Page 97 of The Dicktionary Club

Zola hummed, unimpressed. ‘Mmmmhum.?.?. like what?’

My neck turned blotchy with the interrogation. ‘He’s a player!’

‘We don’t know that, Ella,’ Katy shouted like she was trying to get through to a child who wasn’t listening.

‘Look, this is ultimately your decision, babe, and we’ll support you no matter what, but we don’t want you to look back on this with regret, OK? Joshua hurt you, and you survived. Look at you! But just becausehehurt you, it doesn’t mean every other man will.’ Zola sounded gentler this time.

I nodded, feeling drained by the emotional intensity of it all. ‘I better go, guys. Honestly, thank you, but I feel like I need to lie down.’

‘Have a sleep, get a bath, and come round later, eh? We’ll talk more then?’ Katy smiled warmly down the phone, as if that was her way of apologising after her outburst.

‘Yeah, maybe.’

‘The website is looking great, by the way,’ Zola said.

I smiled back. ‘That’s good,’ I said, but I felt too distracted to care about that the Dicktionary Club. ‘Look, I’ll call you guys soon.’

‘OK, babe,’ Zola said.

‘Bye, El, we love you!’ Katy added, blowing kisses at me.

I hung up the call and held my head in my hands. I had done the right thing for myself by telling Philip nothing more would happen between us. I knew it, but why couldn’t I shake this feeling that was rattling me so much?

*

The following morning, I seemed to feel worse. Not even an onslaught of housework was lifting the guilt. I spent the morning washing out my fridge, the oven and steeped all my appliances,but that feeling of irritability still seemed to linger.

Around two, the door buzzer rang in my flat. I popped down my glass cleaner and headed to the intercom, half expecting another one of Alexander’s exhibition packages getting delivered.

‘Hello?’

‘So, I felt a little awkward at how we left things yesterday, and then I realised you left something in my car. I wasn’t sure if I should post it or not,’ Philip’s husky voice said.

‘How did you know what door buzzer I was?’ I replied, wondering what I could have left.

‘I tried them all.’ He laughed a little, and I smiled. ‘Do you want me to return this or not?’

I paused, my hand hovering over the button to let him in, then pressed it. I opened the flat door and paced my living room. Quickly, I dusted off my leggings, noticing little sprinkles of dust gather at my knees from cleaning, but I stopped as I heard Philip’s steps getting closer. Suddenly, he was standing in my doorway.

‘Great place,’ he said, admiring the open-plan living room and kitchen area.

‘Not a hoarder!’ I tittered awkwardly. ‘As you can see.’

‘So, I wanted to return this,’ he said, holding out one single kirby.

‘A kirby grip?’ I said, my face screwed up in astonishment.

‘Yes, it must have fallen out of your bag or hair or something. I wasn’t sure if you needed it back or .?.?.’

‘You offered to post a kirby?’

He looked a little uncomfortable as he walked up to me. ‘Yes. I suppose I did.’

I nodded. ‘Well, thanks.’

‘And I wanted to say one more thing, Pilates. Look, I don’t know what you think of me or men in general, but what I wantedto say was .?.?. Friday night felt different. Special even. For me, anyway. And trust me, I don’t often feel that way.’

I lowered my head to the ground. I was silent.

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