Page 147 of Between Fear and Favor

I didn’t know how long I arched in pain before it finally eased. I was still dying, still yearning to lose the battle I didn’t intend to fight, when I regained my hearing. I didn’t dare open my eyes, but some of my awareness returned. Estri was touching me, running her hand over my forehead as she supported my back. How could she hold me so gently as she murdered me?

A garbled moan echoed in the chamber, ringing out around us as it tore through the water, and I didn’t know if it belonged to me. Perhaps it was Mairin, mourning my death. I gritted my teeth as the pain stagnated. Instead of fiery bursts of agony, the ache became an unbearable constant.

“Please,” I begged—panting and wishing for it to end. “I’m sorry.” The words wrenched free from me with force. I didn’t know who I was apologizing to. Mairin? Myself? The Sea Queen for my inevitable betrayal? It didn’t matter.

“If you die, I will be quite disappointed, treasure,” Estri murmured. “I thought you were stronger.”

Her words allowed me to shut out my fears and doubts and all of my overwhelming suffering. I’d learned just how strong and capable I was. Forgotten or forsaken, I now knew better what a fearsome adversary I could be. I would never lose myself again. If my time here was what was required to understand my own worth and power, then I would have done it all over again.

My body curled in on itself, and I barely registered the sharp prick of Rhia’s comb beneath my clothing as the burning white pain shifted to my legs. Only they weren’t legs—not anymore. Starting at my thighs and slowly moving toward the tips of my toes, Estri’s power stitched my legs together, creating what I knew to be a powerful tail.

Though it felt like my death, this was the furthest thing from it.

I coughed, unable to stop what I’d last eaten from making its way out of my stomach. Choking on vomit, I tried to roll free from Estri’s grasp, but her grip only tightened. I sputtered and gagged as one of her long fingers shoved into my mouth to clear it.

“Almost finished,” she murmured, but I barely heard her over Mairin. The merrow didn’t speak—couldn’tspeak—but her mournful cry was almost more than I could bear. Was it that horrifying? Had I turned into some dreadful monster?

My gums began to ache, and I could only imagine what was happening to my teeth. Far too numerous and frighteningly sharp, would I even be able to speak?

The pain lessened, although I felt an intense pressure in my hips. It was as if my legs wanted to separate, but couldn’t, and my muscles suffered because of it. My lungs filled with water, and I gasped for air. I realized whatever Estri had done to make it so I could breathe hadn’t been permanent. As I changed, my chest grew heavy and my body grew cold. Panicking, I opened my eyes, but everything was blurry. Reaching for my throat, I writhed in Estri’s arms, certain if I survived the change, I’d have been too long without air.

Mairin screamed, and I felt her hands on me. Estri snarled, and my merrow stopped touching me almost immediately. My vision blurred even further, with dark spots appearing along the edges, but I could just make out the red curls of the woman who’d captured my heart and then destroyed it. For a dizzying moment, I thought perhaps she’d started to glow with a bright orange light, but it faded just as I closed my eyes. I couldn’t keep them open any longer.

Just as I was about to succumb to unconsciousness, my lungs expanded and I could breathe. I panted and gulped, reaching for my neck where Estri had once cut my throat. Instead of the single slice of skin, I now had gills. Delicate skin fluttered on either side of my throat. Somehow, I’d managed to forget that part of Mairin’s haunting mermaid form.

Mairin grabbed my wrist and tugged my hand from my neck. Twining her fingers with mine, she squeezed my hand tightly, and I couldn’t help it when I began to cry. The pain should have been enough to kill me. How I hadn’t succumbed to an apoplectic attack, I wasn’t sure, but I knew I couldn’t withstand much more.

“Make it stop,” I whispered, clumsy-tongued as I struggled with my teeth, and Estri chuckled. Abruptly, the pain stopped, but I still ached. It felt as if I’d been dropped from a great height, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever gain control of my limbs.

“Open your eyes, Princess,” Estri said, and I did. My vision had changed. Gone were the vibrant colors I’d been able to see in the moonpearls’ glow. Everything existed in shades of grey, and a sob tore up my throat. Was this permanent? I couldn’t make out any of the vibrant tones that I knew made up the Sea Queen’s domain.

Would I never see color again?

Horrified, I tried to push myself out of Estri’s arms, spinning to look at Mairin’s hair. When she’d turned into a merrow, her hair had shifted from the orange-red I loved to something darker. Beneath the waves, her hair had appeared almost black. During Estri’s dinner, when I’d first arrived, Mairin had floated near a wall of moonpearls, and I’d been able to make out that blood-red hue. Now, though, there was no color to it. My world had turned flat, distracting me from the pain throbbing throughout my body.

Would I ever enjoy a sunset again? Foxglove, the bright pink seahorse who nearly glowed when beside moonpearls would be just another shade of grey.

“No,” I moaned. With everything that had just happened to my body, my altered sight felt like the biggest loss of all.

“Sit up,” Estri ordered, pressing her cold hand against my back. My center of gravity had changed with my new tail, and I didn’t know how to adjust. I tried to kick, as if I still had my legs, and the feeling was uncomfortable. Would I be able to move around as I’d need to in order to follow through with my plan?

“Too hard,” I said, surprised by how much I needed to use my abdomen since I didn’t have control of my lower half yet.

“Do not make me regret this, my jewel. I do not have the desire to teach you how to exist in this form.”

I sputtered, turning to look up at her. I knew what she was, what she was capable of. She’d said herself that it was folly to think the gods were interested in more than pleasure and penance. But still. She’d changed everything about my body in such a brief time, putting me through immeasurable pain; was there really no compassion within her?

She was a cruel god.

Estri’s other arm dropped from beneath my body, and I sank toward the ground, trying to make sense of the movements needed to remain upright.

Mairin was there in an instant. Whatever pain had been inflicted upon her, the dark bruises which covered her body, must have seemed small in comparison to what she’d witnessed with me. She gripped my upper arm, both firm and gentle, while helping me situate myself properly in the water. Mairin. The merrow who had watched me kiss the woman who birthed her, and had cried for me in my worst moments—was here. Wrapping a steadying arm around my waist, her touch was delicate as she supported me.

Would I have even been in this situation if not for her?

If Mairin and I had come beneath the waves on good terms, would I have tried so hard to figure out the mystery of Estri’s power? Would I have cared about Foxglove and the other seaborn? Would Smokkar have shown me the Sea Queen’s prison?

Everything had happened the way it did for a reason. I had to believe that.

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