Page 46 of Between Fear and Favor

“I know.”

And despite myself, I stepped forward and knelt on the bottom porch step. When I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around Cy’s waist, he didn’t hesitate to return the embrace. As my breathing slowed, tears fell from my eyes unbidden. Was this what I needed? To quell the hot anger boiling my blood, perhaps I needed Cyran’s crisp calm. Relaxing into his grasp, I let him soothe me. Desperately, I wondered if I could rely on him once more.

Chapter 23

DEWALT

“Are you angry about last night?”Dickey whispered beside me. I snapped my head to look at him, rubbing my hand over my stubble in irritation.

“Quit whispering,” I said. Nor and Fletcher rode directly behind us, and the boy was speaking far too freely. The thought of Nor hearing him was horrifying, and I wanted to strangle him. Instead, I used my recently returned divinity to send him an impulse. Without the press of obsidian in the tunnel, I could access my divinity to its full potential. He yelped, and I stifled a grin.

“I was just teasing,” he said, rubbing his elbow. “I don’t think Tur?—”

“Do you remember when you stained your breeches a few summers ago? When Rainier made you climb the?—”

“Sir!” Dickey shouted, and I took a bit of joy in seeing his ears turn a vivid red. “Stop it,” he grumbled, looking over his shoulder. A quiet chuckle fell from Nor’s lips behind me. I could envision her open smile, the tips of her incisors slightly elongated because of her elvish blood. And if I let myself think about that too long, I began to wonder about those teeth biting into my flesh. Gods, I wanted to turn and look at her, but I couldn’t allow it. Nothing good could possibly come from me looking at her.

“I’m sure you have many an embarrassing story yourself, pigeon,” I said, addressing Nor to give Dickey a break. Thankfully, Nor deliberately ignored me—irritated over my bird-related nicknames the past week—and started chatting with Fletcher instead. Thankfully, Dickey was abashed enough to be quiet.

I didn’t want to relive the jest which had set my teeth grinding the night before. I didn’t want to think about how Nor had shivered and complained about the cold as she sank into her bedroll, rolling herself tightly within it to keep warm. I didn’t want to think about her dark brows, closed eyes, and the tip of her pinkened nose peeking out over the top of it. I certainly didn’t want to think about how Dickey had suggested that Turman heat her up with his body, or about how her hazel eyes had flown open when he’d said it. And yet what came next had consumed my thoughts ever since. I’d agonized over how her wide-eyed gaze had sought me out immediately. How my mouth had parted involuntarily as I watched her, all while my fists clenched over the idea of what Dickey had said. And when I’d shouted at the soldiers to shut the fuck up and go to sleep, not breaking eye contact with her, I’d wished for something I didn’t need. Or couldn’t have. I wasn’t sure of the distinction at present.

Lu could go fuck herself.

I wasn’t some naive child anymore, and I needed to put this fixation behind me. Besides, Nor barely spoke to me, and how could I blame her? I’d treated her like shit. I wanted to apologize to her. I’d blamed Lucia, blamed my near-death, blamed the shifter who wore her face, but my behavior towards the woman had been unacceptable. The moment I woke up with my head in Nor’s lap and her song in my ears, I’d pushed her away from me. Lucia couldn’t be right, if it was the last thing I did. She’d taken my decisions out of my hands when we were young by choosing to sacrifice herself. For me, for her sister, for Vesta—it didn’t matter. She’d left us, and it was her decision. So I wasn’t going to let her take this one. She wasn’t going to dictate my gods damn future ever again.

Based on how many days we had ridden, the mountains were nearby. Though they’d traveled through the tunnel, Shivani had siphoned Rainier’s divinity before leaving with the children. She’d rifted them to Crown Cottage the moment they cleared the obsidian walls. We didn’t know what we’d face; there was a chance no one had reached the end of the tunnel in centuries. Built to resemble a cave within the foothills of the Alsors, there would be no door, allowing the elements to slip in. It dawned on me that we might have to dig our way out of earth and snow, depending on how long ago it had been checked and how vicious the storm was. I’d heard it rage above us each night, recognizing the sound of the roaring wind with nothing to impede it as it came down from the mountains. Late winter had always been notoriously bad when I’d lived this far east. Though faint, the crisp scent of woods and the cold was welcome as it beckoned us forward. We’d escaped the rancid smells of a city under siege, but the mustiness within the tunnel had grown old. Now though, the promise of fresh air brightened everyone’s spirits.

