Page 155 of Between Fear and Favor

“I don’t think I can endure this,” I said. Whatever was happening to me wasn’t survivable. My body didn’t have the capacity to contain all of the divine power which flowed out of Estri’s body. Certainly, I would die before long. If there was any justice in the world, I wouldn’t be made to suffer with this all-encompassing pressure.

Please, gods, don’t let her die.

My chest went tight when I heard Foxglove’s pleas. Her voice, so quiet in my mind, yet full of sorrow, pulled on something deep within my chest. Her prayers were private, and I shouldn’t have been able to hear them. It wasn’t right. None of this was right.

I can’t live without her. Please.

Mairin offering her silent entreaty to the gods was more than enough to wreck any sanity I might have had within me. Quiet desperation clawed at her words, and I knew when she began to cry. Against my will, I couldseethe warm drops separate from her body and cool within the water.

“I don’t want this,” I said, and I didn’t know who I was talking to. I hadn’t wanted a crown, let alone this. Whatever I’d done to be a recipient of such punishment, I wished to repent for. Would there be any undoing of what I’d wrought in killing Estri?

“You are the only one who can force it to do your bidding,” Mairin said, voice wavering despite her attempt at calm indifference. “It’s your power now, Ven.” Though soft, her words cut like a knife.

But she was right. Itwasmy power. With a desperate heart and god-touched artifacts, I had killed the Sea Queen.

As I reached for it, diving deep as I once had to use my own divinity, I found the source of my gifts deep inside my mind. Burning black and hot, the ball of light was nearly blinding—but I reached for it nonetheless. As I began to mold it to my will, shutting out the commotion and the noise, the pressure and the burden, I grew hopeful.

I had never wanted to rule. Rainier’s crown was far too burdensome, and the throne’s bloody history had seemed insurmountable. But he had never feared his role. He’d been confident in his own character, his own ability to foster change, and hadn’t balked at the opportunity. It was a duty he welcomed.

The Sea Queen’s power was a responsibility I’d inherited. With it, I could do horrific things. But my tender heart and compassion couldn’t allow that. With Estri’s divinity in my hands, there was untold possibility. Peace could not only be brought to the Three Kingdoms, but alliances with the seaborn and forestborn could be made.

One by one, I pulled the tangled black vines from the orb of power, and each of Estri’s restrictions on the seaborn lifted. As I ran my mind over each branch, each thorn, I could feel the corruption pulsating within. I pried each cruel threat she’d made from the orb of power by my own will.

The seaborn were free because of me. Estri’s divinity ebbed and flowed through my body, mending every wound and smoothing over every imperfection. When it finished, the orb of power shrank and dimmed and nestled into the base of my skull. It almost seemed...relieved.

In the back of my mind, Estri’s divinity created a home. In the back of my mind, her divinity becamemine.

Chapter 70

DEWALT

“Wait, Nor,”I called out, unable to let her walk through the door. “Please.”

“I’vebeenwaiting, Dewalt,” she said, voice soft as her hand hovered over the door handle. “I can’t keep waiting for you.”

It was that finality in her voice, the curve of her shoulders as she gave up, that propelled me out of my seat. Cane forgotten, I had to stop her from leaving, and I nearly fell into her as my foot dragged on the ground.

“You don’t understand, Nor.” Breathless, I planted my hand on the door to keep her from opening it.

I’d gotten what I wanted. I’d told her there wasn’t a future for us, that everything had been plotted and schemed by the gods or Lucia or whoever the fuck else. So why did it feel like I was dying?

She slowly turned, and her red-rimmed eyes gutted me. Her hair brushed over her neck and shoulder, and I desperately wanted to place my lips on the soft skin there, on the smooth skin of her scarring on the other side. I’d never wanted anything more, but I couldn’t. No matter my feelings for her, it wouldn’t be fair. Nor deserved someone who was worthy. Nor deserved someone who would keep her safe, who could give her everything she ever needed and everything she didn’t know she wanted. She deserved better than a coward.

“I do understand, though. I really do.” She reached up, her hand cool as it cupped the side of my face.

I exhaled, harsh. “I’m terrified,” I admitted.

A tilt of her head, a watery smile. “Who isn’t?” she asked, and before I could move, before I could breathe, she moved to her tiptoes and planted the softest kiss to my lips. “Goodbye.”

“How?” I asked, hand still planted on the door so she couldn’t leave. I was aware it wasn’t my best behavior, but I couldn’t bear the thought of her walking through that door one last time. Once she was gone, I knew in my heart I would never be the same. “How do you...even when you’re afraid, how do you...” I couldn’t find the words.

“The alternative is far worse,” she said. The lamplight reflected in her unshed tears, catching every shade of her eyes. Her brows gathered, and her voice came out low. “You wanted to die that day with the shifter, didn’t you?”

Closing my eyes, I dipped my chin in affirmation. I’d been so gods damned tired. And guilty. That moment I’d shared with her in Ven’s chambers, the way Lucia’s portrait had tipped over and reminded me of what I’d lost—I’d never felt more guilty in my fucking life.

“Why?” Her hand was on my bicep, thumb brushing in gentle movements.

“Easier,” I grunted, but she could tell I was lying. Amusement, tainted by a sadness I’d put there, filled her eyes. I decided I owed her my honesty, even if we’d never speak again after she left this room. “Felt guilty.”

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