Page 154 of Between Fear and Favor

“I-I suppose it allowed you to learn your heart without?—”

“Is that not what I’ve done?” I straightened my posture, faking the poise I knew I lacked. “Without any knowledge of whatever nonsense she said to you, whatever prophecy she might have woven, I listened to my heart. I learned it as I fell for you.”

“But that could be because of my own interference. Because I want you, I could have influenced things with the knowledge that I would be important to you. If it is all prophesied, how is it real?”

“Gods damn the prophecies!” I shouted, surprising myself even at the vehemence of my words and the vulgar language which soared from my tongue. He startled, body slamming backward, as I stood. Whirling to face him, I breathed deeply before I spoke.

“I know it is real in my heart. Everything I feel for you has been planted there—like a weed or a rose, I’m not sure. But it was me who tended it, who watered it, even despite my best interests. Just admit you are afraid—of love or pain. I’m not sure which one frightens you more,” I snapped. “Loveispain, Dewalt. Love is pain and joy and sorrow and laughter. Love is trust and fear, and it iseverything. It is all of the things you have been too afraid to feel all these years, and you wouldn’t know it if it slapped you in the face,” I said. “Which, truthfully, I am quite inclined to do.”

He only stared, brows tight and lips pursed.

“You loved someone, and it ruined you. And you never stopped letting it ruin you. She’s almost been gone longer than she ever lived. But you died too. Youletyourself die.”

And then I spun on my heel, striding toward the door. I couldn’t stop the tears as they formed, but I refused to let him see them. I’d learned what love was in spite of never properly receiving it. I’d learned its cost, and had decided it was worth it. I didn’t allow myself to cry as I thought about how the only person to make me feel that kind of immeasurable love had no idea he was capable of conquering its depths.

Chapter 69

LAVENIA

Before I opened my eyes,I knew everything had changed. For better or worse, I was far different than before killing Estri. I could feel everything. The current, the weight of my body, the presence of everyone near me. Mairin’s body was instantly recognizable even in my semi-conscious state. The curves of her, the curls of her hair, every divot and dimple, took up a finite amount of space in my vicinity. Even without vision, I could see her in my mind. Wavy, like being able to see the sun’s heat above scorching cobblestone. Foxglove darted around her tail, moving fast and furious like a hummingbird. I could feel her heartbeat in my throat, thrumming and frantic.

It was too much, far too fast. The sway of the seaweed outside Estri’s chambers tickled my senses. The bubbles escaping from Old Telemern’s mouth—far, far, away—echoed in my ears.

“What’s happening to me?” I asked, words slurring. But I knew. Horrifying suspicion tore up my chest, and I began to thrash.

“I don’t know,” Mairin said. “I think...I think you’re?—”

“No. Don’t,” I said. Finally, I opened my eyes, and I couldn’t speak. No longer had my vision devolved into shades of grey, but instead, I found colors I’d never seen before. And I could see heat. Where Mairin’s heart pumped through her chest, I found a vibrant light, pulsating with each movement. The tip of her tail was dull, cold in comparison. And there was a glow to her, like shining silver which outlined her form.

Foxglove was almost entirely made of that vibrant light, with a bright pink halo around her. I reached a fingertip toward the seahorse and instantly regretted the motion. Rolling onto my side, I nearly vomited from my new senses. And that was when the noise began. How I’d managed to ignore it until now, I didn’t know, but everything was so loud. Groaning and squawking and voices and cries plagued me.

“Oh, gods,” I pleaded, “make it stop.”

The sounds only grew louder, and my voice echoed in a loop within my own mind. Mairin caressed my forehead and situated her body beneath mine, pulling my head into her lap. If my body could have caught fire, I thought it might have. Everything was too much. Too loud, too suffocating, too thorough.

Praise the gods, she has freed me. I can shift.

I didn’t recognize the voices overlapping in my mind. Some were quiet, and some were loud. But they were all desperate.

“I can’t stop it, love,” Mairin whispered. “It’s her magick. I think it’s...I think you…”

Her divinity—not magick, as everyone had believed.

“It burns,” I cried, unable to move, unable to think. If I stopped breathing, it would have been a gift.

“You can stop it. You can master it.” Mairin continued caressing me, leaning down over me. Her curls were cold, their new color dull to my eyes, but it was that dark red once more. It was familiar. I could see her as I had before. Without color, without my proper sight, I’d been heartbroken to look at her. Now, though, with more color than I could understand, she was the most beautiful person I’d ever laid my eyes upon. But she had betrayed me, and I didn’t think I could ever forgive her for it.

Not that it mattered, because I was going to die here, I was sure of it.

“Kill me,” I begged Mairin. “Please. There is no point if this is all there is.”

“You’re too strong to plead for mercy. You are the one who created this. Undo it,” Mairin snapped. “You’re the only one with the power...You are... You’re a…” Mairin hesitated, and my eyes sought out her trembling lips. I knew. Sour in my stomach and heavy on my heart, the knowledge of what she’d been about to say nearly drowned me.

“Did you know?” I gasped, lifting my hands to my ears. I had to drown out all the noise or my head was going to explode. “Did you know what she was?”

“No. I should have known, but I...No. I didn’t.”

Screwing my eyes tightly shut, I still couldn’t escape the mass influx of information. I didn’t want to see the outline of Mairin’s shape. I didn’t want to sense Foxglove swimming toward my cheek. I didn’t want to know her intentions before the comfort of her tiny body pressed against my face.

---