Page 14 of The Dicktionary Club

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Gary:Hey Bella. How are you? Have you got much on this week?

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Ewan:I can tell you have first-class handwriting. Perfect for the Christmas cards we will be sending from ‘us’.

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Gerard:Well, that’s a face I’d like to wake up to. Do you like big guys?

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The screeds of messages blew my mind, and I wondered how we’d possibly date enough of these men to make even the smallest dent in the Glaswegian dating scene. I replied to a few and then retired to my bed, but my mind was buzzing with ideas on how to safely and secretively enhance the Dicktionary Club. This task seemed too big for Katy and me to handle on our own.

Chapter Five

Ella

The following afternoon, Katy and I were rounding up some work before breaking for lunch. Kevin had messaged a couple of times, and I’d replied once to say our coffee date was still on. I felt quieter today, more in my head at the thought of going on a date, even if it was fake. It made me anxious just thinking about creating shitty small talk or listening to God-awful cheesy chat-up lines for the first time in years.

I ran over the possible things Kevin could say or want. What did he expect from this? To see one another again? To pump and dump? Would he promise me the world to get me into bed and then ghost me the following day? I’d seen it happen enough times to Katy, after all, and I wasn’t prepared to fall for anyone’s bullshit. I knew I had to approach this task with detached coldness and have zero emotions despite the compliments that could flood in.

But the very idea of putting myself out there again, straight back into the lion’s den, made me nauseous; I hated the games and ulterior motives. How they all presumed a bit of charm and a well-tamed beard could drop the knickers of any woman in Glasgow. Well, not this fucking one.

I stopped my mind briefly, realising my hands were shaking; I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or from overall, built-upresentment. I breathed deeply and then reminded myself this was not an actual date. This was a project that would ultimately serve the women of Glasgow. Girls who weren’t necessarily as strong-minded as me. Girls who perhaps dreamed of having children one day and wanted to enjoy a family life with a decent family man. Girls like Katy. This project would help them stay clear of the arseholes lurking around the Tinder drain. It could save them months, if not years, of wasting their lives on some unable-to-commit prick with a below-average-knowledge of how to use his penis for anyone’s pleasure other than his own. I knew deep down I had to do this. Hunting down these players and exposing the truth was basically a long-overdue act of public service.

I turned to Katy, watching her giggle while secretly messaging her new match, Ali, from under her desk. He was, allegedly, five ten, lived in Rutherglen and worked in the city centre at Virgin Media. His photos were the same as most men’s when trying to impress online – partying with friends at the Ho Wong, on holiday in Tenerife, or walking up hills on weekends. He dressed well in mostly Zara-type outfits, with the odd designer label thrown in here and there, and he seemed to have a matching hat for each of these outfits. He had a friendly face, though, and from Katy’s laughter, I guessed he was pretty flirty. She stressed that he insisted (like they all do) that he was completely fed up with trying to conduct a decent love life on the apps. Katy, unlike me, seemed pretty smitten with her new match already.

‘How are you feeling about today, Ella?’ Zola asked me, leaning back in her chair.

‘It’s coffee and then I file a report. I can do that.’ I shrugged it off.

‘And you, Katy?’

Katy was engrossed in her phone. Zola and I looked at one another, and she rolled her eyes.

‘Katy!’ I hissed.

‘Mmmm .?.?. huh?’

‘How are you feeling about your coffee date?’ Zola repeated.

‘Good. I’m looking forward to it, actually.’ She smiled brightly, her dimples showing through, and I watched Zola shake her head.

‘Will we sit together, Ella?’ Katy asked.

I laughed. ‘Maybe it’s best not to. It might give the game away, plus I think you’d distract me,’ I said, giggling at the double-date situation these men were about to unknowingly find themselves in.

‘I am going to love this! It’s going to be so much fun!’ Zola clapped her hands, laughing hard.

‘You?’ I questioned.

‘Uh-huh. You don’t think I’m letting you girls go on the Dicktionary Club’s first mission without me observing the entire thing, do you? Besides, this poor man probably needs protection from Ella; he has no idea how much of a hater she is! I’ll grab a table with my iced latte. Hopefully, they’ll have a bucket of popcorn for me, too.’

I reached over to slap her arm jokingly.

‘I’ll be fine, he’ll be fine. I’m just writing up a basic report at the end of the date! No strings.’ I glanced across to Katy, ‘You should be keeping it professional too, Katy! You’re giggling away there, entertaining this guy. Keep it causal! It’s a one-time coffee date.’

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