Page 7 of The Dicktionary Club

‘But at least you’d know what you were getting.’ I backed up Katy’s suggestion. ‘It makes sense. I wouldn’t invest insomething – not even a new pair of leggings – without reading reviews first. Why don’t we do the same for people?’

‘That’s because you’re an over-organised control freak.’ Zola giggled. ‘I can never be bothered to read the reviews.’

‘I think she has a point, Zo. This could be a thing we could pitch to dating apps,’ Katy said, her tone deadly serious, like we were in a work meeting. ‘We could call it “the no more arseholes campaign”?’

‘Babe, it would be overrun by scorned women! It would never work. I’m not saying it would be a bad idea in theory. I get it, I do. But apps like that make too much money idealising the dream of finding the perfect partner. They ain’t gonna be promoting a bunch of one-star players with dicks they don’t know how to use – no one would be swiping for them!’ Zola declared and sat back, sipping on her drink some more.

I knew she was right – who wants to admit their product is a sham? But surely we weren’t the only women to be affected by two-timing, love-bombing, self-obsessed men who thought they could get away with sleeping with half the town? I turned to Katy and watched her glare into the bottom of her glass, all the bright and bubbly personality sucked out of her by Mark the Munter.

Suddenly I had a thought.

‘Girls, maybe we should make our own website.’

Katy looked baffled. ‘A dating website? We’ve just agreed that we hate all men, Ella!’

I jerked my head as the light bulbs sparked in my mind. ‘No, more like arate my datekind of thing. We upload all the men we’ve dated or slept with over the years and give honest reviews.’

‘Well, I’m excluded, obviously.’ Zola flashed her stunning Tiffany & Co. engagement ring in our faces and beamed.

‘Well, yeah, of course you are! But let’s face it, you’d be the brains behind the tech side of things. We could create a website and upload the usual Tinder suspects, who are always on thebloody prowl. We would basically date as many men as possible, then review our experiences – goodandbad, obviously – to help other women out there.’

‘So, we date them, then write a review?’ Katy asked, wrapping her head around it all.

‘Exactly! Think about it! We could get other girls to do the same, make it an online community. That way, if they’ve started speaking to a guy and thinking of meeting up, all they do is punch their name into a search bar andvoilà, honest reviews on that guy. A wee bit of a heads-up before they turn psycho, fuckboy or ghost mode.’

Zola let out a scream of laughter. ‘You are not serious, though, Ella?’

‘I am deadly serious. Look what they’re doing to our friend, Zo. It’s our public duty to expose them, separate the cunts from the cuties!’

I could tell that Katy was swaying, utterly unsure of my master plan.

‘But what’s stopping the men from going on and reviewing themselves? Bigging up the size of their cocks, bragging about their bedroom techniques, making false promises about their commitment to monogamy?’ Zola countered now. ‘And not to mention the law – wouldn’t it leave you open to so much legal action? I mean, would it not be defamation of character?’

Katy shook her head. ‘But if it was honest? Just brutally honest feedback?’

‘It would be your word against theirs, babe. You have to be proper careful in this day ’n’ age!’

I sighed – all my dreams of doing a good deed for my fellow Glaswegian women well and truly shat on.

‘But .?.?.’ Zola eventually said. ‘There might be another option .?.?.’

I sat up and turned to Katy, who now looked equally asexcited at the re-ignited prospect of revenge.

‘I suppose you could make it a secret club,’ Zola started, gathering her thoughts. ‘I could set up a facial recognition feature or something on the webpage, or get some form of ID clearance that only allows access to women.’ She was thinking out loud now. ‘Yes, we’d set up an admin that only allows verified users to access the site.Oh, girl, I got it! We could make people pay a subscription for the information; that way, it cuts a lot of the drama out. No timewasters or women who just want a nosey.’

‘Yes!’ I agreed, almost bouncing out of my seat.

‘You two would have to date A LOT too. We would have to set up a forum section for the women to share their experiences about the men they’ve dated. But we would take no part in slandering the men. We’d encourage everyone to write openly and honestly about their dating stories, just objective facts, no personal opinions.’

Katy was engrossed, nodding her little head like the Churchill dog.

‘And I suppose we’d have to set clear rules,’ Zola continued, ‘to ensure we weren’t acting like a secret kind ofGossip Girl. We don’t want this to be bitchy, it’s got to go for a more informative vibe.’

‘Rules? Like what?’ Katy asked.

‘We could set membership rules, ones that our subscribers have to fully agree to before we allow them access to the page. They can’t include or hint at the men’s last names, or where they work – none of that type of thing. And no slandering their physical appearance, that would be far too immature and cruel. I suppose we’d have to market this page as a way of safeguarding women – it aims to highlight toxic, unsafe men – and can be used as a way of identifying and promoting the good ones.’

‘Well, it would do all of those things. Think of the situationsyou’ve been in, Katy!’ I said as a shiver ran down my spine.

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