Page 60 of Privilege

He laughs as my face twists. “They weren’t selling beer, but they had pinball machines in the back. You know, thelibrary. She liked to be out all day. We’d take the bus, just to see where it went.” He’s grinning.

I try to imagine it. If we’d stayed in Baltimore, it could have been me as a young teenager, wandering free. Even after we escaped the PS and came up here, I was never free to explore like that. We had to stay in the compound. It was years of learning to defend myself before my father would trust me out in Anchorage without a guard babysitting me.

“What changed?” I ask, remembering he said Ami didn’t seem that happy lately.

“She just…” He stops to think. “It’s a lot of pressure on the girls, you know, the ones going up for Clearance. To be smart, and strong, and master all the regulation stuff. Yeah,” he muses. “The more advanced she got with her self-control, the more she seemed shut down a lot of the time. She’d do homework with me, or take a walk on the weekend. But she changed a lot.

“I get it,” he goes on. “She had to do everything, be everything, and do it all well. She didn’t allow herself to explore or try new things, even though that was what she loved, you know, before.”

We lapse into silence, eating while the murmurs rise and fall around us. Finally I glance up and Zeph is staring at me.

“Okay, I told you about her,” he says a little coldly. “Now when do I get to see her?”

I consider the possibilities, but there’s no way I’m letting him get involved with the mission at the Brotherhood on the solstice this weekend. It’ll be hardenough keeping Ami safe there; I don’t need an untrained recruit on top of it.

“At least tell me where she’s staying and I can say hi to her,” he complains.

My eyes flick to my phone where I wrote down her address. He’s watching me closely. I shake my head no. I’ll have to check with my dad before I give this guy her info and send him out into Anchorage, maybe go with him to supervise. I know the drill with new recruits. They’re stuck in the compound until they’re fully trained and trustworthy.

“I’m sorry I can’t share that,” I tell him. His eyes dart to my phone, but I pick it up and shove it in my pocket. He’s stuck. Unless he wants to sneak out and roam Anchorage looking for a needle in a haystack, he’ll have to wait until I get the all clear.

“I’ll ask my father about it, let you know what he says,” I assure Zeph.

He doesn’t seem upset, just thoughtful. “And what do you think he’ll say?”

I shrug, pushing my chair back. “Probably no. But I’ll check with him anyway.”

I stride away from the table, trying to leave behind all thoughts of Ami and focus on what I need to do next. But even as I step out into the quiet hallway, I suddenly remember what she smells like.

I need to get myself back in the zone. I waffle between going straight to my dad or to my room. I’ll head back to my room and shower first.

My room is no better. Not with the memories of Ami, perched on the chair, looking out the window at themountains. Even the smell of chlorine clinging to me reminds me of her. I scrub, trying to leave the scent and the memories behind, focus myself and my breathing.

I can’t be distracted while I’m talking to my father, I need to be perfectly focused. I breathe deeply, taking a minute to find my center before I head out.

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