Page 34 of The Dicktionary Club

Hi Ella,

We’d love to help, but unfortunately, the dates requested are already booked for other functions.

If there is anything else we can do, please let us know!

Carlo.

I sank into my chair. Great start to the day.

‘How was your night, Ella? Did you get any further with the art exhibition?’ Zola asked.

I shook my head, took out my Tupperware box of raspberries and granola, and placed it on my desk.

‘Babe, why did you bring food? I’ve set you up, remember?’ Zola scooted her chair closer to me.

‘Zo, I’m honestly not in the mood. I need to sort this mess.The Dicktionary Club will have to wait,’ I said, feeling exhausted from an entire night of tossing and turning, fretting about my job.

‘You can’t be serious, Ella. This could be our way out. We could absolutely get our own thing started. I know you’re stressed, babe, but you’re .?.?.’ She thought about her next statement, huffed, then said it anyway. ‘I’m sorry, but you are overthinking it all. I know you like to be organised, right? And you have taken a bit of a risk with this exhibition, andyes, it’s taking a little longer for you to smash than normal, but you will. You always do, babe!’ She grinned at me, and I attempted a smile back, but it was fleeting. ‘This website on the other hand is going to be huge. I honestly have butterflies whenever I think about it! Have you seen the update since the girls you recruited at the gym started reviewing guys? They have uploaded loads more dates already. Those bitches are smashing it.’

I turned my head in surprise, having muted the WhatsApp chat from the recruits almost immediately after it was created to stop the constant notifications.

‘I haven’t seen anything,’ I said.

Zola flicked back her braids and leaned over my desktop to log onto the Dicktionary Club. ‘So, I sent them over a questionnaire, things they had to answer on each date. Important questions. I’ve changed it around a little just to ensure every profile on each guy looks the same, and of course they can add anything else on the review tab down at the bottom. Look, they’ve reviewed all their old dates too!’

I gazed at the screen, watching as Zola clicked through some of the dates that had been uploaded.

‘Check this one.’ She laughed, clicking on a guy called Sam’s profile.

My eyes skimmed the mandatory questionnaire.

The date:Ice skating, then Nando’s East Kilbride (his idea).

Initial attraction:Sam was handsome, very similar to his profile pictures. Although not as ripped as his holiday ones suggest.

Manners:Friendly and bubbly. Excellent manners, but insisted on splitting the bill – even for hiring skates.

I felt my face twist, knowing my friends would offer different opinions on the matter, but I always thought that if a man asked you out, he should pay the first date.

What he is looking for:He says he is looking for a relationship and probably is.

Red flags:Very attention-seeking, loud. He seemed to know EVERYONE at the ice rink.

Green flags:Good communication. We arranged a second date while on the first.

Penis size:3/5 stars. It has a decent length but is thin.

‘Ooooh.’ I winced.

‘Yeah, no one loves a cheese string, babe.’ Zola shook her head.

Review:Sam was friendly but very over-the-top, showing off. He liked to brag, especially about his dance, skating and physical abilities. I know dating is about putting yourself out there, but Sam was off the charts – I had to persuade him NOT to show me a backflip when leaving the shopping centre. I hadn’t ice skated since I was a kid, and warned him I may need help on the rink. But within a few seconds, he was off speeding around the rink like Torvill and Dean, pirouetting and performing tricks. At one point, spectators were clapping, YES, CLAPPING! Like he was some circus act that had come to EK. I half expected an autograph line when we were leaving. Oh, and while this was going on, I was left pushing a penguincreated to help ‘less experienced skaters’ .?.?. basically kids! My back was broken, my legs were like jelly, and my arse was soaked from many, many falls. He was friendly, though, Nando’s was enjoyable, and he opened up about what he’d like in a relationship. I did see him again, and we had pretty standard sex. Overall, not for me. He was a bit too much but was genuine. I think you’d get along nicely if you’re really outgoing and are into extreme sports.

I was laughing hard at the girl from the gym’s chaotic date.

‘He doesn’t seem too bad, like not a player just .?.?.’

‘Just a fucking show-off,’ Zola said, ‘and no one likes a show-off. So, the questionnaire is easier, yeah? You could go on your dates today and easily fill that out afterwards.’ Her bright smile spread and, I admit, it was infectious.

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