Page 15 of The Dicktionary Club

‘Oh, excuse me if I have a little fun along the way. I could meet the man of my dreams on this project, I’ll have you know.’

Both Zola and I let out an exaggerated sigh and slumped back in our chairs.

There was a slight shuffle of movement around us as people got up from their desks, and I turned to the clock:1 p.m. I glanced back to Katy, who was adding a layer of gloss to her lips.

‘It’s time for our date, biatch! Get your bag!’

*

As Zola, Katy and I headed to Costa, I glanced at my Tinder profile again, studying Kevin’s photographs and ensuring I knew exactly who I was meeting.OK, he is handsome, I thought. Nerves swarmed my stomach, and my breathing had changed to shorter, shallower breaths.Why am I nervous?I didn’t want to impress him in the slightest. Maybe it was because I hadn’t had a coffee with a stranger I wasn’t trying to pitch to in years. Katy, on the other hand, seemed ecstatic. She was buzzing with energy at the potential of Ali, her latest dream man.

‘OK, I’ll walk in first, place my order, then sit where I have both of you in my eyeline,’ Zola said with a smirk, putting her head down and stepping into the coffee shop.

‘Walk in together?’ Katy asked. I wondered if she could sense my nerves.

‘Sure.’ I smiled, squeezing her waist as she pulled the heavy glass door open.

The coffee shop was bustling with businesspeople and Gen Z crowds snapping photos of their drinks for social media. Katy and I huddled together, observing the lunch-rush crowd.

‘Can you see them?’ I asked, squinting around.

‘I can’t see Ali. He texted to say he was here, though.’

We continued scanning the busy room.

I felt a buzz from my pocket and saw a Tinder notification from Kevin.

Just getting parked will be one minute toots x

‘Kevin’s parking. I should probably grab a seat?’ I shrugged.

‘Wait. Just wait, I can’t see mine,’ she said, her voice quivery with panic. I watched Katy’s pale complexion turn red withstress at the idea she had been ghosted already.

‘Ah, Katy?’ a voice called out. We both turned around to see a small man with an extra-large, extra-glossy bald head smiling cheerfully.

Katy looked at me and back to him. ‘Yeah?’

‘Ali?’ He seemed confused, pointing to his chest. I did a second take as Katy’s mouth fell open.

His head was fucking huge, like monumentally noticeable even in the crowded coffee shop. It was massive, and to make it worse the sun seemed to catch and reflect its glare like a mirror.Jesus Christ, I wish I’d brought my Ray-Bans, I thought, adjusting to the brightness. Poor Ali must have photoshopped his bonce smaller for his photographs or stood ten foot behind his pals in every picture. Katy stood in absolute disbelief with her mouth wide open, gaping in horror at the gradual realisation that this man was the same person from the photos. I mean, if you shrunk the noggin or put an extra-large hat on him, I suppose he would be kind of similar – but today, she most definitely got the Temu version.

‘I think you better go,’ I murmured, nudging her.

She nodded, eyes still spanning over Ali’s vast dome.

‘Have fun.’

As Katy followed Ali, I immediately felt more unsettled about the person who would show up for me. I could hear deep cackles from the corner of the room and, as I turned, I watched Zola with tears streaming down her face, clapping the air in hysterics at Katy’s situation. I automatically burst out laughing myself.

‘You seem happy?’ a male voice said close by.

I turned to see a handsome, tall man with a beard so sharp it could cut glass.

‘Sorry, yeah, I just saw a friend. How are you?’ I asked.

He leaned in and kissed my cheek.

‘I’m good now, darling.’ He paused, and I watched his darkgreen eyes scan up and down my body. ‘Well, you are stunning, aren’t you?’ He bit his lip ever so subtly and then let out the smallest purr of delight as he finished ogling my body.

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