Page 69 of Surviving Slater
When I thought about Slater all I could think about was how things had ended between us. There had been no warning, no discussion - nothing. It was why I struggled with it. There had been no closure. It felt like I had gone straight from his bed to be discarded like an unwanted piece of trash.
I couldn't stop myself from thinking of the girl who had replaced me. I knew it wasn't healthy but it didn't matter. My mind went back to the moment it had ended between us, when I had mentioned the name Shannon.
The story behind the name nagged at me and I began to fixate on it, wanting to know what happened. I couldn't exactly ask Slater about it; he wouldn't tell me anything.
Somehow in my weird way of piecing everything together I believed if I at least knew why he had left so suddenly and shut me out of his life I could close the chapter on us and him. I couldn't go on like this. With the emotional mess of my childhood that I was still trying to smother and the pain from my separation from Slater, it was too much to handle.
If I kept this up I knew I was heading for an emotional breakdown. My childhood scars wouldn't be forgotten and I had to find a new way to deal with them. I bit my nail as I went over my options. My survival depended on what I did next.
Shannon. Then the idea came to me. Connor had ways of finding out things. I knew if I asked him he would help me, but I hesitated.
With a past I didn't want anyone to know about, I knew it was wrong to go behind his back and meddle in his when he clearly didn't want to talk to me about it.
"You've been quiet the last couple of days," Levi said, pulling me out of the loop I'd been stuck in, unable to make a clear decision.
"Sorry," I mumbled. "I've had a lot on my mind."
In that moment I missed Matthew. He would have gotten the ice cream out already and given an ear to listen to my guy-problems. But I had to admit no amount of ice cream was going to fix me.
"Have you heard from Slater again?" he asked. It was the first time he'd asked me about him since his last visit.
I shook my head. There had been no contact from him and I didn't expect any. We would go back to being strangers who only stepped into each other's space when our friendships with Sin and Taylor required us to. I just hoped there weren't any occasions like that anytime soon. I was far too fragile to pretend everything was okay, even with the medication.
"No. And I don't expect to."
He didn't look convinced. Maybe he was trying to make me feel better but it wasn't working.
My phone began to ring and I picked it up off the coffee table. It was Matthew. Levi disappeared into the kitchen.
"Hello," I said, feeling a little better.
"Hey, roomie," he said, and it made me smile.
"It's good to hear your voice," I revealed as I wandered over to the window.
"I've missed you," he said, and it made my smile widen.
"You're phoning to check up on me," I said, knowing he was worried about me.
"Someone has to." The one I wanted to care, didn't.
"I'm okay." I kept my voice light so the lie would be believable.
"Liar," he countered. "Has Slater been behaving?"
"Slater is Slater and there is no changing him."
There was a moment of silence that led into two.
"What did he do now?" he asked, an edge of anger in his voice.
"We're done." There was no more Slater and me.
"Yeah, until he comes groveling back," he scoffed.
"No. This time I think we are really over." It was hard to keep the sadness out of my voice.
"You deserve better than him." That didn't matter. I wanted him more than I had probably wanted any guy, and it sucked I wasn't enough for him.
