Page 27 of Breaking Matt
I looked to Matthew, who was still playing the part of the smitten boyfriend so well. He'd been different—with him I'd wanted so much more. But where had that led me? Straight to a betrayal, and I wouldn't allow him the power to do that to me again.
Without being too obvious about it, I pulled away gently. He released but he made a point of holding my hand in his, threading his fingers through mine. It would be obvious there was something wrong if I pulled my hand out of his, so I reluctantly allowed him to maintain the hold.
"I need to get to class," I told Courtney. "I'll see you in the cafeteria for lunch."
"Sure, see you then," she replied as she gave me a quick hug.
I walked away holding the strap of my bag and Matthew still held my hand in his, refusing to let go. Just as we got out of view of my friend, I yanked my hand from his and I made a point of walking a little bit away from him, needing to put some distance between us—but he closed the distance and his hand reached for mine again.
"We need to keep up the facade for everyone, not just your friends," he whispered angrily into my ear and I shot him a quick glare. I knew he was trying to protect me, but did he really have to go this far to make sure nothing happened to me?
I was tempted to stay confined to my apartment so I wouldn't have to "pretend" to be anything. It was too much to be so close to him, too difficult to keep my feelings at bay.
In my first class I sat down in my seat and dropped my bag on the floor beside my table. Matthew slid into the seat beside me. It was suffocating having him around all the time. It was a constant reminder of what I'd lost, and the constant pull to my heart hurt. It took more effort than I could muster to keep my true feelings of heartache away from his watchful eyes.
I snuck a glance at him and watched as he scanned the classroom. I saw a room full of rowdy college students, and I wondered what he saw. His eyes set upon a new student I'd never seen before. It was a guy with brown hair that reached his ears. Just as I let my eyes run over the guy, he turned and winked at me.
I smiled, liking that I could still get the attention of other guys. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Matthew tense and move his seat slightly closer to me. He hadn't liked it one bit. The guy who had been flirting with me gave me one last smirk as he noted Matthew's response and turned to face the front of the class.
"You're really going to cramp my style," I whispered angrily to Matthew.
"I don't care," he whispered under his breath.
I liked to do what I liked when I wanted to. I didn't like restrictions. I wasn't used to being told what I could or couldn't do. Even my parents had treated me like my own person from a young age. I thought it was one of the reasons I was more mature than most people my age.
The rest of the day flew by. I tried to keep my concentration on my classes and not on the brooding presence who had attached himself to me. He was close all the time and it was driving me nuts.
By the time I got into my apartment I was in need of some space, so without a word I went into my bedroom and slammed the door closed, letting him know I didn't want to be around him anymore. I leaned against the door and dropped my bag on the floor. Letting out a deep sigh, I let my head fall against the door as I contemplated how I was going to survive another day with him so close that I could feel my body's reactions to him. Just the smell of him was enough to get my hormones to swirl to attention.
It was getting harder to be around him—letting him hold me, touch me—without it leading to more and without wanting more. We'd never had problems with the physical side of our relationship. He knew his way around a girl's body and he knew exactly what I liked and what I didn't. For a brief moment I remembered how he knew exactly where to kiss me just below my ear to make me groan.
I pushed off the door and went to sit down on my bed. With him pretending to be my boyfriend there was no way I could meet someone else. I enjoyed the physical closeness of being with a guy. I got gratification when I wanted it and I didn't like suppressing it because there was no other way to ease it at the moment.
Then I had the most absurd thought.
It was so ridiculous I couldn't help laughing at myself for even thinking of it. But after thinking about it for a few moments, my laughter stopped and I began to truly contemplate it—as crazy as it was, it could work.
He wanted to pretend to the outside world we were still together and loved each other up to the point we couldn't keep our hands off each other. It was an arrangement. With the pretense, there was no way I could hook up with other guys or move forward with my life. And who knew how long we would have to keep it up?
I smiled as I continued to think my idea over. It could be just like an arrangement, physical benefits with nothing else. Lots of people had that arrangement, although I struggled to remember any of my friends who had done it without other complications creeping in. I had real feelings for him and there was a good chance those feelings could get caught up in this arrangement; but then on the flip side this might be exactly what I needed.
Making our relationship purely a physical one might make it easier to move on when the job was over and he moved on to his next client. It was a ludicrous idea but I loved it. But the question was, could I get Matthew to agree to it? I was pretty sure he was still physically attracted to me even though there was no way to know if his feelings toward me had been real. It wasn't like we had professed our love for each other but he'd definitely given me the impression he'd cared about me.
My phone rang. I checked it and it was my mother. I ignored it; I still wasn't ready to speak to her or my father. Once the phone stopped ringing I tried to decide which was the best way to approach the conversation with Matthew.
I wasn't sure words were going to do the trick. I had to make sure there was no room for refusal on his part. If I didn't give him a chance to say no, I could get him to do what I wanted. I smiled to myself as I began to formulate how I was going to get him to agree to what I wanted.
The sound of the TV in the living room told me exactly where he was. I wasn't one to back down from a challenge, so before I could second-guess my plan, I stepped out of my bedroom.
He was sitting on the couch and at the sound of my door opening he looked back. Our eyes met. I could feel our attraction in that one look. I could do this. As I approached him I felt a flutter of excitement at what I was about to do. He looked at me expectantly as I came to a stop in front of him.
"I need help undoing a button," I said as I turned around. I moved my hair out the way. He stood up behind me.
I felt the soft touch of his hands as he undid the button, even though he knew I could undo it on my own. Did he know I was playing a game? I turned to face him. He was watching me like a hawk and his eyes watched while I slid my tongue across my bottom lip seductively.
Reaching for the hem of my shirt I pulled it over my head and dropped it to the floor. His eyes ran over my semi-naked form. He was still in control, and I needed to break it. The only reaction was the slight darkening in his eyes.
"I need help with this button," I said as my fingers settled on the top button of my jeans.
