Page 30 of Between Fear and Favor

Did I truly know what I was doing?

When I had returned to find Em, I knew I hadn’t just imagined their advancing troops. The crescent of shadows encompassing the Supreme’s forces had allowed them to move farther than I would have liked. I couldn’t blame Dewalt; he was doing everything he could with the men we had.

I understood why Em wanted to keep moving. A city under siege was in a constant state of in-between. Everyone was on edge, waiting for things to go one way or the other. By cutting off the enemy’s supply line, I hoped to sway the outcome to one we’d survive, but that didn’t change the morale within our walls. It didn’t change the fact that we couldn’t hold space for joy amidst all this fear and fury.

“There are people to heal,” she argued, and though she was right, I couldn’t bring myself to allow her to leave.

“And there are healers to heal them.”

“It seems you will scorn all of the divinity the gods have cursed me with. No matter that it could help us.” She scowled at me. Spine straight, her defiance pulled her body taut.

“We’re not doing this again, Em.” I shook my head. “If it comes to using them, it is the last?—”

“Lux’s fire could decimate their army.”

“And their bolts could kill her before she breathes a spark. You know how it affects you when?—”

“I know,” Em said, slamming her fist on the table. “You can lock me up here, ride her to glory, and I’ll stay here so I’m not injured. Exactly as the prophesied Beloved would do. I’m certain that will work.”

The bond flared angrily as she shot daggers at me with her eyes, heat rippling down the golden thread. I hadn’t experienced it breaking before, being locked away in Declan’s obsidian cell, but had it felt like this for her? Or had it simply faded into nothing? I wasn’t sure which was worse.

“There is no winning this war without you,” I said. Her fist clenched, and I rested my hand on top of it. There would be no success if we were divided, and I needed her to understand my feelings on the matter. “Glory is the least of my concerns, Em.”

“Well, I’m concerned that the gods would choose me as the Beloved, that Rhia would allow her seers to have visions of great things I would do, and yet, here I am, safely hiding within the city. If I am to defeat the Accursed?—”

“You think the Supreme is the Accursed?” I demanded, leaning back and crossing my arms. “He’s been blessed by Aonara. Did any other gods find him worthy in my absence?”

“Who else could it be? He obviously wants the god’s favor.” She sat back in her chair, mirroring my posture. Despite our heated conversation, one of the golden strands moved between us, stretching like a cat in the sun. Just talking to her was helping.

The entire bond was imperfect enough that I was able to ignore the specific call of the Body, but I knew the faster our connection recovered, the harder it would be to ignore.

“I think until we know for sure who it is, it’s dangerous to risk you and the dragons.”

She frowned at me, but a retort never came.

“Have we learned who created the shadow barricade?” I asked, knowing she’d been debriefed multiple times daily. I didn’t have any intentions of letting her bring those dragons into the fray, so I wanted to change the subject. She’d nearly died when Hyše was killed. I wouldn’t chance that again.

Em shook her head, huffing in something more sinister than amusement; I could feel its echo down the bond. “Nereza, herself.”

“Nereza? I didn’t know she was blessed by Ciarden.”

“Neither did I.” She laughed, relaxing in her seat. “It seems anyone can be the Accursed if they try hard enough. She has Hanwen’s blessing too, doesn’t she?”

“Yes. But I don’t think Nereza has the moral deficiency required to rape her way into Rhia’s favor.”

She flinched, and I regretted my phrasing. Too harsh, my disdain for the villainous Declan made my words sharp.

“Perhaps Cyran and Reminy are progressing with the prophecy. We could really use a god’s favor right now,” she said, referring to what Cyran had translated weeks ago. If there was a way to summon a god, to use them to win this war, we would do it without hesitation.

“Nothing new, as of yet,” I said, wishing I hadn’t felt the guilt and grief coming through our damaged bond. When I’d seen the letter from our daughter, written only to me, I knew how much it had hurt her. I was disappointed and sad, but I understood both of their feelings on the matter. I didn’t know what to do, and I hated it.

Her shoulders slouched, and I wanted to hold her in my arms. But knowing Em, it would allow her to cry, and then she’d be angry at herself and at me for letting her give in to that weakness.

“I suppose you’re right. Until the Accursed truly reveals themselves, I should avoid putting myself in danger.” She pursed her lips after her admission. Gnawing at her lip, I knew she had more on her mind.

I couldn’t fix the wound between her and Elora, not now anyway, so I did my best to distract her instead.

“I am often right,” I jested, and Em smiled at me. Tremulous, as if it required a great effort, but a smile nonetheless.

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