Page 8 of The Dicktionary Club

‘God, I know. Remember the guy who followed me home, begging me to let him inside?’

‘Yeah, and I also remember we couldn’t report him because you threatened him with an illegal pepper spray you bought off the fucking internet!’ Zola giggled.

I chuckled at the thought of Katy almost getting lifted for possession of a dangerous weapon. ‘Well, it’s just as well she did! Who knows what that creepy cunt would have done?!’

‘To illegal pepper spray!’ Katy raised her half-empty glass in the air, and we followed suit, clinking them together.

‘I know you said no slagging off of physical attributes, but could we mention the size of their cock?’ I asked. ‘I mean, it’s a great thing to know. There’s nothing worse than disappointing dick after slogging your way through a third date!’

‘We could maybe add that to a premium package?’ Zola suggested, easily persuaded to backtrack a little. ‘Package being the operative word, ladies.’

I clasped my hands together, excitement bubbling through me. ‘Jesus, this is the first business plan I’ve felt excited about in a long time!’

‘It sure beats oil portraits!’ Zola winked.

I laughed, agreeing with my friend. ‘No, but I genuinely think this could take off, girls, I honestly do. Imagine we could finally break away from Andrea and her dictatorship.’

Katy giggled. ‘Now that is the dream!’

‘Cheers to that!’ Zola added.

Katy drank then smiled with a knowing look at me. ‘If we do this, you realise it will involve dating again, Ella Banks?’

I felt clammy at the thought. I couldn’t stomach half of the men I’d dated before, and my tolerance for their shabby behaviour since I’d gotten older and listened to my friends’ experiences had seriously taken a dive. I suppose I’d alwayshad a knack for calling out their bullshit, but still, I hated the dishonesty of dating in general. The vulnerability of putting myself out there again, especially when my life was good. I was settled, in the best possible way. I didn’t need a man to fulfil me.

I paused, letting the idea sink in. ‘But it’s notmedatingthem, is it? I’d be dating the men on behalf of the website. No strings attached. No emotions involved.’

‘Too right.’ Zola laughed loudly. ‘So, girls, are we up for some serious revenge on the fuckboys of Glasgow?’

‘HELL YES!’ I shrieked.

‘I’m in,’ Katy said, then reached over and grabbed a shot of Jäger.

‘Let’s fucking get them!’ Zola cackled.

Chapter Three

Ella

The following morning, I was heading towards the office with a hefty hangover dulling its cloudy weight over me, but I had taken some paracetamol and drunk my usual milk thistle, praying for a quick fix. I left my flat in Hillhead and travelled on the subway from the West End towards the city centre, still unsure if I was safe to drive after last night’s alcohol consumption.

As I entered the small open-plan office space, I spotted Zola and Katy slumped over their desks, hardly speaking. I laughed as I approached them.

‘Morning!’ I called out.

Both of them screwed up their faces and covered their ears immediately.

‘Sssshhhh, keep it down,’ Katy moaned.

I pulled my leather jacket off and placed it over my seat before gladly taking a seat.

‘Why do you look like that?’ Katy pointed at my sheer white blouse and pencil skirt.

‘Yeah, it’s very annoying. Just come in looking like shit for one day, hun. We’d respect you more,’ Zola said, resting her head on her hands.

‘No, I am rough. This is just a disguise. But I drank lots of water when I got home. I texted you both and reminded you todo the same!’ I laughed, examining my friends in their creased clothes, both looking like they had spent the night sleeping in a hedge.

At that moment, Andrea’s precision bob bolted through the office. ‘OK, so listen up, people! Could we all gather round?’

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