Page 62 of Thorns from the Fall

“You can sleep in my bed—at Margot’s place,” Hale says as he’s putting me in the elevator. Nico is silent in the corner, but if looks could kill, I’d finally find some relief. I don’t even have the energy to question Hale about what the hell he’s doing living in Roman’s best friend’s apartment.

“No,” I say. “I want my dog.”

“He’ll be okay for a night. I’ll go let him out once I get you?—”

“I said no. I want Zuul. I want my dog.”

Because he’s the one creature I haven’t let down in all this time. He’s been my truest companion. With dogs, there is no duty or familial obligation. Only love. Zuul is the purest thing I have in my life, and I want to make the most of my days left with him.

Because one day soon, I’ll be gone, and he’ll go to someone who has a big backyard and takes him on walks every day. He might be a German shepherd, known for cold intelligence, but he’s a soft boy who has had a soft life.

I want him to have a softer life after all of this. No shitting in rooftop flowerbeds. No owner constantly under threat by their mind or their enemies. Just peace. He deserves that.

When Hale punches the number to Margot’s floor, I lose my shit.

“I swear to god, Hale. I just want my fucking dog.”

I press the button to the mezzanine level so I can swap to the private elevator in Bjorn’s office. My irritation has somehow managed to snap me out of that desolate haze, but I don’t know how long it will last.

When I get out, Hale follows but Nico stays inside the elevator. It’s weird to have this kind of unimpeded freedom within the compound. It’s relatively quiet, and I bet everyone is out celebrating the holiday. We don’t pass a single soul as we head to Bjorn’s office.

And we don’t speak either.

Not until the elevator doors shut and I’ve punched in the code and we’re moving.

“People are so smelly,” Hale says. “Did you struggle with that at first too? I mean, I assumed everyone showers like once a day, maybe once every other day, but now with my new sniffing powers, I’m pretty sure no one bathes nearly enough. Or maybe everyone just smells bad all the time.”

I laugh for his sake, knowing what this is. It’s proof of life, in a way. If I can laugh, then I’m not completely dead inside, right?

“I think it’s both. I think everyone just gets dirty fast but also people don’t know how to wash themselves. I mean, hello, some people don’t even use a washcloth in the shower.”

“Gross,” Hale says, but he steps closer, tucking my arm into his. I look at him in the reflection of the metal elevator doors, and I search for differences with his Ascended body.

His skin is clearer, and his hair looks a bit more luxurious than I remember, but he mostly looks the same way he does on a night when he’s really feeling himself. I wonder if it’s because of the witch’s blood. He’s just as much a descendant of Ansi’s creations as I am.

I lay my head on his shoulder a moment before the elevator shudders to a halt. “Thanks, Hale,” I say, and when the doors open, I remove my arm from his grasp. “I want to be alone.”

“I want to drop everything I’m doing and go to Belize, but here we are,” he says, following me through the door and into the foyer of Bjorn’s penthouse. “I’m staying for a little while,” he says.

“No.” I shake my head. “I need to be alone. I just did something horrible, and I need to sit with that.”

“You didn’t do it on purpose,” he says, and I shrug. As if that matters. “Listen, I’m here now, and I’m not leaving you. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. It’s just been…a lot to process,” he says. “I feel like I’m wearing someone else’s body. Like all myclothes shrank in the wash and nothing fits quite right anymore. And without my magic… I don’t know, it's like I’ve lost a sense. Like I can’t hear anymore. Or I can’t taste my favorite foods. I don’t know how to explain it. I needed some time, but I’m here now,” he says, bending over to put his forehead against mine.

I close my eyes and appreciate my friend who has been there for so long, through so much. I’ve missed him, and I’m glad he’s here, but I don’t want him to stay. He’s got his own shit going on. The last thing he needs is to make my problems his own.

Because he can’t fix this. He can’t bring Adam back to life. He can’t go back in time and make me less reckless.

Would that he could, but there’s no hope in this.

“I understand,” I say. “Really. You don’t have to explain yourself.”

He sighs before straightening. “Which movie are we watching? Princess Bride? Are we at Princess Bride level?” he asks, giving me a knowing look. A blond curl caresses his forehead, and I tuck it behind his ear. When I don’t answer, he gasps. “Oh my god, are we at Steel Magnolias level?”

“I just want to sleep,” I say. “Really,” I stress when he gives me a dubious look. “I’m tired, and Zuul is enough to keep me company.”

Zuul is enough to keep me from killing myself, is what I mean, but I don’t say it. Hale crosses his arms and narrows his eyes. With pursed lips and a furrowed brow, he stares me down to ascertain if I’m telling the truth or not.

“Bring me your gun,” he demands, and I knew it was coming, so I’m not sure why it annoys me.

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