Page 113 of The Dicktionary Club

‘Yes .?.?. Erm .?.?. So, Mr Philip Khan made the headlines this week, as I’m sure you all know. And the thing is .?.?.’

Philip looked furious and began walking once more.

Shit.

‘Well .?.?. it was because of me.’

The chatter in the hall turned to gasps as people became glued to the domestic playing out in front of them. I breathed out a shaky breath, the sound amplified by the microphone.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘That’s right. I listed all of your supposed red flags on a stupid website I never thought would see the light of day.’

Philip slowed down. I wondered for a split second if I was getting through to him, but as soon as the thought passed, he began thundering down the aisle towards the exit again.

I couldn’t let him leave, not without him getting the chance to hear me out, so I began talking much quicker.

‘You heard your red flags, alleged red flags, at Kelvingrove, but please bear with me because I need the opportunity for you to listen to the green ones as well.’ I cleared my throat, and now my vision was completely fixated on him. ‘You are the kindest person I have ever met. You helped me, a complete stranger, with her career when you really didn’t have to. You brought me dinner when you knew I wouldn’t have eaten because I was working so late. You are protective and painfully honest and so, so caring. Philip, you are mysteriously handsome, playful, funny and you are so kind. Shit, I know I said that already. But the past few weeks, you have really lit me back up again.’

He stopped mid-aisle, turning slowly to face me, finally allowing himself to listen to my speech. I stepped off the stage and began walking towards him.

‘You also have this warped sense of humour that is infuriating yet somehow incredibly charming.’ My entire body was shaking, and my eyes began to sting with the effort of holding it all together. ‘Philip,’ I gulped, as I closed the distance between us, finally able to look him in the eyes. ‘You make me feel safe and calm when no one else can.’ Tears trickled down my face as I realised the extent to which I’d hurt him. As I realised everything I had thrown away.

I continued towards him until he was just a few feet away.

‘And this past month, you have brought so much joy into my life, and I’m truly sorry that I caused you so much pain in return. I started that stupid website to get revenge on men who’ve hurt women on the dating scene, and I became so fixated that I thought every man out there was fucking awful and selfish and manipulative.’

A few gasps filled the posh room at my profanity.

‘But then I met you. And you showed me that you’re anything but. Please, please accept my apology.’ My voice cracked at the last sentence as I finally came face to face with him. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.’

I pushed the microphone into his dumbstruck body then continued bombing it down the aisle. I had to get out. I had to breathe. The huge hall was filled with people pointing, and I could hear muffled chatter and laughter as they gossiped about me, delighted at the turn of events their stuffy evening had taken.

‘Hello?’ Philip’s deep voice filled the room. ‘I can only apologise for the disruption tonight.’

Every part of me cringed as he tried to sweeten the crowd and his reputation for the second time in a week from anotherfucking PR disaster I had caused.What had I done?Why did I think that was a good idea?Finally, I reached the back of the room and lurched towards the door.

‘Ella, Ella. Someone hold her at the back, please. Just for one moment.’

Two security men at either side of the door quickly stepped in front of it, arms folded, barring my exit, the hint of a smile on their bullish faces.

‘Excuse me!’ I pushed, but the man mountains didn’t budge.

‘Ella Banks, you are obnoxious.’ Philip’s voice boomed through the room.

I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.Please, God, tell me this isn’t happening.

‘You are untrusting, and like you said, you think that every man in the world is out to deceive you or your friends.’

I turned round to face the gasps in the room as Philip came closer, slowly approaching me with the mic.

‘You are incredibly uptight, you almost certainly have OCD, you are controlling, and I think we can all agree here tonight,’ he said, glancing around to interact with the guests, ‘you are a tiny bit crazy.’

My jaw was on the floor. He was right. But all the while I was missing him in a deep depression this week, that cunt had clearly been concocting a list of my faults, and now I’d given him the perfect platform to air them.

I glanced around the room at the sea of shocked faces. People had their phones out, videoing the entire spectacle, and some woman at the front was stood up on her chair, keen not to miss any action up the back of the hall.

Philip eventually sighed down the microphone.

‘But.’

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