Page 61 of The Dicktionary Club

Zola covered her mouth to smother her laughter.

‘I thought that only happened with belly buttons?’ I asked, genuinely confused as I tried to visualise what she was describing.

‘Apparently not. His dick goes inside of him. It was like so small. I felt like I was sucking a thumb!’

I started to giggle. ‘So, you did give him a blow job? You went through with it?’

Looking traumatised, still in a haze, Katy sighed and said, ‘I mean, if you could call it that, Ella. I thoughtmaybe he’s a grower?You know. Some of the hottest guys are. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried.’ It was at this point she retched, and Zola and I jumped back. ‘But I could have sucked that .?.?.chipolataand eaten a Big Mac at the same time. I didn’t even know it was in my mouth.’

Zola was pacing. ‘But wasn’t he giving it—’ She put on her best manly Glaswegian voice. ‘Oh, you’re going to be sore tomorrow, and all this chat?’

Katy nodded. ‘Yip! I thought my cervix would be sore, not my fucking pride!’ Then she burst into tears again.

‘OK, there’s no need to cry, Katy!’ I tutted. ‘He can’t help the size of tadger he’s got.’

She looked at me through teary eyes, seeming angry all of asudden. ‘He tricked me, Ella. He made me fall in love with him first and made out it was because he had morals. But no, he just wanted me to get emotionally attached so I would attach my mouth to his tiny prawn dick!’

Zola and I started giggling again, but she shot us down with a deadly stare.

‘I’m sorry, Katy. It’s not funny. I know you liked him, but maybe he has a tongue like a fucking lizard, or fat fingers like the king. There’s more ways than one way to orgasm,’ I protested, trying to seek some silver linings to this cloud.

Katy looked up, seeming heartbroken and empty. ‘It’s done. I’m concentrating on the Dicktionary Club now. These men are not getting away with this anymore!’

‘He did lie to you,’ Zola agreed.

I shrugged. ‘I suppose he did. But maybe he doesn’t know how small he is? Maybe he’s not aware how small is small?’

‘Men watch porn, Ella. Don’t kid yourself. Just get back on the dating train, Katy, write about his pecker and get it out there!’ Zola urged her. ‘No more women should suffer like this.’

‘How are the gym girls’ entries coming along for the website?’ I asked Zola, wanting to get away from the subject of Harry.

‘Great! They’ve added hundreds more dates from their friends’ experiences, too.’ She smiled. ‘I told them about our new feature piece every month and said this month’s would be on Philip Khan. They LOVE the idea! A lot of the girls have heard all about his womanising! Wait, how did that go last night?’

‘Erm.?.?. it sort of didn’t go last night.’ I scrunched my face up, knowing exactly how my friends would react. ‘Look, I got in his car, had my breakthrough about the exhibition just as he began driving, so I asked him to drop me back at the office,’ I explained.

Katy turned to Zola and then back to me. ‘So, no dinner? You used him as an Uber? And what breakthrough?’

‘No. Wait. No write-up for the website?’ Zola pushed me slightly, making me step back. ‘This is important, Ella. Jesus, look how Andrea is treating us! This Dicktionary Club could be our escape plan here.’

I knew Zola was right, but I really wanted to avoid being fired before we got the Dicktionary Club up and running.

‘I know. I’m sorry. I’ll contact him tomorrow once I’ve tied everything up with the exhibition. I need one more late night, then I promise my head will be completely on the website. I’ll explain my idea when you’re calm, Katy, but I’ve sorted the whole thing. I need one more night to finalise everything while it’s fresh in my head.’

‘One more late night? Ella! You have Alvaro tonight. I rescheduled again,’ Zola moaned, throwing her hands up in the air in despair.

‘Zo, I can’t. Not tonight, there is no way!’

Zola tutted. ‘You can’t cancel this. I won’t let you!’

‘Look, fuck Alvaro, he’s just another giu! I can’t do anything tonight. I have to work, Zo.’ She was still glaring at me, looking baffled. ‘Ghost him! If you’re that bothered and want to save face – my face, by the way – rather than sending an awkward message. Just let me wrap up Alexander’s campaign tonight, and then I’ll go on a date with Philip and do our feature piece as planned.’

‘We all need to focus on the Dicktionary Club!’ Zola warned us.

I thought back to Andrea and how she spoke to me. I felt my stomach twist with resentment towards her.

‘I know. I agree. I’m all in. Let me sort this campaign tonight and we can speak about the launch date afterwards.’

Zola huffed, finally accepting that I needed to pass on Alvaro. ‘I think we should launch it on the first of August. That gives us another fortnight of dating, before we get it out into the world.’

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