruptly stopping.

I watched in fascination when he rolled onto his back. His abdomen tightened, muscles taut, as he continued to thrust into his fist. There were droplets of wetness on the tip of him, and part of me wanted to move his hand just to look. I’d never seen the intimate parts of another person before, and I was certain he was a perfect example. He used his free hand to reach for me, wrapping it around the back of my neck and hauling me down to kiss him. Tiny pants of breath escaped over my lips, faster as his chest heaved. And when he found his release, he moaned into my mouth.

“Gods, Nor. I-I—” He swallowed, pressing my forehead to his as he caught his breath. “I…Thank you.”

And as he cleaned off his stomach, bashful and apologetic, I bent over and kissed him again—gently this time. He smiled at me, something beautiful and raw, and I realized he hadn’t given me a smile like that before. His dark hair fanned out around him, and my heart slammed against my chest in realization. There was no going back from this.

There wasn’t a world in which I wouldn’t crave more with him. Fear suddenly gripped my mind. Knowledge that he hadn’t found love after Martyr Lucia’s death weighed heavily upon me. Was there any hope I could be the exception? Who was I to think I could change him?

I screwed my eyes shut as I kissed him again, willing this moment between us to stretch out forever. He cupped the back of my head, hauling my body against his, and when I put my leg over him, he allowed it. Curling a heavy arm around my waist, Dewalt pulled me tight against him. The desire to take him into my body was strong, my core clenching at the thought, but I couldn’t allow myself thoughts like that. I knew that was something I’d never recover from if he had no desire to keep me.

And, skies, did I want to keep him.

So, I did the only thing which seemed right, and I began to pray.

Chapter 50

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