Page 59 of Love in the Countdown

Most importantly, I found happiness and hope. I have so many things to look forward to, and I can’t wait to see what the next year brings.

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emily

Charlotte came screaming into the world a few days before her due date at the end of February. She was small for her age but otherwise healthy. She had a full head of dark hair, and her dark grey eyes captured our hearts. We were both elated to welcome her into the world.

Unfortunately, it was not all rainbows and sunshine, as I ended up having postpartum depression or PPD. The chances of me developing PPD were higher, given my health issues during pregnancy. Though I knew it was likely, it was another blow to my self-esteem that I did not bounce back immediately after birth. If anything, it was a struggle to function with a newborn baby who never seemed to sleep through the night, which exacerbated the PPD and subsequent insomnia.

Luckily, Ben’s employer had generous paternal leave. He took his part in caring for Charlotte seriously and was vital in maintaining the house. Not only did Charlotte struggle with sleep, but she also had problems with latching, which made breastfeeding a painful and miserable experience for us both. I met with several lactation consultants, and Charlotte eventually figured out how to latch properly. I never realized how happy I would be to see her gain weight by the ounces.

As far as wedding planning goes, it’s been on pause until we get our feet back under us again. Now that I’m on medications, my mood has improved, and I’m feeling like myself again. I’ve started increasing my activity, as the pain has mostly resolved after I gave birth, as expected, though I still feel twinges of pain in my groin. Now that I’m no longer in constant pain, I’ve been able to enjoy my life a lot more without worrying about the consequences.

Our sex life has taken a hit since Charlotte was born. At first, it was hard for me to feel up to it when I wasn’t feeling well. I also felt self-conscious about my postpartum body. Ben has never commented on my weight gain or how I look, and I still feel the heat of his gaze on me when I’m not paying attention. The medications also impacted my libido, which was an unfortunate side effect. More recently, finding time between his work schedule and taking care of Charlotte has been challenging. Since the cost of daycare exceeded my salary, we opted for me to stay home for a while until childcare was more affordable. Things are tight, but we’re making it work.

My parents help whenever they can. My mom makes it a habit to stop by each week on her day off to see Charlotte and visit with me. It was awkward initially, but we eventually got into a routine.

One day, when Charlotte was about four months old, my mom was holding Charlotte while I ate the lunch she had made. We were sitting in companionable silence for a few minutes before she cleared her throat.

“I need to apologize to you.”

I look at her from across the table, confused by her words.

“For what?”

“I know I was not a good mom to you. I look at Charlotte and think how alike you two are. She is such a joy to be around. I’msorry for how I treated you.” She hugs Charlotte to her chest. “Can you ever forgive me?”

I looked into her tear-filled eyes. She seemed sincere and distraught by her admission. Emotions surged inside me, and I felt choked up by her unsolicited apology. I fought to keep the tears from falling and nodded. A few hours later, we gave each other a tight hug, and she left. I know it probably took a lot for her to say those words to me, and I am so thankful for them.

I never expected an apology, but hearing the regret in her words lifted a weight off my shoulders.

I put Charlotte to bed in her crib and crawl into Ben’s lap. He places his hands on my hips, and we soak in the moment, just enjoying each other. His gaze bores into my soul, to the very center of my being. I’ve never felt so seen until I look into his hazel eyes.

I cup his face and lift to give him a kiss filled with love and longing. He makes me feel beautiful even on my worst days, and tonight, I want to bathe in the warmth of his affection.

It’s not long before he has me pinned underneath him. He quickly undresses me and trails wet kisses down to my center. We don’t have a lot of time before Charlotte wakes up again, but he still makes sure that I’m wet and ready to take his cock. Only when I’m writhing and begging does he finally rear up and take his clothes off. He returns to bed, his erect cock in one hand as he strokes himself.

“Hmm. I never tire of looking at you.”

He climbs over me and plants a hand near my head. With his other hand, he guides the tip of his cock to my center. After a couple of teasing thrusts, he finally enters me slowly. He lets me get used to him for a few seconds before setting a relentless pace that has me seeing stars.

When he’s ready to come, he pulls out of me and gives his cock a few strokes before shooting hot jets of cum on my bellyand chest. We have to be careful since I’m not on any birth control. Though we have talked about having another baby, I want to wait a few years before deciding.

The trauma of my pregnancy is still too fresh, and I know I need more time to heal mentally, emotionally, and physically before I can consider carrying another baby. Plus, since Charlotte was unexpected, it would be nice to plan for the next baby instead of having another surprise. That way, I can start treatments like physical therapy and find a therapist to help me through the pregnancy.

epilogue

Emily

FIVE YEARS LATER

Life has been crazy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. We finally got married on the beach in the Bahamas when Charlotte was almost two years old. She was our flower girl, and we were so thrilled to have our little girl walk down the aisle with us. The ceremony was small, with only immediate family and close friends. It was perfect, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. We made our vows as the sun set, and it was the most romantic moment of my life since Charlotte arrived.

I started a new job when Charlotte was about three years old. It’s at an outpatient clinic and less physically intensive, which I can appreciate as I get older.

It took me a lot longer than a few years to warm up to the idea of being pregnant again. Ben and I talked about having another baby, and when we were both on the same page, I startedphysical therapy to help prepare my pelvic floor muscles for the added weight. I also found a therapist who could meet with me virtually in case it became difficult to leave the house again.

I felt so much more prepared going into the second pregnancy, and though I was told each pregnancy was different, I was disappointed when I started having symptoms of SPD much sooner this time around. The pain was also much worse, but I could manage working until the third trimester when my doctors had to take me out of work again.

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