Page 79 of Between Fear and Favor

His eyes widened a fraction. “And I am to remind you of all you stand to gain if you join her.”

Unspoken, there was a threat in his words. If I didn’t join her, what did I stand to lose?

I let myself sink to the ground beside the window as he left, and I became lost in thought. A white fish no bigger than my thumbnail darted out of the coral wall. It twirled itself around my outstretched finger before swimming up the length of my arm and tickling my skin. I still couldn’t tell the difference between seaborn creatures and other inhabitants of the sea, but I hoped this one wasn’t a lecher, come to harass me under the guise of innocence. As the sounds outside my window quietened, I tried to conjure a more substantive plan.

What I’d come up with hadn’t been any good, and when I realized what had happened to Foxglove, my already limited faith lessened. I couldn’t stop thinking of the tiny shifter. By refusing the Seaborn Queen, could I somehow have brought her to further harm? I couldn’t stand the thought of it. As it was, by trying to comfort me, she’d had her mouth sewn shut. What would happen if I escaped? The selkie and merrow guards surely would be punished, though I couldn’t bring myself to care about them. But the sweet seahorse shifter did not deserve anything bad to happen to her because of me.

There was a message in her punishment. To warn me to not ask questions by bringing the poor thing pain. Otherwise, Estri could have just taken her voice like she’d done to Mairin. Sewing her mouth shut was a visible violence I couldn’t ignore. The Seaborn Queen had already mentioned my tender heart once before; she knew I wouldn’t tolerate an innocent’s pain on my behalf.

But what I couldn’t understand was what she was hiding. She was clearly powerful; her magick was near limitless. And if she could turn someone into a seaborn? I wasn’t sure what she couldn’t do. Her power was god-like, if true, but why would she need to keep it secret? It wasn’t as if people would come in droves to be turned into seaborn, and if they did, her power could obliterate them. Why the secrecy?

My curiosity plagued me, but not enough to risk my life.

Yet, my plan to find Mairin was all I had. As much as I detested the idea, I’d been good to her. She surely felt guilt over the events which had occurred, and I was beyond caring about using it against her. The bitch of a merrow had been eager to help me escape when I’d woken up in that cave—now it was time to see if she truly wanted to assist me.

With Mairin’s help, I could plot my escape. With or without my divinity, I could do nothing against Estri’s magick. I needed to be gone at the end of the moon cycle. The moment I could freely leave without her taking it out on my brother, I would do it. I refused to let myself die here.

A small part of me wondered if she’d go back on her bargain if I didn’t do as she asked or left without her permission. She was capricious, and I couldn’t anticipate her reaction. But, for all I cared about Astana and my people, I couldn’t bring myself to comply. At first, I’d considered it. But as I’d seen what Estri was capable of, what shewas, I feared I wouldn’t survive whatever she wanted from me. I’d been a fool to think she was reasonable—after finding her daughters in a prison, likely stuck there for centuries, and knowing she could do something so cruel to Foxglove? Her malevolence had been made clear to me.

I felt like a coward.

It was selfish of me to plot my escape when it could endanger those I sought to keep safe in Astana; I couldn’t pretend the idea didn’t make my stomach churn with guilt. But I had never put myself before others in the past. Couldn’t I justify it in a life or death situation?

There was a solution, though, that I’d considered in fleeting moments of unearned confidence. If the Seaborn Queen were dead, things would be far simpler. I’d already been responsible for the death of a monarch in the past year; perhaps I could aid Mairin. I’d thought we’d had far more in common than we actually did, but I wouldn’t mind adding the murder of a parent to the list.

There would be no fear of retribution or withdrawal of her armies from Rainier’s forces if the Sea Queen was dead. The seaborn who seemed stuck, like Foxglove, could be free without consequences. Mairin had betrayed me, but I had to believe she wouldn’t be so stingy with pendants—not after she’d lost her own. As much as I despised the merrow for her selfishness, she’d make a decent ruler. The version of her I’d grown to care for wouldn’t be as monstrous as her mother.

And wasn’t that what many women strived for, in the end? To be better than their mothers? I knew I wanted to be better than Shivani. The version of Mairin I had come to know, the one I cared about, had tried to kill her mother. Was it for power or to rid the seaborn of their mercurial leader?

