Page 59 of Scatter the Bones

“I love you, Jensen,” she whispers in my ear.

I shared some of the most evil things I’ve ever done, and she still loves me.

“Why didn’t you just tell me, though?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you about Cain.” I shrug and shift my gaze to the floor. “I should’ve just told you before.”

“We…haven’t been together very long. I don’t expect you to disclose every secret in your past to me all at once.”

“This was kind of a big one.”

“Maybe. But it was wrapped up in a lot of complicated feelings and painful memories.”

“Memories?” I let out a bitter laugh. “I don’t actually have a lot of those. So much of my childhood’s a fucking blur.” I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my finger between them as if that might reveal something.

Margot’s warm hand wraps around mine and drags it away from my face. “That’s because your brain wasn’t allowed to make childhood memories. You were trying to survive. Instead of storing memories, you were avoiding danger. You were bracing for impact because you probably never knew what would trigger you father’s punishments.”

And just like that, Margot has described exactly how I felt as a kid. “Even when I thought I knew what to do to avoid punishment, I’d still do something that needed ‘correction.’”

“Because it was never about you or what you did,” Margot says. “It was about your father’s need for control.”

I turn that over in my head. She’s right, but it’s still hard to accept.

“I wish you’d told me,” she adds. “We’re both adults, I would have understood.”

“Eh.” I tilt my head. “Emotionally, I’m basically a teenager in an adult’s body.”

Shaking her head, she pulls away, but a small smile plays over her lips. “That you’re aware of your emotions at all says you’re more mature than you realize.”

“I did a shitty thing, Margot.” I gently squeeze her hand and lift it to my lips, brushing a kiss against her knuckles. “You’re the kindest, most compassionate person I know. And I did something so fucking heartless by turning my back on that kid.”

“You know me better than that, don’t you? I’m always on your side no matter what.” She trails her fingers through my hair, gently stroking. “You didn’t even know him. You left the farm before he was born. I can understand why you wouldn’t feel connected to him. Your dad impregnated a…teenager.” Her voice lowers to a conspiratorial whisper. “I can see why you’d have trouble processing that and seeing Cain as a sibling.”

I hadn’t thought of it quite that way. I nod slowly, letting her words settle.

“You know everything about me,” she continues, “and you’ve never judged or turned away.”

“This is different. You kill in defense of the innocent. I hurt someone whowasinnocent.”

“Hurt? How?”

Hasn’t she been listening?I shrug and glance away. “Tried to forget he existed. Took him away from his sister. Sent him and his mother away instead of—I don’t know. Doing more?”

“Jensen.” Sympathy and exasperation color her voice. “What were you, nineteen? Twenty? Cainhada mother. Hedidhavesomeone to look after him. Seems like you took care of Ruth and her son in the best way you could, given the situation.”

She pauses, her eyes searching mine. “Besides, Jezzie and her safety was your priority. I think you did the right thing. Getting her far away from that place and all those bad memories was probably the safest solution.”

“That’s what I thought at the time too.”

“Good.” She pats my leg. “So, you already know the answer.”

I lean back, letting her words settle into the spaces where guilt has lived for so long. I’m not ready to let go of it, yet.

“Some of the best—and only—memories I have from my childhood that don’t involve punishments are with Rooster. Or Rooster’s mom.”

Margot tilts her head, listening closely.

“She was the kindest woman. Always tried to include me in stuff. I think my dad freaked her out, but she still came to pick me up for trips to the beach, or the fair, or whatever.”

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