Page 82 of Between Fear and Favor

Ethereal and divine, I knew with certainty I would never see someone more beautiful than her.

“DOWN!” Dickey yelled, just as an arrow flew past Nor. I didn’t breathe, frozen until I saw her throw herself flat against the horse’s back. When I turned to see our attackers, I found nearly half the miners from the gods damned town emerging from the trees, riding the fucking horses we traded. We were outnumbered nearly three to one. Despite that, the miners were untested, and I had three well-trained soldiers at my side. There was a reason they waited for us to lose cover before attacking. I ripped my glove off, scrambling for one of my knives, as I dug my heels into my stallion. Positioning myself between the attackers and Nor, I made her my priority. Without cover, she’d easily come to harm.

“Go west—toward sunset. Don’t stop until the apple orchard. Ask for Saski,” I ordered, speaking over my shoulder before I launched one of my knives at the miner who’d fallen on our door frame the night before.

“Dewalt!”

“I’ll be right behind you—now go!” I couldn’t look at her as she left, and I was grateful she listened to me this time. A moment later, Nor’s horse squealed as an arrow lodged into her rump, and the animal took off. “Fuck,” I swore, terrified she wouldn’t be able to hold on to the injured beast. In a frenzy, I began weaving visions, expending more divinity than I had in a long time.

Chapter 40

EMMELINE

Summoningdivine fire beneath my bath water, I nearly brought it to a boil. I hoped the heat could sear the frustration and grief from my body.

And the resentment.

It wasn’t fair to blame Rain for all of it, and yet my mind swirled over every scenario in which he’d denied me involving the dragons. And I couldn’t stop thinking about how he’d kept such a secret from me.

But he hadn’t been wrong, had he?

Involving the dragons put me at risk. Involving the dragons killed that sweet creature who had brought me so many smiles during the darkest of times. I couldn’t let myself think of it or I’d begin to weep again. Ryo had been innocent and pure, made from a memory I now mourned. Though Rain had spoken to me of the past as we rested with Ryo’s body, I had no recollection of it. My only solace was that Ryo hadn’t suffered for long.

Though doing as the Supreme had bid might have saved Rainier and many of his soldiers, did I jeopardize everything else by giving away my blood? Just as Rain had feared?

Could I have acted differently?

I had never been able to see the bigger picture. With every choice I’d made over the years, instinct had been a deciding factor. Emotion guided impulse, and how many times had my sentiments overwhelmed me in the past, and made me act when I should have waited? What was it this time? Either I had waited too long, and so many people died because of it. Or I didn’t wait long enough, and I gave the Supreme what he wanted when I shouldn’t have, eventually bringing about excessive death as well.

I wished there was a god in control of timing, and that I had their divinity instead. The rest of the gods could have their blessings back—save for Rhia. Elora was the only gift I’d desperately fight to keep.

Tilting my head back, I finally wetted my hair, smothering the wafting scent of smoke. After tending to Irses’ grief, I’d needed to ensure my divine flames wouldn’t spread past the Wend. Rain had left to barricade the toppled city walls and to handle the wards. I hadn’t seen him since.

Was that a blessing or a curse?

I didn’t know how I’d react when I saw him again.

I wasn’t sure which part of me was louder in my mind. Would I react with frustration over his unwillingness to listen to me? I could have used the dragons weeks ago to this same end. Or would I experience such profound relief, to see him healthy and whole, that none of the rest would matter?

I sank beneath the water and closed my eyes.

Why couldn’t any of this be easy? It was horrifically unfair that I had to make decisions for the well-being of the Three Kingdoms. I’d been living for Lucia and Elora my entire life, but to have this thrust upon me as well was too much. The only time I’d ever lived for myself was when I chose Rain, and I’d never felt more selfish for it. Because while I’d been rekindling things with him, my daughter had been in danger. Marrying him had brought war to Vesta. Choosing the man I loved had endangered him.

Gods, how much easier would it be to just stay beneath the water and never resurface?

The image of Rain’s limp and battered body, when Nereza’s shadows had retrieved him from the pit, wouldn’t haunt me if I never took another breath. If I hadn’t felt him on the other side of that bond, I would have thought him dead. I could stay beneath, and forget everything. Theo would become a distant memory instead of a constant ache in my heart. The novices I’d killed in Folterra wouldn’t be a dull phantom in the back of my mind. The horrors of witnessing Elora’s death, the anger and pity and confusing fondness I held for the boy whose blade had committed the atrocity—all of it could be taken from me.

It wasn’t an option, though. I had a ruinous responsibility to uphold, and I couldn’t leave Rain or Elora without knowing I’d accomplished that task. It wouldn’t be fair to them, even if their ties to me meant they’d be in danger the rest of their lives. After what Cethina had said, I’d already sent word to Thyra to take Elora across the sea. It wasn’t safe in Vesta.

Which left Rain here, with me. If our enemies attempted to use him against me again, I was certain they’d kill him. And if that happened, there was one thing I was certain of. They would win this war.

The Three Kingdoms could burn.

A hand landed on each of my shoulders, pulling me forward out of the water.

“Em, what happened? Are you all right?”

Water dripped from my lashes, and I gasped for breath. “What?”

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