Page 13 of The Dicktionary Club

A series of questions popped up and I began clicking.

OK, I am a woman seeking a man for a short-term relationship.

Name.I paused. Reminding myself of an article I readrecently on the rising amount of stalking cases happening in the UK since dating apps and social media. Not to mention all of the Netflix documentaries that highlighted the complete psychopaths out there. I swore to myself after bingeingI Am Stalkernever to reveal my name or personal details to anyone outside of work or family life from then on. Especially when I lived alone, and let’s face it, I would make a great statistic. Fuck, I even told the over-smiley barista at Starbucks my name was Tina last week – just in case.

And I especially didn’t want any comeback with these men we were about to expose. I wanted to keep my details private. I mean, this was technically a business venture. I hummed a little,but what name could I use? I felt my fingers hover over the keypad of my phone, until I eventually had it.

Name:Bella

Age:30

Biography:Hey guys, new to dating and wanting to meet casually for dates. Come say Hi!

I felt nauseated. What if someone recognised me from my photographs? A distant cousin or a client? Panic set in that I’d do something that would mean my clients would look at me unprofessionally. OK, if I got caught or if Andrea had an issue with it, I could say someone stole my snaps and was catfishing as me.Yes, I’d go down that route.I mean, I hadn’t given my actual name.OK, it’s OK.This is work, Ella. Don’t stress. Think about this from a business perspective.I breathed deeply, calmed myself down – and saved my details.

My phone quickly flashed up men’s profiles, from handsome laddy types to vegan nerds. I reluctantly swiped right to them all. As match after match blew up my phone, I suddenly became more engrossed in swiping than arranging potential dates. I could feel my nerves settle as each match boosted my ego. It feltoddly thrilling, sitting back and judging man after man purely on their physical appearance. I continued the swiping charade for over an hour until I eventually called a halt and clicked on the messages tab. I knew I had to pick the perfect red-flag candidates – the ones who seemed to be serial daters. I felt more set on avenging my friend and the females of Glasgow than trying to find a nice guy to rave about.

Kevin:Can we agree that we’d both make beautiful babies?

Bingo!I swiped through Kevin’s photographs. The first showed him driving a Ferrari through Vegas, not so subtly flexing. The rest were mostly holiday snaps, such as posing at an infinity pool in Dubai or working out at the gym. There were also some curvy Ikea mirror selfies with him flexing his pecs. He seemed like the ultimate fuckboy. He needed me to vet him. I mean, don’t get me wrong; he was handsome and gorgeous, with thick black hair and a beard that was so pristinely shaped it looked like he spent more time at the Turkish barbers than at home. But he undoubtedly loved himself, and I could only imagine the women he had strung along during his years of Tinder bashing.

I took a deep breath and scanned his profile.

Bio:Lookin’ for my baby mama, the wifey to my lifey. Gotta be a gym girly. Come say Hi first, I don’t bite .?.?. unless you want me to!

Wow. I felt sick scorch the back of my throat.Do women fall for this shit?Who talks about children as an opening line? Who mentions biting? Was I so much out of the dating loop that this behaviour was now classed as normal chat? I shook my head, then smiled evilly as I began typing, resisting the urge to explain that some women, like me, never want to bebaby mamasorwifeys, especially with someone as self-obsessed as him. I paused momentarily and thought hard about the task in hand – what would Katy say?

Bella:Hey! And YES! I think we would definitely would, Kev! Can you imagine the six-pack on the kids? Wow.

Kevin:Haha defo! Let’s catch up, maybe start practising ya wee beaut x

A shiver ran through me. Wow, getting your hole on this app was seriously easy. I wanted to immediately block him for his lack of manners and downright audacity, but I played along.

Bella:Ooooh. That sounds fun! But maybe a coffee first? Ease me in a little? X

Kevin:Cool, darling. I’ll ease you in no bother Where are you from? Xx

I continued to message Kevin into the night, arranging to grab a coffee together the following day at the same time and place Katy was meeting her match. After that, I’d only have half an hour on my lunch break to write up his review for the Dicktionary Club, so I prepped possible questions on my notes tab that women might want to know about him. I then began scrolling through the mounds of messages my matches were sending.

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James:Wow, you are stunning!

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Michael:Fuck me! Is this what love at first sight feels like??

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Shaun:Hey, cutie x

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Ryan:Hey, nice profile. How is Tuesday evening treating you? It would be great to chat back, as you have a very interesting profile.

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Philip:What’s a secret talent you have nobody knows about? Bet it’s something naughty?

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