Page 115 of The Dicktionary Club

‘No, what? Which one, Zo?’ Curtis questioned, crossing one leg in front of the other.

‘No, I haven’t seen anyone else, Curtis. I don’t want to see—’

‘Well, you know where your clothes are, Zo.’ He nudged his head towards the bedroom and lifted his phone from the coffee table.

‘Curtis.’ Zola leaned forward, pulling his phone away from his face. ‘I’m here to sort this out. I want .?.?.’ She bit her lip, taking a second. ‘Ineedto know what we’re doing. Where we go from here.’

Curtis took a moment before answering, giving her a measured, long sigh. ‘I’m not sure, you know,’ he said. ‘I’m not sure you want me, or this, or any of it. Your head’s in the clouds, Zo. Always wanting bigger and better things.’

‘Yeah? And what’s wrong with that?’ she snapped back. ‘I want a good life, Curtis. I want to make something of myself. There is nothing wrong with wanting bigger and better things.’

‘Like your Spanish guy? Eh? Was he better?’

Zola paused, seeing the hurt she’d caused all over his face.

‘No, not better, of course not. But he had ambition. He didn’t make me feel ridiculous or embarrassed about having dreams.’

‘So, you want him then? That’s what you’re telling me?’ There was a thunder behind his voice she had only ever heard a few times throughout their entire relationship.

‘No! Wait. What?’ Zola shook her head. ‘For fuck’s sake, Curtis, I haven’t spoken to him once since that night.’ She paused, regaining composure. ‘Look, I’m genuinely so so sorry about Alvaro. And I felt fucking awful the moment it happened, and that’s why I told you.’ Zola breathed deeply, thinking abouther next sentence. ‘But I have been struggling with things between us recently. You know that,’ she said, feeling how heavy her eyes were, and her head starting to pound with the stress of it all.

‘Oh,you’vebeen struggling?’ His voice was still heated. ‘I’ve been struggling too, you know. I followed you to Glasgow, and I’m sitting around here doing nothing with my life!’ He sounded angry, as if he had been resenting the opportunities he had given up in London to move away and settle down with Zola in a different city. A wave of regret loomed over her, as she wondered how long he’d been feeling like this.

‘I never asked you to give up on uni, Curtis,’ Zola stated.

He puffed, waving his hands like he didn’t want to have this conversation.

‘I would support you whatever you want to do – you know that, right?’ she said. ‘Whatever happens between us, I’ll always support you. Fuck, if you want to go back to uni I’ll help you apply right now, do whatever course you want, and we’d sort the tuition. But only you can decide what you want to do or who you want to become and recently you seemed more than happy lying around and letting me pay for everything. If you want to change so much, then do it.’

Curtis covered his face like it had all gotten too much.

‘But don’t we need to figure out what’s happening between us too?’ Zola asked, feeling her voice crumble.

He paused.

‘Curtis? Do you still want me? Do you honestly think this will work?’ Zola asked again.

He sighed, uncovering his face and looking at her properly. ‘You know I do, innit? That’s what makes this so hard. You broke me. You cheated on me, Zo. I never thought you would be capable of that.’

She gulped down, feeling ashamed. ‘Neither did I.’

‘But the thing is, the sad thing, yeah, is that I don’t even blame you for it. I want my woman to be proud of me and like the man that I am—’

‘Curtis, fucking hell, I love you,’ Zola interrupted. ‘That’s why all of this is so hard.’

Curtis tutted under his breath. ‘Look at us, man.’ He rubbed his eyes and face. ‘I know it’s not been great between us and I do want to do better. I want a decent job, Zo. I wish I could provide for you. But I’ve been stuck since we arrived here. I have no mates, and nothing to do all day. I know you didn’t sign up for the man I’ve become.’

Zola stood up and walked over to Curtis. She bent over and kissed his head. ‘I signed up for you, Curtis. But only you can get up off the sofa and look for a job, or go out and find some mates.’ She paused briefly, defeat falling heavily over her. ‘Maybe we’ve just grown differently. Maybe we were only supposed to have a few great years together. I love you but—’

‘I will try harder, Zo,’ he continued, panic rattling behind his voice.

‘Curtis, what I did, it’s unforgivable.’ Zola almost sobbed, noticing his eyes glazed over with tears.

‘But I do forgive you.’

Curtis pulled her down onto his lap and hugged her hard. They sat for a few quiet moments, Zola’s head aching from the difficult conversation. She loved him, but ultimately, she wasn’t sure what kind of love it was. Zola knew she needed more, but part of her still wasn’t ready to give up on him.

‘Why don’t we download some prospectuses from the unis, have a look at what’s out there? Or research some jobs that you would like?’ Zola asked him.

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