Page 18 of The Dicktionary Club

‘Erm .?.?. marketing and advertising. It’s stressful, but good. I enjoy it.’

‘Great! You have to work hard to getaheadin that industry.’

Katy started gulping down her drink, trying to distract herself so as not to laugh.

‘Mmmm .?.?.’ she eventually managed to say. ‘Yeah, absolutely! My boss can be hard work though, she honestly bitmyheadoff last wee .?.?.Oh God, I’m.?.?.’ She was sweating profusely staring at the shiny wall of skin facing her.

‘Carry on?’ he said, seemingly completely unaware.

*

‘Do you get me, Bella?’ Kevin followed up, and I forced myself to snap back to him.

‘Yeah, God. Sounds mad!’ I replied, scanning my watch for the time.

‘You need to go back to work, don’t you?’ I looked at his self-important face and realised that he seemed genuinely sad.

I pretended to pout. ‘I do, and so do you! This was fun, though.’

‘Aye, definitely. You’re my cup of tea, sweetheart. And once I got past that arse, we found out all about each other. We’re practically best mates now, eh?’

I laughed too hard for it to be believable, realising that he hadn’t asked me one question about myself this whole time. I stood up, and he joined me.

‘Well, thanks for the latte.’ I smiled, putting my hand out.

‘Er .?.?. you’re welcome, Bella.’ He reluctantly shook my hand, as if confused by my formalities.

We both went to walk out together, but then I paused.

‘Actually, I’m gonna nip to the bathroom first. I’ll speak to you soon,’ I said and cut in front of him, so I didn’t have to spend more time than necessary in his company.

I entered the bathroom and stood at the sink, staring at my reflection for a few minutes.Well, you’re not missing out on the dating life, Ella, I told myself.

Zola:The coast is clear. I’m outside x

I headed back through the café, noticing Katy standing up andpolitely hugging her date, then I stepped outside into the fresh air to meet Zola.

‘Well .?.?. how was it? He was fit!’ she said, impressed at my pick of suitors.

‘It was awful. He was a complete narcissist, slagging off his ex and saying how she needed to lose weight! He was even making comments about my arse.’

‘Yourarse!’ She seemed totally shocked at that.

‘Yes, my arse!’ I slapped her arm. ‘I told you guys love my arse.’

‘Wow, imagine if he saw mine!’ She bent over and gave a little twerk, and we both burst out laughing. ‘Oh, here she comes.’

Katy suddenly emerged from the coffee shop and started sprinting towards us like Usain Bolt gunning for gold. We linked arms with her and began walking away as quickly as we could so as not to get spotted by any of our dates.

‘I was catfished!’ Katy panted. ‘Totally fucking catfished!’ She brought out her phone, clicked on her Tinder app and began scrolling through pictures of Ali. ‘I was one hundred per cent catfished, look!’

‘No, Katy, you were hat-fished!’ I started chuckling at my own smart-arse joke and pointed out every picture in which her date conveniently concealed his head or cropped its true size from the photographs.

‘Yeah, you have been totally hat-fished, love! How the fuck is he fitting into those hats, though?’ Zola grabbed her phone, examining the images, still in disbelief.

‘Custom-made, I’m guessing! Maybe he was prescribed them on the NHS,’ I added.

‘I feel violated!’ Katy cried. ‘I had to sit there staring at his glossy, sweaty head. I was staring at him, taking it all in, when I realised .?.?. he’s the real-life Humpty Dumpty!’

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