Page 29 of Between Fear and Favor

“We’ll leave at dawn,” I said as I finally stopped behind her. When she sniffled, I froze. That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. Moving closer, my hand hovered over her shoulder. About to pat her and give her reassurance, I realized the side I chose was where her injured skin caused her pain on occasion. I’d seen her favor it when helping Kimya. Catching myself, I patted her other shoulder. “I hate this as much as you do, Nor,” I said, softening her inevitable blow by striking first. “But I will keep you safe. I swear it.”

“Ungh!” She tore herself away from me and started marching the opposite direction of where she needed to go.

“Wrong way, silly little bird.”

When she turned, her scowl was almost distracting enough to hide the glimmer of wetness at her lashes. “You are so…so…so hateful!”

“Don’t pretend as if you want to travel in the most indirect way to another front of battle. With me, no less.” It annoyed me when the words came out with a hint of insecurity. Gods damn Lucia and the honeyed lies she’d implanted into my mind. I swallowed, feeling no small amount of guilt for damning someone long dead. Crossing my arms, I leaned against the stone wall, watching Nor’s eyes narrow.

She studied me for several long minutes, tilting her head to the side. I thought she was going to make some sassy remark, but it seemed she decided against it when she blurted, “Will there be horses?”

“…Yes?”

“Then I doubt your ability to keep me safe. I have no experience with the animal, and it is likely I will die beneath the great beast before any assassination attempt.”

I stared at her for a moment. Chin tilted, her strong nose was pointed upward, looking as much a courtier as those who cowered deep within the palace. Spouses of council members, bejeweled in their finery, embroidered their fears in a comfortable sitting room while soldiers died to keep them safe. Nor gave a haughty shake of her head, mouth a straight, thin line. And then I laughed. I didn’t allow it to grow loud, the atmosphere and timing not right to truly let go. But still. It eased a weight I didn’t know I was carrying.

“You will not die by horse. I can assure you of that one thing, Nor.”

“Do not laugh at me,” she said. Her scowl deepened the line between her eyes. A single tendril of hair fell into her face, a hint of untidiness which I relished. Her polished bun and crisp demeanor painted her in sharp edges, and I liked my glimpse of softness as the dark brown strand caressed her forehead. She rarely showed that side to me, and I usually had to steal it in moments when she didn’t know I was around. My trance broke when she blew it out of her face. “A horse in a tunnel? We are just as likely to die by some—some stampede. Will they even be able to see?”

“We will have torches,” I said slowly. When she shivered, I didn’t allow my eyes to move to her shoulder. Though her burns were caused by hot oil and a madman, she’d nearly died in Emma’s divine fire a few months ago. I could imagine flames would unsettle her. Against my better judgment, I elbowed her gently and said, “I will keep you safe from those, too.”

“Skies, I hate you,” she said, walking past me down the proper hallway.

“Make sure you hate me from the palace gardens at dawn. Hate me with a packed bag and more warm clothes than you think you’ll need. I expect the weather won’t be pleasant once we surface. Don’t be late with your hatred, Nor.”

She didn’t turn to look back at me, but continued marching down the hallway with her head high and back straight. Since she started helping the dying and injured, I hadn’t seen her with her hair down at all, and it added to her stern countenance. She shivered, and the way she pulled her cloak around her—the fabric nearly threadbare—had no impact on my decisions that night.

The doubt that she had a good set of boots didn’t bring me to the cobbler; I had my own pair to pick up after they’d been re-soled. I certainly didn’t do it for her when I found a refurbished women’s pair he was selling that I thought would fit her.

The less whining from her, the better. I was simply looking out for myself.

And when I stopped by the tailor and paid an exorbitant fee to procure fur-lined cloaks for the two of us, it was only because the tailor had extra fabric and it would be no hassle. It had nothing to gods damn do with her.

Nothing.

Chapter 16

RAINIER

The moment Dewaltleft the room, I gripped Em’s hand as I sat down beside her.

“Don’t fight me, dear heart,” I warned.

“Rain, I just slept for more than a day. I don’t think I could sleep now if I tried. Especially not with all this,” she said, gesturing to the letter detailing Raj’s death. I was devastated by the loss, but I couldn’t let myself be paralyzed by the knowledge. I’d do what Raj expected of me—wait to process the information when I had a moment to breathe. Even now though, I swallowed down my emotions. Raj had been more of a father to me than my own. Sleep wouldn’t come easily to me because of it but I wasn’t worried about me. “Besides, with your success at the Aesiron, we need to meet with Ashmont,” she continued.

Em’s hair was slicked back into a braid, and I ignored the dirt and grime coating her dress. I was probably worse off than her, but she didn’t look like herself. Gaunt and pale, she appeared as if a strong wind could knock her over.

But she was more formidable than anyone I knew. She wouldn’t allow anything to impede her taking care of her kingdom. And to think she hadn’t wanted any of this. When I’d asked her to wed me and she balked at the idea of being queen, I knew it was fear of the unknown more than anything. Her caring nature made her more suitable than anyone for the task. I was glad she’d risen to the responsibility. I wondered if she realized just how capable she was.

“I will handle all of that. Dewalt has his orders, and Ashmont took over his post. Cethina was seen heading north toward the bridge, and I doubt she’ll be back before morning.” Disbelieving blue eyes met mine, so I continued. “These city walls have withstood longer sieges than this, with far more capable foes. They might have surprised us, but the Supreme and Nereza only know what their advisors tell them. They’ve never experienced proper war—not as I have.”

“They were alive during the Great War,” she argued. “They lived through war before.”

“And I’ve bled through it. There is a vast difference. The Supreme has always been exempt from the violence, intervening only to meddle, and Nereza remained neutral.”

Did I believe the words I spoke to her? Or was my confidence an attempt to convince myself? Did my skirmish on Varmeer count toward my experience? I’d earned a vile nickname over it, but could I count it as war?

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