Suddenly, I remembered a conversation Mairin and I had when we were safe on our ship—before pirates and evil queens, before betrayals and my broken heart. She had spoken of a seaborn prophecy. She’d said that uniting the Three Kingdoms was only the start; the forestborn and seaborn would be united too. And for a brief moment, I let myself think of the hopeful little smile she’d worn when she’d spoken of it. Not everything said between us could have been a falsehood, I hoped. I didn’t think Mairin could have faked that desire for peace.

Perhaps killing the Seaborn Queen and putting someone like Mairin on her throne wasn’t the worst idea I’d ever had.

I waited for night—orwhat served as night at the bottom of the sea. My body had lost its rhythm, and we were far too deep for the light of the sun to reach us. I relied on my hearing instead. When it grew quiet enough outside my window, I would leave. The moonpearls which lit Estri’s kingdom never dimmed, but eventually, there would be less movement in the alley between my spire and the next.

It would never be truly empty, I knew. Without the sun to tell them when to start and end each day, it seemed that the seaborn came and went according to their whims. I just had to hope I wouldn’t see anyone who would stop me.

Or harm me.

I’d already figured out which direction to go, but I was taking a significant risk in trying to find Mairin. I only knew which way she’d headed out of the ballroom the week before, and that she was staying in her old chambers. I’d been eavesdropping on the merrows who traveled outside my window, and knew the royal tower was near the one which held the queen’s prisoners. My knowledge was limited, but I was sick of waiting.

Finally, when the sounds outside had quietened, and I’d waited nearly another hour after that, I knew I’d have to go or I never would.

Slipping my body over the edge of my window, I clung to the rock wall as I made my way down. Initially, I’d thought to swim straight across to the tallest spire where Estri’s prison was, but I’d watched enough predatory animals swim from the ocean’s floor at dreadful speeds to set upon schools of fish unawares. So, I’d have to make my way between the spires, staying low to the ground.

It was easy to drift down the rock wall, using my hands to pull me lower. I’d tied my dress around my legs so it wouldn’t float into my face, and I’d tied Rhia’s comb into one of the many wisps of fabric. There was no chance I’d leave behind my only potential weapon.

Finally, hidden amongst seaweed and between shorter rock formations, I pulled myself along the side of my tower. I avoided touching the barnacles growing on the rock, worried that a shifter might poke its head out of one and take me to Estri for punishment.

It was slow-going, dragging myself along as I kicked my feet to take some of the burden off my arms, but I grew tired quickly. Swimming required muscles I didn’t even know I had, let alone ones I’d used regularly. When I finally reached the space between spires, I hadn’t realized it was so close to a trench. I’d have to swim across the gap and hope there was nothing that would attack me from the dark beneath.

Gods, sometimes I wanted to laugh at my predicament. A year ago, I wouldn’t have guessed I’d be breathing underwater, using my awkward human body to get around a place designed for far more powerful beasts. Letting myself think of how I’d tell the tale to my brother helped calm my nerves, and with a deep breath I didn’t need to take, I pushed off the wall and glided over the trench. When I reached the next rock spire unscathed, I nearly cried in relief.

It wasn’t until probably a quarter hour later when I saw my first guard. I hadn’t expected it. He had short hair—unusual for a merrow—and wore a silver breastplate over his narrow chest. The trident in his hand had three deadly points, and it made me reach for Rhia’s comb. Untangling it from my dress, I clutched it tightly, carefully maintaining my hiding spot. Kneeling on an enormous rounded rock between a tall patch of seaweed and the twisting tower I’d dragged myself along, I was safe. The guard was positioned near where I needed to go, but angled away. As long as I made it across the gap, staying out of his field of vision, he wouldn’t see me. He floated in front of a window, turning regularly to assess his surroundings.

I waited, hoping he’d turn away just enough to make my life easier.

Desperate and about to give up, I thought of swimming upward until I no longer felt that cold, clenched fist around my divinity. If I could somehow compel a fish to go harass him, I’d have enough time to get across the alley which separated me from my path. Just as I was about to, the guard spoke to someone I couldn’t see.

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