Page 54 of The Dicktionary Club

Both of them gasped.

‘Sorry.What?Wait. Are you going?’ Katy asked, bouncing up and down on her seat excitedly.

‘Of course I’m not. He’s Glasgow’s biggest playboy.’

‘Write about it,’ Zola said, a light going on in her eyes. ‘For the Dicktionary Club! Babe, you have to. Go along, humour him andwrite up a profile!’

‘But does he even have Tinder or Bumble or any regular dating apps?’ Katy questioned. ‘His photo might not be on the database?’

Zola lifted her phone and began typing ferociously.

‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘And fuck that, even if he does, the man is a zillionaire; he would sue the life out of us for defamation of character.’

‘Shit! He doesn’t have any of the regular apps,’ Zola said with a grunt, placing her phone back on her desk.

‘That cunt probably only uses Raya!’ I said, reminding myself of the exclusive dating app I would only consider joining to track down Henry Cavill.

‘OK, so we should still do a profile on Big Phil, like a feature piece. Once a month, we could write about some B-listers! Some semi-famous or well-known guys around the city. We won’t give personal details like the venue of the date or where they were, just in case they track it all back to us. But we could give hard facts on their personality and how they treated their date.’

Katy was swaying. ‘But he’s treated her nicely so far. He’s just saved her job, Zola!’

‘Let’s face it, Katy, Philip Khan has an ulterior motive. He’s a fuckingman!’

I gulped down, feeling nervous about going full-on spy mode. ‘He did make a joke about me coming to see the art in his home.’

Zola let out a tut. ‘And you know what art is code for, Katy?’

Katy shrugged.

‘He wants to show Ella his crown jewels!’ Zola winked.

We all began laughing, then kept it down as the stares came our way.

‘C’mon! This could be the edge that the Dicktionary Club needs! It’s like a little gossip column about someone relatively famous,’ Zola persisted.

‘I suppose you could do one date,’ Katy said, coming round to the idea. ‘And if it’s a good one, then you write it up as a good one.’

I rolled my eyes, understanding the method in her madness. It was certainly a hook for subscribers, but I couldn’t afford to jeopardise the Kelvingrove gig. ‘One date?’

‘One simple report, and that’s it. Look how Andrea’s just spoken to you, Ella. This website is our Golden Ticket out of here!’ Zola put her hands together as if to pray.

She was right. Andrea’s domineering ways and bizarre mood swings were close to unbearable. I turned towards her office and watched as she giggled like a fucking hyena on the phone. I knew she was in there, taking full credit for my work.

‘OK. Fine!’ I accepted the challenge.

‘Thank you. Now, what are you going to wear?’ Her eyes brightened.

‘It has to be sexy, something to get him interested,’ Katy said.

‘I’ll need to see where we’re going first.’ I brought out my phone and texted my address to him. ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this. I have never given a man my home address. If he stalks me now, it’s on both of you.’

‘He knows where you work, Ell? And where you train? If he wanted to stalk and murder you, he would just follow you home, OK?’

‘Oh, thanks, Zola,’ I replied. ‘That’s really put my mind at ease.’

Zola gasped. ‘No! Fuck! Wait! Alvaro! You can’t let him down again, Ella.’

I felt my shoulders drop. ‘Seriously? You’ve just spent ten minutes convincing me to write up Philip.’

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