Page 101 of Loving Taylor
"Fine," she said in a short tone before she sat down on her bed with her arms still crossed.
Her eyes went to the folder I held in my hands. She knew what it contained. I closed the door and turned to face her.
"How did you get Matthew to let you in?" she asked, not looking happy about it.
"I called him. He gave me a chance to tell him why I needed to speak to you and, well, here I am," I explained, looking around her room.
"I'm listening," she said. She looked resentful of my presence in her room.
"You have it in your head that I just came back because I was concerned and because I felt guilty," I started, taking a step closer.
My eyes softened as they caressed her face. I wanted to reach out and touch her cheek but I stopped myself. First I had to win her back. She pressed her lips into a tight, determined line.
"What I feel is so much more than that," I admitted.
Now was the time for the truth, no more games or hiding how I felt. I had to lay it all out in front of her to win her back.
I looked down at the folder.
"I know you didn't read the folder," I admitted softly.
"Why do you suddenly believe me now?" she asked. My reaction to the folder had been an all-consuming anger and betrayal. It had been impossible to listen to reason. "I don't understand."
She dropped her arms to her sides. Her body language was not as defensive as before. I took that as a sign that I was reaching her.
"I want to explain everything to you, but I think you need to read it for yourself," I said, holding out the folder to her. I was taking the biggest risk of my life but I couldn't win her back with this between us. She looked at the folder I was holding out to her.
"Take it."
She reluctantly took it from me and held it with both hands.
"I want you to read it." Even if I lost her, she had to know it all. I couldn't hide this and risk losing her all over again.
She studied the folder briefly before raising her eyes to meet mine. I felt nervous that this could backfire and this would be the end of us. My tongue touched my lip ring.
"I don't need to know about your past," she stated with a sigh. "It doesn't matter to me."
My heart inflated with her words but I couldn't take the chance that her curiosity might get the better of her further down the line.
"I know," I said. I resigned myself to the fact that there was no going back and what would happen was going to happen.
"I'm not sure why you want me to read it now." She gave me a questioning look.
"I never wanted you to know any of it," I told her truthfully. I raked a hand through my hair, feeling more agitated. "But you've left me no choice. It's the only way for you to understand why I didn't think I was good enough for you and that was the reason why I left. I didn't leave because I didn't care about you."
The silence between us was strained. She swallowed. She studied me as she sat, still holding the folder. There was no hiding my true emotions from her. She had to see how much was riding on this.
"Why are you nervous?" she asked.
I couldn't keep the sadness at bay when I thought of the worst-case scenario playing out when she read the truth.
"There is a chance I will lose you anyway," I said, feeling scared and defeated at the same time.
Her beautiful blue eyes held mine.
"Promise me you will read it," I said, hoping she wouldn’t refuse.
She nodded. "I'll read it."
I could tell from her expression that she didn't believe anything that the folder held would change anything. But she hadn't read it yet and once she had she would be able to decide if it was something she could forgive me for.
I didn't want what we had to be tainted with deception.
"You know where to find me when you're done," I said. I turned to leave and then stopped. "I'll see you soon. Even if it's just to tell me you never want to see me again."
With my part done I left her room. Matthew wasn't in sight when I left the apartment and I was glad I had no one to witness the rawness I felt.
You did the right thing,I told myself even though the ache in my chest throbbed.
