Page 88 of The Dicktionary Club

‘Joshua, and this is my wife, Sarah.’

I felt Philip’s arm immediately wrap around my shoulder. He pulled me in tightly. ‘It’s great to meet you both. Are you having a nice night?’

‘Yeah, man. Absolutely! It’s a cool vibe!’ Joshua was nodding his head, overcompensating for the agonisingly awkward situation we were both feeling.

‘Glad to hear it. If you need anything, a seat perhaps for Sarah, just say to the staff and they will take care of it,’ Philip added. He was holding me tightly, almost as if he was actually keeping me upright, but I was in a zoned-out daze. I’m not sure if it was the shock of seeing my ex, the shock of discovering he was married with a baby on the way or the effects of too much champagne, but I felt paralysed.

‘Amazing. Yeah, we’ll maybe do that. So, do you work here, mate?’ Joshua added.

‘I own the place,’ Philip replied confidently. ‘Look, we should really get back,’ he continued, smiling down at me.

‘Right, yeah. It was so great to see you,’ Joshua said.

Philip turned my body, and I could feel it trembling in his hands. As he guided me gently through the crowds of people drinking and having fun, I kept my head low. Tears began to trickle down my face.

‘Excuse me,’ Philip said as he led me through the bar. ‘Out of the way, please.’

I was in a trance. I was in complete disbelief.

How could Joshua be married? With a baby coming?

He looked so happy, so fresh, so handsome. But why wouldn’t he? He’d managed to get everything he wanted in this world. But I couldn’t understand how he could move on so quickly, while Iwas still stuck in the same life from when we’d ended.

Suddenly, a door shut, all noise became muffled, and I realised I was in the back room of the bar with Philip, surrounded by kegs and bottles of alcohol.

‘Are you OK?’ he asked in his deep masculine voice. ‘There’s an office upstairs, but this room was a bit nearer.’

I pushed back my tears with the heels of my hands, clearing my throat.

‘Yeah, yeah. Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?’ I asked him.

His dark eyes looked sad, observing me.

‘What? I’m fine,’ I said a little too loudly, trying to convince both of us. I could feel my chin quivering from the effort of trying to smile. ‘I’m honestly fine, Philip. You know I’ve probably just had a bit too much to drink.’

But as quiet surrounded us, and I tried to hold it all together, I let out a giant blubbering sigh.

‘Fuck, I’m so sorry,’ I eventually cried.

‘I take it that wastheJoshua?’ Philip asked, clearly experiencing his own moment of shock.

I nodded. ‘Andthepregnant wife who I had no idea fucking existed.’

‘Ouch,’ Philip murmured sympathetically. ‘And was that the first time you’ve seen him? Since?’

I attempted a snotty smile, still holding onto the pretence that I was fine. ‘Yep.’ I could hear my breathing hitch from all the emotions, and I held my hand to my chest, trying to regain composure. ‘God, I’m so sorry. Wow. I’m never like this.’

‘You never get upset?’ he asked softly, resting back on a keg.

‘Me? Never. I’m an adult,’ I said, laughing at even the idea of it. Knowing the last time I properly cried like this was the day Joshua left.

‘God, I cry all the time. Hysterically, in fact. Even an advert on the radio could set me off,’ he said, and I grinned at his attemptto reassure me.

‘He’s just .?.?. you know .?.?. the one I always thought would .?.?.’ I stopped myself.

‘Come back?’ Philip answered for me.

I held both of my hands to my face and nodded. ‘I didn’t want kids, and he did. Now he basically has a kid, so .?.?. I should be happy for him, I guess.’ I could feel my bottom lip quiver again.

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