When I heard the howl of a wolf and the tunnel drew brighter, I called for Eradia and Runin, my scouts. Dismounting, we strode forward, weapons drawn. Abruptly, the tunnel turned right, and the stone transitioned to smooth rock. The temperature had been dropping as we traveled, but it had gone frigid. The tunnel’s height shifted as we ascended, the ground sloping upward toward the surface.

“Quit dicking around,” I scolded, when the whispers behind me grew louder. It was clear as day that Runin was interested in Eradia, and I suspected they might already have given in to it. Normally, shit like that irritated me, and I made them knock it off. But now, perhaps I was feeling magnanimous, because despite my scolding, I smiled. They calmed themselves, and we made our way up the incline, slipping on fine snow powder beneath our feet. Finally, I caught a glimpse of the night sky. Clear, with hundreds of twinkling stars, it was too tempting. The wind had quietened enough to indicate a break in the weather, and the promise of a mining town nearby made me far too eager. The idea of my own room, bed, and a bath was tantalizing.

“Southeast,” I directed, and the two of them moved. Usually, Runin would scout ahead while Eradia made sure there were no threats from other directions. They were a good team, even if I suspected they took extra time to themselves after they determined our routes were safe.

Within minutes, I rejoined the rest of my soldiers, waiting for the signal. Nor and Dickey waited on their mounts, just as I’d left them, and if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought she was relieved by my return.

“Only a few more hours, and you’ll have a soft, warm bed, pigeon,” I said, intending to rile her and imply she was fussy, but then I remembered her sleeping arrangements before she was sent to Folterra. She’d slept on a cot in a closet in order to ensure her mother’s comfort. Nor wasn’t anything close to fussy, and it felt disrespectful to imply as such. Being around her was making it harder to stay the fuck away.

Her face screwed up in agitation, but when she opened her mouth to speak, a shrill scream echoed down the tunnel. For a moment, I thought it came from her. Metal crashed, and Eradia screamed again, before the noise cut off with a burbling sound. I stared up at Nor, watching her eyes bulge. Nearly everything moved slower than it should have, as if I was swimming through a thick fog.

I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. Unable to take my eyes off Nor, my body moved on its own toward her, even as my soldiers streamed past me.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, and my panic overtook me. It constricted my chest as I gasped for air.

Not now. Not. Now.

I pleaded with myself to breathe, begged for my mind to make the ringing in my ears stop, prayed for the image of Nor bleeding out to dissipate.

It wasn’t until I had nearly died at the shifter’s hands that I began to fear death. And since then, I’d been fighting against myself to perform my duties without being paralyzed by it. The first time I’d lost my ability to function was when Rainier sent me as a messenger to speak with Nereza and the Supreme. I’d mostly been able to quash it since then—until now.

Nor’s horse stamped, the creature restless as it sensed danger, and my worst fears swam in my mind like I’d woven my own vision. When I finally shook off the image of an injured Nor, I hesitated. Torn between staying by her side and rushing to lead, I was rooted to the spot. My soldiers hadn’t waited for my orders, only considering their endangered friends. I didn’t know if I would have been able to give them anyway, had they waited.

The fact I trusted myself to do this, trusted my soldiers to keep our gods damned path a secret? It only proved I wasn’t ready to be Rainier’s fucking general. Anyone could have said the wrong thing to the wrong person the night before we left. It was possible I had selected a traitor to be part of this excursion, but I couldn’t think about that yet. I should have stopped us for the night within the tunnel, rested, and had my soldiers scout at dawn. The way I’d gone about it was short-sighted. I was so relieved we didn’t have to dig ourselves out that I hadn’t been thinking straight.

“Dewalt?” Nor said, and I could tell it wasn’t the first time. Dickey’s horse startled, darting forward, and Nor held her own reins in a white-knuckled grip. I shook my head, finally able to focus. She was in trouble, weallwere in trouble, and I needed to protect her the best I could. Calling for Turman, the last soldier left in the tunnel, I gestured for him to come back as I dismounted.

“Don’t let her get past you,” I murmured before drawing my weapon once more and following the sounds of carnage. Despite Dickey’s joke, Turman was one of my strongest men. He’d protect her with his life. I glanced over my shoulder when her mare made a high-pitched squealing sound as she clambered down. The animal was restless, nickering and huffing like the rest of the horses left behind. I wondered for a moment if perhaps Nor had been prophetic when she’d mentioned a stampede. They could smell the fresh air, but the clash of metal had scared them, so they rustled against each other in the dark. The torch Dickey had been holding was smoldering on the ground, about to go out, and I nudged it out of the way as she stomped toward me.

“Give me a weapon,” she said, bending down to tighten her bootlaces.

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