Page 5 of The Dicktionary Club

I nodded.

‘Oh yeah, well, I certainly remember it. And the two Canesten pessaries I had to buy after using mine. Those scents seriously threw my pH balance off the charts.’ Zola squirmed.

‘Well, hopefully, it’s done the same to his dick!’ Katy added with venom behind her eyes. She paused, regaining her train of thought, then continued, ‘So, we had a takeaway from LaVita. Everything was going great.’

‘Until?’ Zola questioned impatiently.

‘Until we were having sex. So, he was thrusting away on top of me when all of a sudden, his watch buzzed a notification from Tinder, and I saw it. He told me onlylast weekhe was off all dating apps because we’d connected so well. So, he sort of ignored it and continued the shagging, but the notification was really annoying me, so I said, “Mark, why did you have a Tinder notification on your watch there? I thought you said you deleted it?”’

I leaned in, engrossed in her latest drama like I was watching an episode ofMAFSon catchup.

‘And he said,’ she lowered her voice, trying her best to imitate his deep twang, ‘“I’m a serial swiper, Katy, it’s an addiction,” then laughed it off!’

I gasped and turned to Zola, who was shaking one finger in the air at the downright disrespect.

‘So, I said, “Oh right, but you told me you came off Tinder and didn’t want to speak to anyone else?”’

I nodded, fully agreeing with her line of questioning. ‘Yep,and what did he say to that?’

She teared up, slightly tilting her head. ‘He said, “The thing is, Katy, I like you, I do, but I don’t get that pure overwhelming oomph feeling with you, and I don’t want to settle for anything other than that. My standards are set pretty high, and I’m not .?.?.”’ Her bottom lip trembled. ‘“I’m not going to settle for you just because you’re a nice girl!”’

My face fell in disbelief.

In shock, Zola slammed her hand off her lap. ‘No, no, no! Tell me he did not say that to you, Kates!’ She stood up dramatically, her chair shooting back behind her. ‘Someone pass me a gun. I swear, pass me a motherfucking gun!’

Katy nodded back, looking embarrassed. She glimpsed around the office as some of our colleagues were beginning to stare. I tugged on Zola’s jumper for her to sit back down.

‘But the worst part was he was still inside me,’ Katy whispered, on the verge of tears again, ‘so he sort of pulled out, shaking his head because I’d ruined his shag and then he got dressed without saying another word.’

‘Katy, what the actualfuck?!’ I leaned over and held her hand, disgusted at how someone could be so cruel towards my friend.

‘I’m fed up being the nice girl, Ella. I’m always someone’s back-up just to pass the time. I want to be someone’s true love. I want to give someone that overwhelmingoomphfeeling. Why can’t it ever be me?’

I stood up quickly and wrapped my arms around Katy’s head; I kissed her hair, smelling the fresh coconut scent of her shampoo.

‘Hey, maybe you’re looking in the wrong places? Why don’t you come off Tinder for a bit, meet someone normal, at the pub or something?’ I murmured into the top of her head. ‘The guys you meet seem really nice at the start, Katy, but they always end up exactly the same – thinking they have better options outthere. It’s far too easy to swipe for the next girl. Maybe if you met someone normally, and not online, it would be different?’

She pulled away from my grasp with something between a sob and a giggle. ‘Yeah, like we ever go anywhere apart from the office. I can’t do this anymore, honestly. I’m so angry and so fucking hurt. I hate them all. I’m never going to meet anyone who actually wantsme. I’m going to die all alone.’

Zola gently shook her head at the drama. ‘Look, why don’t we head to Wunderbar tonight? Get a couple of after-work drinks? Talk about how much we hate men together?’

I smiled. ‘I’m up for it. It beats hot yoga! What do you say, Katy?’

‘I don’t know. I just don’t think I’d be much company tonight.’

I sat back on my chair. ‘Babe, you’re never much company. You only get invited to make us look pretty,’ I teased and watched as a genuine smile appeared on her face.

‘Oh fine, but only a couple of drinks. No men,’ she demanded.

I laughed a sigh of relief. ‘Absolutely no fuckin’ men.’

Chapter Two

Ella

We set off towards Wunderbar through the dull Glaswegian streets that evening after work. It was approaching summertime in the city, but the roads were still damp from the usual downpour we received most days. Katy had been pretty quiet the rest of the day, hardly touching her chicken wrap for lunch, just in case her perfect size-twelve figure was the real reason she got ditched. I knew it wasn’t. I knew how wonderful, caring, gorgeous and kind she was, but I also knew how dating apps – and the men who used them – wore you down. After all, I’d been there too. I split from my ex, Joshua, just over three years ago, and he’d been everything to me. We were inseparable; sometimes, I genuinely thought the cunt could read my mind. But he wanted kids, and I didn’t. I suppose the older we got and the closer to thirty I became, he thought I’d change my mind and, well, I believed I’d be enough for him. We broke up just after my twenty-seventh birthday when I reiterated to him after a pregnancy scare that me being a mum was never going to happen. He insisted he couldn’t imagine his life without children and, honestly, I couldn’t imagine anything worse, so he left. I was devastated. Completely heartbroken, unhappy and traumatised for years. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stabbed a million times over. And I suppose I alwaysthought he’d come back. Until he didn’t.

After Joshua and I eventually stopped communicating, I joined Tinder, and my confidence took somewhat of a beating when it came to returning to the single life. Every fucking guy I met was great at the start – funny, charming, handsome – then, slowly but surely they’d start waving their red flags. From narcissistic dickheads to downright fuckboys, from compulsive liars to scores of secretly married men. No man in Glasgow seemed to be left who genuinely wanted a monogamous relationship. And after six months of swiping, I eventually had to delete all of my apps and accept that a life without a man was one I’d happily accept if it meant my mental health stayed intact. Even when my vagina starts wailing pitifully from my knickers when a gorgeous guy smiles in my direction, I’ll tamp her down and put those longings to the side, because I know life is so much easier without all of that. Now I spend my time at the gym, going out jogging, or socialising with my friends. Honestly, I’ve never worked harder or been more career focused. I’m finally excelling at life, without constantly trying to maintain another person’s happiness. My life is less complicated, more effortless, better structured and simple now I’m single. I just wish Katy recognised that her life could be the same.

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