Page 121 of Between Fear and Favor

I walked to the center of the room, staring up at the blue sky visible through the roof. I remembered the last time I saw Saski, and I clenched my jaw. “Since before that.” I cleared my throat. “Since right after Lucia died.”

The pitch of concerned brows on my sister’s face, one of the only people who knew about me and Lu, had been burned into my mind ever since. The pity I’d despised and the comfort I’d yearned for had been too much, and I’d run.

To Nor’s credit, she didn’t flinch at my words. It was the first time I’d spoken about Lucia to her since that day in the palace when I’d had my hand down the front of her pants. When that gods forsaken portrait fell to the ground, reminding me of what I’d lost.

A hawk flew above, a tiny pinprick against the blue sky, and I frowned at it, coming to a new realization. That Lucia was not real. She had kept whole parts of herself hidden from me, and I’d wasted so much time mourning someone who didn’t exist. It was only made worse by the fact she’d made those choices to protect me. Guilt and resentment now walked hand-in-hand with my memories of Lucia, and part of me would never forgive her for it. Another part of me, one that was growing louder and sounded an awful lot like Nor, wanted me to let this bitterness go, and to take Lucia’s admission for what it could be—a second chance. I shook my head, focusing instead on how my sister had treated me after Lu died.

“Saski knew about us, and seeing her was just—” I cut myself off. “Eventually, it just became easier not to. Our mother hated the Crown anyway, after Soren refused to help our village during a blight year, and she’d viewed my departure as a betrayal. She refused to see that Rainier hated him too. Between the two of them, the thought of coming back made my stomach hurt. Still does, if I’m honest.”

Opening the pack Saski had brought, I dug through it to find two pairs of trousers, a yellowed work shirt from her husband, and a long, loose-fitting tunic in my sister’s favorite color.

“It will be all right,” Nor said, and then she stepped behind me, banding her arms around my waist as she pressed her face against my back. I closed my eyes, dropping the pack on the floor, before putting my arms over hers. She was going to make separating my heart from her as hard as possible. Only allowing myself a moment of weakness, I extricated myself from her arms before grabbing the tunic and Saski’s trousers from the ground.

“These will get you by,” I said, pushing them into her arms before clearing my throat. “I’ll give you some privacy,” I murmured, stepping back. I couldn’t stop myself from meeting her eyes, feeling like an asshole as she tilted her head to the side and pursed her lips.

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked.

“No, of course not,” I reassured her, feeling like a fucking liar even if I spoke true. “You’re perfect.”

“Then stop acting strangely,” she said, brows pinching tightly together. “If you didn’t…enjoy last night, then?—”

The idea I was making her feel inadequate burned a hole through my chest, propelling me to close the distance between us. “To be frank, I don’t know if I’ve enjoyed anything more,” I said. “Saski can just be…my sister is…anyway, it’s nothing to do with you,” I lied.

Everything revolved around her.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she watched me with narrowed eyes. After a moment, she nodded, having found whatever it was she sought, and turned away from me.

“Well, go make up for lost time while I get dressed,” she said. “I’ll be right out, and you will no longer be acting funny. I demand it,” she said, flashing a bright smile over her shoulder as her cloak slipped off it. My legs moved of their own accord when I surged forward, pulling her back into a one-armed hug and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

Stupid, greedy fuck.

“That can’t be Luka,can it?” I asked Saski as we finally neared the village a little while later. There was a man loitering on her porch, dark hair falling into his eyes, though it was cut short on the sides. It was the beard he sported, looking so much like his father, that surprised me.

“It can, and is. I suppose he’s come to get more ginger for his wife. She’s been feeling ill lately—” At this, Saski surreptitiously rubbed her stomach, and my eyes widened. “I swear, that boy cannot do enough for her. He’s at my house every day looking for something to make her happy.”

“I didn’t know he was married.”

“I don’t think we need to do this all day, do we? The village has changed, and so have you. Figure it out,” she said as she shrugged her shoulders. Others might have interpreted Saski’s bluntness as derision, but she was the same as me in that regard. Why make things more palatable when our intention isn’t hurtful?

Nor squeezed her arms tighter around me, leaning to the side to look at the front porch. It was hard to believe the last time I’d shared a horse with her was only a day ago, and I’d had to hold her because she was too weak to do much herself. “Her eldest?” she asked, quiet enough only I could hear her. I liked it a little too much that she wanted to talk to only me.

“He couldn’t have been more than twelve the last I saw him. And now he has a family of his own. It’s hard to believe.”

As we approached the horse-stall on the side of Saski’s house, Luka left the front porch, putting his hands on his hips to look up at me.

“Well, well, well. Never thought I’d see you again, Uncle. Being royalty and all that.”

“Well, I’m no longer married to the princess, so I thought it acceptable to mingle,” I joked, and the grin he sported made my chest hurt a bit. He was a far cry from the child I used to carry on my shoulders.

“Why were you lingering?” Saski asked, and he rubbed his hand up the back of his head.

“Sheira is in a mood this morning, and I heard who you were going to fetch. Thought I’d stay until you arrived and keep out of her hair.”

“In a mood?” Saski asked, dismounting and shoving the baby into their older brother’s arms.

“I was breathing too loud last night, and it kept her up.”

Nor snorted, burying her face into my back. Saski turned, glancing up at her, and my sister’s face broke out into a wide grin.

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