Page 148 of Between Fear and Favor

And despite my desire to collapse into her, to rest and grieve and worry, I could not jeopardize my plan. I wanted to press my skin to hers and never move again. But there were so many reasons I couldn’t. I knew if I did, I wouldn’t trust myself to bring up everything that had gone wrong between us.

I had to hold her accountable or else I’d have learned nothing.

“Get off me,” I said, sneering at Mairin instead of nuzzling into the crook of her neck.

Tilting my hips forward and back, I found that I was better able to stay upright. I didn’t dare look down, uncertain about how I’d feel when I saw what my body had become. Merrows were beautiful and fearsome—would I feel like someone new?

“Come, Princess,” Estri said, and my back stiffened in response.

I was seaborn. I was a princess. My hand drifted to where Rhia’s sharpened comb laid over my breast.

The Sea Queen’s tail wrapped around mine, and I couldn’t stop myself from looking. Far longer than my legs, my tail extended below me, and the thinly frilled fins at the end were almost transparent. Though I couldn’t feel that part of me, I could sense it. Almost like the wind blowing through one’s hair on a blustery day, I felt movement. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed another frill in the middle, near where the backs of my thighs would have been. My tail was much darker than Mairin’s, and I desperately wanted to know what color it was. It wasn’t the same as my skin tone, but I couldn’t tell anything else. Was it black like Estri’s? Dark blue? Perhaps a violet color? It was impossible to tell, and for whatever reason, that was the most upsetting aspect of all.

Never mind that I had a tail, that my body had now changed in so many ways I didn’t feel like it fit anymore. The fact I couldn’t see it the way I needed to was nearly incapacitating.

“What color is it?” I asked, my throat tightening enough to make it hard to speak. It was far harder to ignore the gills on my throat than the single slash Estri had made. They felt like goosebumps on my flesh.

“What?” Estri snapped, reaching for my hand. Pulling me toward the bed of lotus flowers, away from Mairin, she sounded irritated by my question. But for whatever reason, I needed to know. I was on the verge of hysterics, nearly unable to focus on anything else.

I am seaborn. I am a princess.

“My tail. My eyes? Did they change? My hair?” I asked, uncertain if I wanted there to be any familiarity at all. With my physiology changing so tremendously, would it be easier if my body looked less like my own?

“Like a blackwater iris,” Mairin said from behind me. “Near the center—that dark violet shade.” My upper body fell into the Sea Queen’s as I tried to spin to look at Mairin. Her voice was raspy with disuse, but soft. So quiet, as if she didn’t want to break a spell. My eyes met hers, and her mouth dropped open as she stared at me. Her hand rested against her chest, and everything within me froze as I took her in.

Had she ever looked at me like that before? With something akin to awe?

Estri made a sound not unlike a scream, and she grabbed at my wrist. “You wore me out, treasure. My magick is tired, and I must rest.” And then she moved us faster toward her bed. I did the best I could with my tail, trying to learn while I had someone’s support—even if it was Estri. Even if she was bringing me toward a bed she likely intended me to pleasure her upon.

Estri yawned, and I tensed. My opportunity was approaching, and I didn’t know if I could do it. Would she realize what I was doing and ruin the water with my blood? I resisted the urge to reach for my only weapon.

Twisting to see behind me, I glimpsed Mairin grabbing at her neck, as if Estri had taken her voice from her once more. With my heart in my throat, I noticed what I had failed to see before. At the base of her tail, before it split into beautiful fins, Estri had put her in an obsidian collar. Chained to the ground, unable to shift, the merrow would remain trapped. Divine in origin, I realized the magick used by the forestborn and seaborn was gifted to them by their gods. The obsidian seemed like a show of power, when nearly all parts of Estri’s domain were impacted by lava rock of some sort.

Or was it her divinity? Was she the one affecting it? When I reached for my own, I couldn’t find it. Was that something impacted by my change as well? Panicked laughter bubbled up my throat. I couldn’t carry a tune for the life of me, but perhaps I’d have to sing if I were to ever use my divinity again.

“You were too kind to her,” Estri murmured, turning my sore body by the waist. “She is certainly not convinced. You have work to do before I allow you amongst the rest of the seaborn.” As she leaned down to kiss my neck, it took everything in me to remain pliant. The Sea Queen’s words brought our supposed ruse to the forefront of my mind.

After Mairin had spoken, her gaze gentle as it ran over my form, it was clear she wasn’t convinced of my allegiance to Estri.

“Let me prove myself to you,” I whispered, cradling Estri’s cheek with my palm. “Let her see that I belong solely to you.”

The Sea Queen simply stared at me. With her large eyes and wide mouth, she wasn’t delicately pretty by any means, but when the corners of her lips lifted into a half-smile, there was an innocence to it that made me begin to doubt myself.

“You would pleasure me in front of your former lover?” she asked, tilting her head. “I had no intentions of harming her yet. You are new to this body and full of strange emotions I cannot comprehend. I planned to give you time to acclimate.”

I nodded, torn after her mild kindness, but resolute nonetheless. “I want to. For what you have given me.”

Slowly, she floated backward toward the lotus bed. Letting herself sink lower, she sat atop the blossoms. Fascinated, I watched as Estri’s tail shrank and split, giving her legs once more. She lifted her hand to me and pulled me closer, spreading her legs to either side of me as she did.

“Take off your gown,” she ordered, and my heart raced. I was certain she heard it, but I hoped she would only think it was anticipation. Rhia’s comb felt hot against my skin, and my forehead grew feverish. If I was on land, I was sure I’d be sweating. I had to pray to whichever god might listen that she only thought me nervous, feeling unequipped to bring a goddess to her pleasure.

But I intended to bring her to her knees.

Reaching for the dress, the fabric having ripped in so many places during my time here that it was more a suggestion than anything, I was afraid she would see what I kept hidden beneath. I wobbled, struggling to maintain my position. In just a few moments, it had grown much easier to wield my strange new body, but Estri settled her hands on my hips to keep me in place. She leaned forward, ripping at my dress as she licked my abdomen. My hands shook, and I set them on her shoulders, willing strength into my limbs.

For a brief moment, I wondered if I should have waited. If I allowed her to grow more comfortable around me, would I have a higher chance of success?

Or would I only grow complacent, as I often had in my life, and decide to make the best of my arrangements?

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