Page 17 of Loving Taylor
"I'm not one to turn down an offer like that," I started to say and she watched me with big hopeful eyes. "But you don't look like you've ever taken advantage of anyone."
She looked a little stunned. I wasn't sure if it was because of the fact that I figured out she was a virgin. Or maybe it was because I was about to turn her down. There was no way to know.
"So what?" she said, trying to sound blasé about it.
If I were some other guy, I probably wouldn't care and I would have had her on the bed already. I had to shut down the image of my mouth closing over hers as I pressed my body against hers. Just thinking about it made my jeans tighten uncomfortably.
"As stunning as you are and as much as I'd like to take you up on your offer..." I began. Her face fell slightly when she realized I was going to say no. "I don't do virgins."
She looked hurt but I knew I was saving her more heartache. I was doing the right thing even if I felt a bit shitty at that moment, watching her reel from my decision.
"Okay," she mumbled and tried make a hasty escape but I caught her arms.
"Find someone special to share it with," I told her, searching her eyes.
"No, it's fine. I'm sure I'll find someone who can help me," she replied and yanked out of my grip. And then she was gone.
I raked my fingers through my hair.
You did the right thing,I assured myself. I knew I had even if it made me feel like an asshole for hurting her.
And she will probably never speak to you again.So in effect I had killed two birds with one stone. She wouldn't approach me again, not after this rejection. And wasn't that exactly what I wanted—her keeping her distance from me?Yes, I told myself, even though I wavered for a few moments.
I heard the door slam as she left the house. The sound vibrated through me, making me feel worse. In a few days I would get back to my normal self like I had been before I had met her. Then I could move from one girl to another again, finding temporary solace from my childhood demons.
The next few days did nothing to lighten my dark mood. My mother had been extra clingy, calling me more often than usual. It only put me under more strain because I was unable to give her what she wanted from me.
Couldn't she understand that years of neglect couldn't be wiped away with a couple of years of sobriety and love? She told me she loved me often enough but, with her actions, I didn't feel it. I'd spent most of my life feeling unloved and unwanted. Maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up if at least my father had played some part in my life. But I had been an unwanted mistake.
I was on my way into class when a girl I knew from one of my classes approached me and asked if I had some study notes.
It was a ploy to talk to me but I played along. Besides, I needed a distraction from the ongoing torment of my life and the blond girl who had been plaguing my thoughts constantly. She had made me question my actions.
I leaned against the wall as the girl fluttered her eyes and smiled at me sheepishly, loving the attention I was getting. It was feeding my ego and after my upheaval of emotions over the last two weeks I needed it.
It was one of the reasons I loved sex. It was a purely physical act for gratification. There were no emotions to mar or confuse it. Just skin against skin, one body against another. The rush and for a few moments an ecstasy that superseded any other emotion or physical reaction. I could understand why people wrestled with sex like a drug addiction. You took drugs for the rush, it was the same with sex.
Something pulled my attention from the girl and my eyes meshed with familiar blue ones. My immediate reaction was a stutter in my breathing. She still had a way of affecting me with just a look. No other girl had ever been able to do that. Then my insides twisted when I saw the guy standing beside her.
He looked like the type of guy she deserved. No tattoos, piercings, well dressed with a bright future ahead of him, possibly taking over a family business. The preppy type, who drove the right car and could give her everything I couldn't. Yeah, I had money but I couldn't give her dating or feelings. My future was uncertain.
She blushed, reacting to the boldness of my stare. She was the first one to look away, focusing her attention back on the preppy guy. It only reinforced what I already knew, he was better suited for her than I was. It should have confirmed any doubts I had wrestled with before, but it only made my chest ache with that same feeling I’d experienced when my mother had reached for the bottle, turning her attention away from me. I tensed my jaw as I worked through the feeling, being careful not to show it.
I should have looked away but I couldn't drag my eyes from her as she walked past. Maybe I was hoping she would look back at me, but she didn't.
"You want to go to a movie sometime?" the guy asked her. I waited for her to answer even though my attention was back on the girl still trying to chat me up.
"Yeah, that sounds nice," she answered lightly.
It wasn't unexpected but the sharp pain that ran through me was. I had no idea what I was feeling but I didn't like it one bit. That was the thing. With her I felt way too much and I needed to find a way to stop it.
He was the right guy for her but knowing she was going to go out with him messed me up in a way I struggled to handle.
Packing up and moving somewhere else held a lot of appeal at that moment. It was the only way to ensure I never set eyes on her again. But I liked the area and I had settled in nicely with Slater. I couldn't just up and leave. And how would I explain that to Slater? I had to figure it out and deal with it. I was no coward and there had to be a way to fix the unsettledness she had created in me.
They disappeared into their classroom and I was left with the girl frowning at me.
"You okay?" she asked, stating the obvious fact that I had been unable to keep my emotions guarded.
