Page 79 of When Storms Collide

He let out a long exhale, biting his cracked lip between his teeth. “The things I did while I was Noctani…”

I scooted to the edge of the chair—my thighs spread so that he was squatting next to the table between them. His other hand moved from the table to rest on my thigh as he remained perched there. This was the first time he had touched me since we had been back, and the sensation of his skin against mine sent an electric shock running up my spine.

I had experienced that electric shock the first time we had ever touched back in the classroom in Silver Oaks. I had never had that happen while he was Noctani. Even after all this time, after everything, he still had butterflies swirling in my stomach.

I reached out with the hand not clasped in his, turning his chin up towards me. “There is nothing you can tell me that I would judge you for.You were not yourself.”

“But a part of mewas… ” His words trailed off. “There was a part of me that was still… me. I think it was because we were bound… before I was turned. It allowed me to have more autonomy than the other Noctani. If that weren’t the case… I never would have let you go. Never would have let you keep your magic.”

I shook my head. “You can’t overanalyze your actions. You wereNoctanifor Mother’s sake, bond or no bond. Dark magic was pumping through your veins, and there is nothing you could have done that would have changed that.”

He tried to avert his gaze, but I held his chin firm.

“I still love you, Nikolai.”

It was those words that broke him. He fell back, his legs giving way beneath him. A sob tore through him as he buried his face in his T-shirt, salty tears trickling down his cheeks ashe tried to hide them from me. I crawled onto the floor with him, pulling him against me as the sobs racked through him, his body shuttering.

“I love you,” I whispered, my hand rubbing circles across his muscular back.

He held my arm tightly against his chest as he pulled away enough for his gaze to meet mine.

“Diana—the things I did to you… I can never forgive myself.” His breath caught in his throat as the words almost choked him. “Never—”

I pulled him against my chest once more. “You have nothing to forgive yourself for where I am concerned, Nikolai. I do not blame you for the things that happened in that house, or what came before.”

His head still pressed against my chest, he shook it back and forth furiously.

“I hurt you. Suffocated you. Bit you. Drank from you. Took from you.Diana, I touched you—” His words cut off as his breath caught in his chest once more and he sputtered.

My voice was strangled as I spoke. “You didn’t hurt me, Nikolai. Not truly. I am here, I am ok. You let me go.” I squeezed him tightly against myself. “You let me go.”

“But the others… ” His voice trailed off as he released a choked sob. “You don’t even know the half of it. You only saw what I did while I had you in that house. Only saw me kill Giselle and Baker. There were so many others… so many lives I took and innocents I tortured. I’m a murderer, Diana. The fact that I still had a sliver of my humanity due to our bond only makes it worse. That there was a piece of me that might havebeen able to fight the compulsion, that I should have been stronger. That I was only able to fight against it when it came to you… ”

His tears soaked through the robe I wore as I held him against me and let him cry. I had never seen him fracture. Never seen him shatter. It broke my heart to see the guilt eating him alive. A piece of me had known he would feel this way once he was cured. That he would have a hard time coming to terms with what he had done while he was Noctani. But I hadn’t expected this.

When he pulled away and his eyes met mine once more, they gleamed with tears, bloodshot and exhausted. “Will you ever forgive me?”

My answer was immediate. “There is nothing to forgive.Nothing. Do you hear me? You only need to forgive yourself.”

He scoffed at this, as if it weren’t that simple. I clasped the back of his neck as I brought my lips to his cheek, placing a gentle kiss against his tear-soaked skin. It felt so good to have him back in my arms again, even if he was breaking apart as I tried to hold him together. Even if it would take more time to break down the walls that had been built up between us.

“We will not let Donika win. You are here, with me. You are safe. And I love you. She cannot take that from us. Shewon’t.”

He buried his face in my neck as the tears subsided, his hand firm against my back, holding me against him. When his lips found my neck, the tears he had shed against my skin mixed with his kiss. He let out a shuddering exhale as he pulled away to meet my gaze.

A smile lifted the corner of his mouth despite the tears that had yet to dry tracking across his cheeks. “Leave it to you to pull me out of my own darkness. Always so strong. Always so brave. I wish I were even a fraction as courageous as you are.”

He leaned towards me and I could taste his breath on my lips, cinnamon and coffee and spice. He was everywhere all at once, and I drank him in.

“I love you, Diana. You are strong when I can’t be.” His words were throaty, ragged.

“And you are my strength, too. When I left the Stormvault… ” I shook my head. “I never could have healed without you. We are better together, Nikolai. Never forget that. Everything that happened before, it wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself… not ever. Not for one second. You are the strongest man I know, and the only person to defeat black magic pumping through your veins. If that isn’t strong… I don’t know what is.”

His gaze held mine, burning with reverence first… then hunger.

“I don’t deserve you.” His words were hoarse. Haunted.

It was my turn to scoff this time. “You do deserve me. You deserveeverything.”

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