Page 39 of The Dicktionary Club

‘I swear to God, he never mentioned that on his profile.’ Shepaused, taking it all in. ‘But seven times a day, seven days a week? Ouch!’

Katy scoffed. ‘I’ve managed eight before, and it gave me the worst cystitis of my life. I couldn’t pee for like a week!’

I giggled at Katy’s face, grimacing at the memory.

‘It’s unrealistic – how would you have time to do anything else? Seven times a day every single day,’ I said. I couldn’t take it in. When you factor in sleep too, he must bang one out every couple of hours.

‘His dick must be throbbing!’ Zola shook her head in disgust. ‘Although .?.?. I can’t wait to see his review. Pass me the popcorn!’

‘Oh, I can’t wait to write it,’ I said. ‘But the worst part was he seemed disappointed in me because I wouldn’t tell him my favourite position or anything. It was all too much.’

‘Reverse cowgirl!’ Katy held up her hand and performed a perfect yee-hah lassoing motion.

Zola tilted her head to the side, looking thoroughly impressed. ‘Katy, how do you struggle to keep a boyfriend when you enjoy reverse cowgirl?’ She laughed. ‘That’s a hell no for me, too much asshole in someone’s face, you know! I’m a lady like that. It’s on top or a casual spoon sesh for me.’

We tried to keep the laughter down as a few people glanced up from their desks, seeming distracted by our chat.

‘What’s your favourite, Ella?’ Katy asked, swirling around in her chair to face me.

My cheeks felt warm again. I’ve never felt prudish in front of my friends, but when it came to sex, I did feel inexperienced. I’d dated the same man for years, and if I was being brutally honest, the sex between us became a boring, roll-over, wham-bam type of thing. Joshua wasn’t adventurous; he was quiet, kind and a little bit cautious. He was more than happy with our bang-average sex life. Truthfully, so was I.

‘I honestly can’t remember. It’s been so long,’ I admitted.

Zola gasped and pointed at me. ‘You know, she never talks about it,’ she said to Katy as if I weren’t in the room at all.

‘She doesn’t!’ Katy agreed.

‘Babe, have you actually had sex since Joshua?’

I made a squirming face, knowing how much I was about to be judged.

It was Katy’s turn to gasp. ‘Fucking hell, Ella! That was like,’ she looked up to the ceiling, working out the math, ‘like, three years ago, at least.’

‘It’s not a big deal! I don’t need it,’ I protested, needing to defend myself. ‘I can’t be arsed with the shit that goes along with it. The emotions, the changing plans, the constant wondering what someone else is thinking about you. The weird jealousies. It’s not worth it. I’m honestly happy without it,’ I said. I turned to my computer, hoping the subject of my non-existent sex life would be dropped. One new email from Alexander with the subject line:updates please. I felt my stomach twist.

‘So, how much do you spend on batteries then, Ella?’ Zola said, and Katy erupted into pure-filth laughter again.

‘Or do you have a plug-in? They’re meant to have so much more power. Nothing worse when your batteries are dying, and it takes half an hour to actually get you going,’ Katy continued.

I sighed and swivelled back towards them, feeling increasingly stressed and miserable. ‘I don’t.’

Katy’s jaw almost hit the floor. ‘You don’t own a vibrator?’ she announced for the entire office to hear. ‘No wand? No rabbit?’

I put my finger to my lips, urging her to be quiet. ‘Fucking hell, Katy. Butno, I don’t! I just don’t like the idea of it. Its unsanitary; going inside you then sitting in a drawer, eww!’ A shudder ran through me.

‘So is a toothbrush, unsanitary I mean!’ Zola stated. ‘But you use that .?.?.’

‘Wait, Ella, howdoyou orgasm then?’ Katy continued.

‘I cannot believe you guys are more interested in this than the fact that I just went on a date with Glasgow’s biggest cum lord.’

My phone began ringing, and relief washed through me as an excuse to exit this uncomfortable conversation was presented to me. I pointed to my phone and picked it up, though there was no caller ID.

‘She goes old school – and we thought she got them guns from the gym!’ Zola reached over and squeezed my biceps, and both my friends continued to giggle like a pair of immature schoolgirls in sex ed.

I swatted her off me and answered the call. ‘Hello?’

‘Pilates?’

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