Page 137 of Cam Girl

A beat, and then, “Dammit, Gillian, are you fucking kidding me right now?”

The anger and also the relief in her voice has me feeling guilty. I’m gripping the phone in one hand, Aiden’s hand in the other, and cowering where I stand. “Suz, I’m sorry?—”

“Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been about you?” she almost shouts. Not paying the slightest bit of attention to my apology. “You tell me that you’re just taking off for a little bit, that everything is going to be fine and you don’t want me freaking out, your words, and then nothing!”

“I also told you that you wouldn’t hear from me,” I add weakly.

It’s the wrong thing to say but instead of an explosion, Suz erupts with a hiccuping sob.

“I can’t lose you. Do you understand? Whatever’s happening, why won’t you let me help you?”

Fuck. How did she even think to call Soren so many times? Once, and the call ignored, should’ve been enough to dissuade her. Not Suz, though.

The rest of the conversation is tense, and my mind checks out. I’m like a plug only halfway inserted into the outlet, running on fumes, empty and searching and yearning and scared.

I’m helpless to protest when Soren drives me back to the cabin.

I make it through the rest of the day on autopilot and head into my room early. I’m sleeping alone tonight. Or rather, not sleeping.

Because I know what I have to do. I’ve stayed here too long.

I’ve taken too much from them. Rather than putting them in danger any longer, dragging them down into my mess the way I swore I wouldn’t do, I’ve got one choice.

To leave.

I’m just rotten, and no matter how determined they are to help me, they’ll fester with me until there is nothing left of anyone.

I push the covers down, the cold floor stinging my bare feet. At least I don’t have much in the cabin. Only what I came with, a few changes of clothes and the pertinent things.

Where can I go?

I’ll head back to the trailer for the moment. Bill should be gone at this point. It’s been long enough for him to have his feet back under him. It should be easier to figure things out from there.

Keeping the noise to a minimum, I root around in the dark for the rest of my things. Soren and Aiden are in their own rooms after I told them I wanted to be alone tonight.

Although neither looked fond of the idea, both agreed.

Tase hasn’t spent the night yet, which keeps him a step removed from this. Thank god.

My heart aches, and a sob burns the back of my throat. I don’t want to leave. More than anything, I want to stay, and see if we can figure this out. For a few days, I caught a glimpse of a life I wanted to live.

It wasn’t the same as the life I’ve been working toward or the one I figured for myself, because in those fantasies, I was alone.

I have never been able to picture who I might want to spend my life beside, and at twenty years old, it’s never felt pressing. But if my previous dreams no longer satisfy me, there’s no reason why I can’t have new ones. No reason why I can’t reinvent myself.

I like the quiet here. I like the small town vibe and the fulfilling work of the clinic, and I like coming back to a cabin that feels like a home. With men who intrigue me. Men who make me want to learn more and, better yet, make me want to be a better person.

Being with them feels right. They don’t care if they have to share me. I’ve never been enough for myself. Now I feel like I’m enough for all of them. How in the world doesthatwork?

Damn, I wish I had a chance to figure it out.

These last few days, if I take away the stress of the unknown, have been some of the best in my life.

It isn’t just the sex either, even though the sex is absolutely fantastic. But I have feelings for all three of them. And I know that Tase is the final piece of the puzzle, binding us all together.

I don’t want to go yet.

Isn’t that fucked up? What kind of person am I to sleep with all three men? Greedy, that’s what. Greedy and undeserving.

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